Dear Helcat:

“I did remember thanks to our conversations that my mother was younger when she had me and my father was at least 10 years her senior” – as I read this, I had an amazed smile on my face, in regard to our similarities: my mother was 20 when she had me and my father was 10 years older than her.

“He abandoned us too… When I was younger, I fixated on him as an absent figure as a good person” – my mother and father got divorced when I was 5 or 6, he dated women way before and after the divorce and therefore was busy, later to marry a third wife and have 2 more children. I didn’t think of him as a good person because before I had the chance to form my own opinions, my mother repeatedly told me in so many ways that he was a bad person who hurt her so much and who spent his money (not on his children, my sister and me, at the time) but on “whores” as she put it. Looking back, I can see that he was indeed very impulsive and far from being a good husband or father.

“The topic that can be stressful at times. As long as I take care of myself by taking breaks when other stressors pile on, I’m able to continue our conversations. I hope that you will take breaks if needed too? Please let me know if things become too difficult” -I will and yes, let us both takes breaks when stressed. I am glad to read that you’ve been less stressed since yesterday, I hope this is still the case.

“I hated the phrase ‘It’s okay’ for a long time. People would say it in an attempt to ‘calm’ me while they were abusing me” – understandable, and thank you for sharing this, I don’t ever want to say that phrase to you, coming to think about it, I don’t like it myself.

“I don’t think I have ever relaxed my views regarding my mother. I have difficulty forgiving people that refuse to acknowledge their mistakes. Some things, I believe cannot be forgiven” – I want to clarify, I did not relax my views regarding my mother, and I do not forgive her, nor will I try to forgive her. What I accessed after a few years of no-contact was the feelings of love that I had for her early on, a feeling that resided under my angry awareness. This love for her does not mean that she deserves it from me, or that she is not who she is. This love means that I was a loving girl in the very beginning of my life.

Thank you for your original expressions of empathy, and for your kindness and grace! This is very refreshing to me and much appreciated!

anita