I had blood and urine tests today in readiness for the c.f. surgery on Monday. I have started to feel anxious about going to hospital. It isn’t the surgery which makes me nervous. For me, in past experience, thats the easy part as I’m sedated and then out like a light.
The fear is paranoia about the people at the hospital, especially the nurses, having such control over me. I especially hate the tubes. Usually I have an IV drip, but it’s the tube into my bladder I hate the most. Apparently it’s okay for most men, but a lot of women find it uncomfortable. It usually hurts a lot when I pass urine after the bladder reactions. The staff get to tell me when I can get out of bed, when I can go to toilet and shower, and when those tubes will come out. Usually, The tube and bag attached will contain bright red urine from the surgery, and I can’t get it out until my urine becomes clear again. I am a terrible neurotic patient.
I go through stages with work where I feel I never want to give work up. Then I have times of daydreaming of retirement – being able to sleep in, have interests, care for my dogs and roses. Of late, I’m thinking more about retirement.
The clients at work are now over their COVID which means we do not need to wear the full PPE at present. All of the workers hate it. It’s so hot and sweaty and we all feel very stinky at the the end of the day.
Another 12 hour shift tomorrow with the fortnightly staff meeting which will last a few hours.
I will try to be a bit more chill about the hospital. I’m sure it’s because of my over-controlling family and upbringing, my marriage as well – that the thought of other people controlling me physically fills me with anxiety.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 