Dear Javier:

“I have felt this ‘something’ missing my whole life. It’s like a huge hole missing in my chest… Due to this ‘feeling’…  I have carried her sorrows, pain and felt (still feel) responsible for her… even for the sad and painful things she experienced as a child” –

– when a boy (or a girl) feels this way all the way to his 5th decade of life, it means that his mother did not love him. That something missing is his mother’s love, that huge hole in the chest, is the boy’s huge desire for his mother’s love.

The boy, so desperate for his mother’s love, goes all the way back to her past, to the time when she was a girl, so to save her from the sad and painful things she experienced as a child, which made her incapable of loving her boy many years later. Save her so that she will finally be able to love him. When she will, the child-thinking goes, that something missing will be found, and that hole in the chest will be filled.

“I have tried to run away, escape, hide and distance myself from her, but the further away I go the stronger the pain” – that huge hole in your chest, is your ongoing desire for her love. You will have peace of mind if and when you fully accept that no love is coming to you from your mother, and you stop wanting it, stop desiring it.

It so happens that the Second Noble truth in Buddhism, as I understand it, is that desire is the cause of (unnecessary) suffering.

anita