Dear Dandan,

It is encouraging to read that you accept that you have a drinking problem and have decided to seek help. I am not sure if there are tests to determine the severity of someone’s drinking problem, but please do consult either a recovery center or an AA support group. Perhaps they can also suggest a good psychotherapist, or you can look up one on the internet, because it would help you a lot to have someone – a compassionate professional – to support you and guide you in your recovery.

Last week when i went to my friends, i surprisingly resisted and said I don’t want to drink, in the first party i didn’t drink while my friends had. In the second party i denied a lot that i don’t want to drink but when they insisted so much, i gave in and started drinking. But me saying no at first is an improvement in me i feel.

Yes, it’s a good sign. Also that you told your friends that you want to quit. But don’t count on your friends to guard you from drinking. They are probably heavy drinkers, and you suddenly, after 17 years, changing your habits might annoy them. They probably won’t be supportive in helping you quit. That’s why the best would be to stop going to those drinking parties. Because you yourself realized that “When i start drinking i have no control”. Better don’t put yourself in such situations, where the temptation is super high and the chance of getting drunk is 100%.

I know it will be hard though because you have used alcohol to numb your pain, to forget. But you have also realized that numbing your pain via substance abuse only causes you greater pain, in all areas of life. And that’s why I am really glad to read this from you:

I will also work on reversing the effects of childhood issues. And i want to heal my inner self and want to be able to handle any emotional feelings. For now I think I need to go through this pain and no other option.

Yes, facing emotional wounds will cause you temporary pain, but it’s a good, cleansing pain. It’s like putting alcohol on a wound – it hurts but it’s necessary for disinfection. You don’t want to let this wound fester any longer and ruin more and more of your life. You want it healed.

I loved her a lot, but i was so obsessed with working out of country, body building and some career that i thought that is more important than love and marriage life.

It’s not just that you were obsessed about other things, and haven’t prioritized her. You would also always get the “heavy feeling” when being with her. That’s why you couldn’t say Yes to marrying her. Don’t forget about that. You do need to heal the reasons for this heavy feeling that you get in intimate relationships.

Anita gave an excellent possible explanation for it, summing it up: “a woman loves me => she needs me too much = she takes too much out of me=> I become so heavy and very weak.” This can very well be the subconscious thought process in you, i.e. the way your subconscious mind is wired. Subconscious mind is also known as the inner child… so healing the inner child, and specially his belief that love is heavy, will be crucial.

When i say i am not a drunkard i am saying it to myself that i am not.

It’s good that you don’t take on the identity of a drunkard. You do have a drinking problem, but this is not who you really are. You are a brilliant and unique human being, like we all are. You are not a horrible person, as you called yourself recently, but you are wounded. Please don’t see yourself as bad, or evil, or doomed.  See yourself as a currently wounded, but beautiful soul, who can heal and shine with his true light!