February 22, 2022 at 7:55 am #393357
I’m not sure if I have posted this in the right place. I haven’t been involved with anyone for over 2 years. I had been involved with a man for around 18 months, and I came away from that experience very disrespected, hurt and rejected even though I was the one to finally call it quits. I know I did the right thing, but I have felt a very deep sadness since, and can’t bear the thought of involvement and hurt again so, apart from work, and a very small number of friends, I lead a very reclusive life.
I was married many years ago to my teenage sweetheart. We had a child and I came to belueve he was closeted gay so I left the marriage. I was correct, although he did not come out publicly for decades. He died 11 months ago, and had been with his soul mate for 11 years.
I didn’t ever remarry though twice, I was with men who said they wanted to marry me. One even gave me a ring. After a few years with each man, the same thing happened. They both met younger, prettier women who they became obsessed with and told me they didnt love me anymore. They did both cone back a few months later when things didnt work out with their new partners, and they were probably feeling a bit lonely and bored.
I am in my early 60s, and I just wish I could shake off this sadness and embrace a life of my own. I KNOW I am so much better off. I know also that my choices have been very poor, and that I allowed myself to get involved too quickly. On each occasion, the men were strongly pursuing me IN THE BEGINNING, and I was trying to slow things down.
I work f/t, and when I’m not working, I’m so tired and have some health issues to deal with at present. I will likely have surgery months next few weeks, and I’m actually looking forward to just being able to to lie down and be able to sleep.
I would be grateful on pointers and advice of how to shake this sadness off, and be accepting that in this life, there is no relationship for me. Even if I met somebody, I could not bring myself to be involved because I just feel too damaged and anxious when it comes to relationships.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you.</p>
February 22, 2022 at 10:29 am #393360
Welcome back to the forums! Last we communicated, if I am correct, was in October 2018 and it was in regard to the 18-month relationship you mentioned on your thread today. At the time, the relationship was about 5 months old, so I guess it lasted May 2018 through November 2019. We communicated at length. At one point I was positive about the relationship, but then I changed my mind. In your last post to me, if I remember correctly, you expressed displeasure with my negative/ pessimistic attitude in regard to the relationship. I then asked you if you’d like me to stay away from your thread or threads, and you replied that yes, you would like me to stay away.
Was that our last communication best you remember, and would you like to communicate with me at this time? Please let me know and I will respect your choice either way.
February 22, 2022 at 10:55 am #393362pink24Participant
- This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
Your post really spoke to my heart. I do have one piece of advice: take your power back. I too have been single for a long time as a result of a bad relationship, and it’s easy to feel defeated.
But I came to realize one very important thing: we choose who we let into our lives.
Please look at this time you have as the universe giving you space for you to see who you really are. Water sees its own level, I’ve heard it said. Maybe you need time to become the person you want to attract.
And don’t beat yourself up–you’ve left these relationships, you know these men are toxic, and that’s a good thing! I think you are much stronger than you think.
Good luck 🙂 I know you can do it.
PinkFebruary 22, 2022 at 10:58 am #393363PeterParticipant
Never say never as they say which I know isn’t helpful and in a way makes the problem even more difficult: How does one stay open to opportunity while accepting what is in the moment.
My own experience is that the older I get the more I am convinced that relationship with another as I imagine one could be… isn’t meant for me. In other words I have become set in my ways and I suspect it would take a very understanding, patient, centered woman that wanted to take the time…
Sorry off track… Søren Kierkegaard noted that “The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.” this I believe is at the heart of such sadness of accepting what we cannot forget hoping for and dreaming of. And so we mourn never really accepting what we have accepted.
Stuck in such a loop how could someone not be sad.
My hope is that by recognizing that one is in such a loop is the first step to getting out of it. And like a getting stuck in a rip tide the more you struggle the more time one spends under water. A practice of mediation may help.
In this practice one can feel ones sadness without ‘being’ sad. (You have the emotion of sadness but you are not your emotions.) There is a time for all things – even times of feeling sad.
February 22, 2022 at 2:53 pm #393416
- This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by Peter.
I’m so sorry Anita. You were right. He was using me. He really messed me around more and more as time passed, and eventually, I couldn’t take it. I told him to never contact me again, and blocked him from my phone as he tried contacting me again. I’m so glad that I only allowed it to go on for 18 months, and then walked away.
Thank you for forgiving me.February 22, 2022 at 2:57 pm #393422
Thank you Pink. In most w a us I’m independent, and I never want any of that again. It’s the sadness – I don’t allow myself to feel it all of the time but it’s there when I wake up and there when I’m on bed at night. Sometimes through the day but Im so busy with work and eventually every day stuff, I can distract myself.February 22, 2022 at 2:59 pm #393424
Thank you very much Peter. I suspect meditation is the way to heal but not sure where to start.February 22, 2022 at 3:00 pm #393425
Nothing to forgive, you did me no wrong. I am sorry for all your hurt, I really am. I need to be away from the computer for a few hours, probably won’t be focused enough before Wed morning (in about 15 hours from now). I would like to post more to you when I am back.
anitaFebruary 22, 2022 at 5:16 pm #393500
Thank you very much Anita. I am very grateful for your kindness. My situation is not urgent. I hope you are well.February 22, 2022 at 5:37 pm #393501pink24Participant
Ugh the sadness is the worst, girl. I get it. I was sad all the time for years, and I felt bad talking to anyone about it b/c I didn’t want to burden anyone. But I came to understand that the Universe, God, whatever you want to call it, kept me away from certain people because they weren’t right for me. Meaning, there’s a purpose to all of this mess of life. And I started to see the miracle of being alive every single day–of watching children play, the leaves change, the great fortune of having a roof over my head and food to eat, since there are so many who do without. In short, gratitude – it saved me. Maybe having gratitude for all that you do have may save you too. There’s a bigger reason you are here, and maybe it has nothing to do with a relationship right now.
Hope this helps,
Pink 🙂February 22, 2022 at 7:03 pm #393503
Hugs clink. It DOES help. I have been forgetting to be grateful and there is SO much to be grateful for. Yes, I’m sure my job is for the greater good, and that is more likely to be part of my purpose than a romantic relationship is.February 22, 2022 at 7:04 pm #393504
Hugs Pink. It DOES help. I have been forgetting to be grateful and there is SO much to be grateful for. Yes, I’m sure my job is for the greater good, and that is more likely to be part of my purpose than a romantic relationship is.February 22, 2022 at 11:37 pm #393507
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I have always felt not as good as others. When I was growing of up, my mother had undiagnosed bipolar disorder and my father was an alcoholic. It was a violent home, and my older sister was disturbed and abusive. In highschool, I was the Geek Girl who other girls made fun of. I had absolutely no confidence. I met my husband, and thought life was changing and I had met somebody who loved me. I expected to be married to him forever, and t o an have more children and be happy.</p>
He developed a drinking problem and was emotionally abusive,and despite his denials, I knew he was gay.
It was so hard to leave, but I thought eventually, we would both meet other people who we were suited to, and be happy. He died from cancer last year, a n d had been with his partner f oir 11 years who he described as the love of his life.February 22, 2022 at 11:39 pm #393508
I will write a list of all the things I must be grateful for. I will look around for a meditation to help me be grateful.February 23, 2022 at 10:57 am #393539
You shared yesterday that you grew up in a violent home, and that you were made fun of in high school. When you met the man who became your husband, you “thought life was changing and I had met somebody who loved me“, expecting to live happily ever after (my wording). Fast forward, you met another man in 2018 and thought something similar, didn’t you… that life was changing, and you finally met somebody to love you.
Back to your violent childhood home, your mother was (undiagnosed) bi-polar, and your father was an alcoholic, but your grandfather (your shared back in Oct 2018) was “a quiet and gentle man”, the “only stable, sane and loving force in my life”. Unlike your unpredictable parents, he was predictable- your source of safety in the midst of chaos.
But when your grandfather died, your life “turned into a black and white movie and the color was gone“. I think that you idealized men in the context of romantic relationships, wanting them to take on that stabilizing role that your grandfather took early in your life. You wanted your love-interests to change your emotional experience of life from black and white to color. But those men “turned out to be nothing like the people I thought they were in the early part of the relationship“, not your husband, and fast forward, not the recent man in your life. You wrote (still in Oct 2018): “With every partner I have ever had, I… have never known stable and kind love“.
Fast forward more than two years to February 2022, and your experience of life is back to the black and white emotional experience of childhood: “I have felt a very deep sadness since… I lead a very reclusive life… I am in my early 60s, and I just wish I could shake off this sadness… It’s the sadness – I don’t allow myself to feel it all of the time but it’s there when I wake up and there when I’m on bed at night“.
I have learned from communicating with hundreds or thousands of members on these forums in the last 6.5 years, that when we experience a significantly troubled childhood, as adults we keep re-experiencing the same emotional experience of childhood. Sometimes we HOPE (especially as teenagers and young adults, but later too) for a change because of this person or that person, or because of this or that event or change of locations and circumstances…but that hope doesn’t materialize. The only way I know to change that dominant emotional experience of childhood is to adequately heal from that experience. I say adequately, because there is no complete healing.
But some healing is better than none and for me, emotional healing is an interesting process. It doesn’t and cannot possibly bring me that happily-ever-after feeling I was hoping for, but it keeps me interested, it keeps me engaged in life.