Dear Phil/ Reader:

In your first post on another thread, in Nov 2017, a teenager at the time, you shared: “Derealisation and Depersonalisation hit me out of the blue (probably because of prolonged stress) … I was in this ‘movie/dream world’ for a long time (and later) developed a strange time anxiety/phobia, I just wanted the time to stop, and I didn’t want the future to come… I have a feeling of being stuck between past and future and I really don’t really have a sense of self. It is like my old identity died and I, as the observer, am stuck in this transition and suffer very, very badly”.

In May 2018, you shared that since August of 2017, you’ve been “in a very bad state of mind”. You expressed that you experienced “a partial awakening” that spiraled into “depression and ended in a split identity… it is either…  total identification with ego or a somehow ‘in between’ state…  Just imagine jumping off a cliff but without ground to hit on. I feel so lost. So not like a normal person. So crazy… Maybe I just experience something unknown, spiritual, supernatural”.

In July 2018, you shared: “When I don’t suffer, I describe feelings and states of an awakened being. It is strange because I was not interested in awakening it all – it just happened, and I clearly know that there is no way back… for 11 months now, I have been feeling like I hit the lowest points of mental suffering a human being can ever experience. Every time I got up and felt better, I felt like I was reborn. What suffers because of those ‘death and rebirths’ is my person(a)… I just can’t make sense out of how…”.

My thoughts today: words synonymous to Awakening are Understanding, Insight, Learning, Knowledge, Awareness, Illumination. I see none of these possible for a person when in a state of “being stuck between past and future…  don’t really have a sense of self… suffer very, very badly… in a very bad state of mind… a split identity… so lost… So crazy… the lowest points of mental suffering a human being can ever experience… just can’t make sense out of how”.

Reads to me like a state of mental illness, not a state of an Awakening. Phil mentioned having suffered from depersonalization and realizations, which are forms of dissociation, before his “awakening”. HIH, National Library of Medicine, has a study titled: “The relationship between Dissociation and Symptoms of Psychosis”, it found that “dissociative phenomena are robustly related to multiple positive symptoms” of psychosis. Positive symptoms of psychosis include hallucinations and delusions.

In regard to the most recent activity on this thread: a certain difference in views was expressed, followed by one member expressing a measure of hostility against the other. Also, most recently, the value of Compassion and the Dalai Lama were mentioned. I want to conclude my post with (1) a few of my most favorite quotes from the Dalai Lama that I believe to be relevant here:

“Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn’t anyone who doesn’t appreciate kindness and compassion“.

“If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them“.

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion“.

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive”

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible“.

“Look at situations from all angles, and you will become more open“.

“The ultimate authority must always rest with the individual’s own reason and critical analysis“.

(2) The Tibetan Book of the Dead was mentioned as well. Here is a quote from the book that is meaningful and relevant to me:

“Are you oblivious to the sufferings of birth, old age, sickness and death? There is no guarantee that you will survive, even past this very day! The time has come [for you] to develop perseverance in [your] practice. For, at this singular opportunity, you could attain the everlasting bliss [of nirvāṇa]. So now is [certainly] not the time to sit idly, But, starting with [the reflection on] death, you should bring your practice to completion! The moments of our life are not expendable, And the [possible] circumstances of death are beyond imagination. If you do not achieve an undaunted confident security now, What point is there in your being alive, O living creature?”-

– I see it in my own life and I see it on these forums all the time: we do the work, we heal, we feel better… and then we encounter a difficulty: an undesired real-life situation, or a distressing thought or emotion, or physical discomfort or pain, and we give up on the practice of healing… until the next time we get to be inspired, make progress, encounter a difficult situation… and give up yet again.

The last sentence in the quote is: “If you do not achieve an undaunted confident security now, What point is there in your being alive…?” Undaunted means: not intimidated or discouraged by difficulty, danger, or disappointment.

We all need to not get intimidated or discouraged by difficulties, new or old; we need to not get intimidated or discouraged by distressing thoughts and emotions and discomforts, and instead, “develop perseverance in [your] practice…bring your practice to completion!“, completion of healing and learning for the day, that is (as there is never a completion of healing or learning).

Like the quote says, we are oblivious to “the sufferings of birth, old age, sickness and death“, oblivious to the fact that “There is no guarantee that you will survive… past this very day!“. We go about life as if we’d never die, as if never-dying is an option. We spend all of our time and resources (placing a hold on healing) trying to resolve a current difficult real-life situation, or a current distressing thought/ emotion, discomfort or pain, as if once resolved, we will be free to live happily-ever-after. We fail to see what’s in front of us: the next difficult situation, the next distressing thought, emotion, discomfort or pain… and the eventual, inevitable death, which could happen at any day or night.

I think that the most difficult part of healing is developing the perseverance required in order to heal and experience the best life possible for us. We need to expect and to not be discouraged by the inevitable, guaranteed next difficult situation, thought, emotion, discomfort or pain.

anita