Thank you anita – I understand what you’re saying. There are some things I haven’t explained which i feel maybe you can help me with. A few months back he randomly brought up how he had no hope for our relationship and how he felt like maybe breaking up with me. I made it my mission to not sway his feelings, I adored him it’s not like i wanted him to break up with me I just didn’t want to make him stay with me if he really didn’t want to. I seen him to be above me in a way I would always value everything he had to say and do whatever he would like. He never forced me to any of this it’s just how extremely obsessed with him i was. This conversation of breaking up had really upset me because it was out of nowhere and it was like a reality check but I didn’t want to make him for guilty for being open. Afterwards he felt fine and was talking away like normal even though I was visibly unnerved by the conversation we previously had. I brought it up that I was upset and a little shook by it and he just said sorry and moved on. I feel like since then i’ve been worried about our relationship, wondering will it really last?

Later on around October, he had met this girl in uni. Now i never have a problem with my boyfriend having female friends I am not that type of person I am open to him having any type of friends he wants. But I did not like this girl. He was always talking about her, and things that she and him would do together, situations of her flirting with him and him being clueless and things that happened. One day I brought it up after him speaking about her for so long and me just having to sit there and listen I said the way he spoke about things he helped her with and things he did for her it was like he was trying to get brownie points, he acted clueless when i first said it and then proceeded to tell me about how i always felt off when he spoke about her. I said “Well how am i supposed to react to you telling me all about this other girl who doesn’t even know you have a girlfriend?” Yes he hadn’t told her. and when he did tell her, she reacted rudely toward the fact we are long distance.

Near Christmas. I suffer with minor depression regularly and around the winter months it gets worse due to seasons affecting my depression, I am very open with my boyfriend with this and I try to communicate everything i am feeling with him as to help me not fall into depressive episodes. I had talked to him about how i was feeling very dissociative in life and he attempted to help me. A few days after he had went out to a Christmas party, and we were texting and talking like normal and he randomly said “Some guys just came up and asked me if me and ——— were dating” I texted back “You didn’t have to tell me that?” My mind went into overdrive, I couldn’t reply anymore I was finally thinking that every worried thought I had about her and him was right that it wasn’t just me overthinking, that i was so naive to believe that they didn’t like each other. What was he doing for these guys to think they were dating? I feel guilty in saying my first thought was if i broke up with him before he could break up with me i couldn’t get as hurt because it would be me breaking up with him and not him leaving me for another woman. I hadn’t replied in 5 minutes I was frozen there. I was too scared to open his texts in which he had sent me multiple, he rang me crying and apologising profusely to me over what he had said. He was the type of guy to consistently say sorry for everything so that habit made his warranted apologies less sincere, even so it broke me to think I had upset him because how standoffish I become. After telling my friend about it she told me I let him get away with murder, because no matter what I always accept his apologies even though i think some of his apologies come with him not even knowing what he’s apologising for.

Turns out a few months ago him and his uni friends found out the girl was lying about her whole life, and even lied about getting spiked (TWICE).

As of last friday me and him called each other and I was awkward at the start because this was after my sudden loss of feelings for him. Later on in the call he brought up this dream he had a few months back where in the dream i hadn’t been replying to his texts and was saving them instead. When he is speaking about topics like this he tends to go very quiet and talk in very split sentences which sometimes does get on my nerves because I never know what to do because i don’t want to speak over him. In him talking about this dream I didn’t hear or get most of what he was saying because he was mumbling and leaving silence between his words but with the bits I heard it was like he was blaming me. I felt useless, like an observer who couldn’t do anything to help him but I was annoyed because i felt like he was blaming me. Afterwards he just went on like nothing happened, I was being kind of quiet because I was conflicted on how I felt and then he brought up coming to see me and in my mind I just didn’t want it to happen. I was taken aback like seriously after just blaming me for his dream that i can’t control he’s talking so normally about coming to see me like nothing had happened. Yesterday I explained how i felt like an observer in my life and the choices i was making weren’t what i wanted to do they were things i felt like i needed to do. He told me “you shouldn’t feel like you have to do anything around me”

As of now I feel unsure of my own feelings.

To sum it up I feel guilty, I don’t want to leave him because i fear i will be all alone, I don’t want to make him think that all the love i have given to him was a lie or that i wasted his time, maybe leaving him will be something I regret and that this sudden loss of love is simply a problem with me. I feel like the bad guy. His birthday is in three days and we will be together a year on the 29th of march. I just don’t want to hurt him and i’m worried that I won’t experience love and acceptance like this ever again.