Dear Dandan:

My mother also loved watching movies on TV and on the big screen. She worshipped movie stars. As a matter of fact, she named me and my sister after movie stars at the time. Growing up I watched her looking at movie stars on TV with those dreamy eyes, I wanted nothing more than to become a movie star myself, so that she can look at me the way she looked at movie stars. I used to daydream about becoming an internationally famous actress and dancer, performing in front of millions of people around the world, people standing up and clapping hands, cheering me for my exceptional (imagined) performance.

At the time, I really believed that it was possible for me to become an international star, even though I was not a talented dancer, I was clumsy, really. But I imagined I could be. Looking back now, it was all about getting my mother to value me, to think highly of me. Because she didn’t. I wanted her to be happy, happy to have me in her life, wanted her to think I was special.

And because nothing short of becoming a movie star was going to make my mother think highly of me, any imagined accomplishment short of movie stardom paled in comparison and felt far from being enough.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by .