July 13, 2018 at 6:33 am #216507PhilParticipant
I am pretty sure 11 months ago my mind’s default mode changed. When I dont suffer, I decribe feelings and states of an awakened being. It is strange because I was not interested in awakening it all – it just happened and I clearly know that there is no way back.
After my awakening, I was kinda clueless what to do about the suffering associated with it – the Ego fought back with creating an identity around the subject “life was pointless”. Taking things personal does not make sense to me anymore. That is probably the reason that everything I tried in order to control the process, like exercising, meditation felt useless. It made no sense to “get better”.
Anyways, for 11 months now, I have been feeling like I hit the lowest points of mental suffering a human being can ever experience. Everytime I got up and felt better, I felt like I was reborn.
What suffers because of those “death and rebirths” is my person(a). My mind comes up with questions why I am still here, why this body is here and didn’t die, who is talking at the moment, I just can’t make sense out of how I am still here – that’s especially the case when it is about my past, like talking in a job interview, doc, therapist – I struggle to have a healthy persona. I post this because…I admit…it is self-soothing.
Is this due to lack of mindful practise?July 13, 2018 at 9:03 am #216535PeterParticipant
One of the challenges of realizing or awaking to the reality that “You” are not your ego, you are not your body, you are not your thinking, you are not your emotions… is a detachment from life. If I am no-thing, no-thing matters and as you mentioned that is the Ego attempting to identify it self with an experience of nothing mattering. If “I” am no thing “I” am nothing, and things only matter when “I” matter, when I am ego. – I remain my ego even as I “know” I am not my ego and around and around we go.
On one level this is a problem of language. How can we reflect one our experiences, explain them to ourselves and other without referring to “I” even though we know the Self is not “I. The result is more often then not that instead of a healthy detachment to experiences we fall into indifference to our experiences and depression.
You had the realization that “taking things personal does not make sense” a kind of detachment that isn’t. What you are describing of your experience is not detachment but indifference. If you (the “I”) don’t care (indifference) about an outcome why bother working towards any goal – your ego asks.
It’s a challenge. The Art of Detachment is to be fully engaged in life, working towards goals that match your truths (as you know then to be in the moment), while not attaching your sense self and identity to the actions or outcomes. i.e. I am a good or bad person because I do this, I am a good person because I hit what I was aiming at, a bad person because I missed.
You can and get to care about the action and outcomes; however, the outcomes or actions do not define you. In this way you open yourself to play. Sure, what you understand as your truths today may change and with them the direction of your actions – learn better, do better – you get to laugh.
In the problem of opposites, which we must come to terms with, is how we measure, judge, divide and doings so make conscious (awaken) is that reality that the opposites don’t exist. Opposites are not independent sides of a coin that can be separated. As we become conscious of detachment we become conscious of attachment. Awaking to the light is also an awakening to the darkness. True Light will always defeat the darkness however light requires energy – movement. Keep moving. The intention of a practice is to not practice, the intention of seeking is finding (yet how many “seekers” would ever label themselves finders).
Once you ask a question you cannot unasked it. Ignorance is bliss but you can’t go back. Frankly life is easier when we identify with our ego and suffer. Righteous anger and taking everything personal can really get the juices flowing. Sure, in the end its exhausting and unhealthy but it can feel so good in the moment. You awakened to the realization that you are not your ego and can’t go back. It’s a loss, even if it leads to becoming more authentic, every loss needs to properly mourned.
Did any of that make sense?July 13, 2018 at 12:37 pm #216563JaydeParticipant
Peter, I resonate with a lot of what you just said. It’s pretty late where I am, so I had to re-read some of the lines a few times before comprehending fully. But I too recently felt an awakening, and I’ve been feeling so uncertain about myself and people around me lately. I’ve stopped hanging out with friends, only just one I’ve kept by my side sharing everything with and my boyfriend who I feel I can be close to my true self with.
I’ve also been feeling extremely tired to be at work lately. A little angry with people around for not being on the same consciousness as me, but more so annoyed when I’m around people at a higher consciousness than myself, when I do not fully comprehend their thoughts and feel it’s just “too much”, but at the same time do not completely disagree. I’m at that gray area and it is not cozy here.
I’ve had thoughts of quitting my job and living a minimal life. I know now I don’t need much at all, but practicality slips in to remind me of debts and bills I have. Then it brings me back into the system that I so badly want to get out of.
The only key I’ve found in tackling this is to do something I truly love each day, fulfilling my soul’s needs. Even if it’s just sitting around doing nothing. Or walking barefoot in the park. Grounding has been of great help to balance everything.
Thank you. 🙂July 13, 2018 at 6:19 pm #216591PeterParticipant
I very much relate to being in the gray area as I find my self torn between wanting to fully engage in life and retreat from it. I suspect all things have their time
Like Joseph Campbell I suspect my “religion” is underlining books. I have always found the right book showing up when I thinking about some question. The book I’m currently reading is by Eric Weiner called ‘Man Seeks God’. He is a travel writer that sets out on a quest to answer some of his own questions he has about his own experiences, or lack of experience. He ends up spending some time in various communities around the world asking some of the questions you may be asking. It very well written and funny. The humor is self deprecating as he is very respectful to others thinking and experiences.
I wonder if you might also enjoy the book. The writer doesn’t go overly deep but he is very well read so there are a great number of passages to underline 🙂 … Why do I think you might enjoy the book… I think like me your wondering where you fit. Where you might feel as safe to be yourself as you are when your with your boyfriend. And why it is you find your self annoyed by those that don’t get it and those that seem to have all the answers. Just a thought
Really like your intention of doing something you truly love each day and fulfilling your soul’s needs. I suspect that will take you were you cannot yet even imagine you wanted to be.July 13, 2018 at 10:24 pm #216607JaydeParticipant
Thank you again! I will indeed get that book by Eric Weiner. I was looking it up on book depository and I felt I’ve seen this book cover a number of times but never picked it up. And it definitely does sound like something I’d fully enjoy, you have good intuition! I somehow enjoy self-deprecating humor. I feel they’re real enough to say those things about themselves, acknowledge them and still enjoy every bit of themselves.
Well my boyfriend is the one that caused the sudden annoying awakening. It all happened after I met him. I’ve been surrounded by men who played video games or were in a band (not that any of these are bad) but then I meet this human who meditates, talks about the importance of meditation and self-awareness and I’m suddenly in awe and my whole perspective changed and that sometimes feels like it was a rude interruption into my life, and other times feels calming. For the most parts, it feels annoying at the moment.
I guess I just get tired of not fully understanding some of the things they’re talking about. Mostly because I have a tough time tuning in to the “silence”. It’s a process I guess. A process of learning to trust yourself, your gut feelings, your intuitions, and just letting go. I also feel like it gets too serious sometimes. Talk about the universe, respecting your life’s purpose. honoring yourself and your feelings. When all of these things should come naturally and at most times we resist and we fight it for reasons we’re yet to comprehend. While they call it resisting, I’d call it shaping my own outcome. It’s a lil battle in my mind. Eventually, those thoughts will come to an understanding. For now, I guess I’m still learning to be patient with myself.
“Once you ask a question you cannot unasked it. Ignorance is bliss but you can’t go back. Frankly life is easier when we identify with our ego and suffer. Righteous anger and taking everything personal can really get the juices flowing. Sure, in the end its exhausting and unhealthy but it can feel so good in the moment. You awakened to the realization that you are not your ego and can’t go back. It’s a loss, even if it leads to becoming more authentic, every loss needs to properly mourned.”
That paragraph right there is amazing. So many questions I wished never crossed my mind and was never uttered. Choosing my battles wisely was my ammo, but you realize that the battles you choose to indulge yourself in, is truly the battle you’re choosing to have with yourself and to let go. Shedding the ego, one moment at a time. If that makes any sense?
Thanks again. Also thanks to Phil for raising the questions. I think as long as we’re asking the questions, we’re in the right track already.August 1, 2018 at 12:11 pm #219919TannhauserBlocked
There’s a lot of shit talked about awakening, but nevertheless it isn’t a path you want to be going down if you want a normal, comfortable life. I’ve been going through it for five years and it doesn’t get any easier. At times I have the most intense anger and could easily murder someone. There doesn’t seem to be an endgame in which you suddenly ‘get it’. Gods and goddesses like to mess around with the minds of poor mortals, and they like to keep you hanging with subtle signs you know aren’t just coincidental, yet neither is there anything tangible to hold on to. So you start to wonder if this is all the product of a broken mind. That’s the conclusion I am coming to now. I am DONE with spirituality and I am DONE playing mind games. It’s sad really. After all this time, this awakening could still be nothing more than a complete mental breakdown.
Fuck spirituality Fuck ascension. Fuck kundalini. Seriously.
TannhauserDecember 26, 2018 at 8:43 pm #271081JuneParticipant
I’m too experiencing more difficulties after my awakening. I became much more sensitive, moody, introverted, and many unlucky things happened to me. I aware of my thoughts and take love over fear actions. But those actions produced bad results.
I’m very confused now.February 3, 2019 at 7:03 pm #278437EmilyParticipant
Honestly, I’ve gone through a huge spiritual awakening and I was convinced I was losing my mind. I felt so detached. My ego was suffering. Just like June mentioned above, I became moody, introverted, my life changed and I viewed the world so much more differently. I still do. There isn’t any going back. Once you have this information the world – your world – truly changes. But don’t feel fear in it. Use this as enlightenment. You have become aware. You know more than most people do.February 12, 2022 at 10:34 pm #392683
What is this awakening everyone seems to be talking about? Suffering and thoughts of losing mind and self? Detachment? The only person who can say if one has experienced any opening of the mind is one’s teacher who has experienced it for himself and has had time to bring it to maturity. Most people do not experience the complete awakening as did the Buddha. Rather there may be glimpses of such. The problems comes from not having a teacher guide one. Some experiences could be the mind fighting changes. Some experiences could be just delusions. Personally, I do not doubt that each person believes what they believe in. I just do not believe it was the awakening that the Buddha experienced.February 13, 2022 at 7:47 am #392686
My apologies to any I may have offended. To me awakening has to be worked upon to bring it to maturity. Hearing the lack of guidance and pitfalls, it does not align with all that I learned about awakening to the truth of ones nature. The experience of the mind fallen away. The sense of being whole like finding one’s head was attached to one’s body all the time one was lost.February 13, 2022 at 8:03 am #392688
“The sense of being whole like finding one’s head was attached to one’s body all the time one was lost” – this part speaks to me. If you think that it’s a good idea to elaborate on it, please do.
anitaFebruary 13, 2022 at 10:05 pm #392707
Sorry. May be something I read long time ago?
Personally, still on this journey.
Still practicing, meditating. Still learning.
February 14, 2022 at 4:15 am #392710
- This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by Tommy.
I am still learning too, and your posts, the way you put words/ ideas together, stimulate my learning. So, no need to apologize to me. Thank you!
anitaFebruary 15, 2022 at 6:10 am #392782
I apologize because you do so much here to try to help people. And, I can not even answer your post correctly.
TommyFebruary 15, 2022 at 8:56 am #392788
Well, thank you for your apology and it is accepted. I like the Zen master Hakuin story that you posted most recently. He was so unaffected by his reputation in the village, that is, by what people thought of him, that he didn’t bother protesting a serious false accusation made against him, “Is that so?” was his response. When the accusation was withdrawn and those who accused him apologized, his response was the same, “Is that so?”
You added to the story: “Dwelling upon the way one wants things to be, and it doesn’t turn out that way … it is called suffering. Acting with wisdom and compassion … that is where I see happiness“.
Thank you, Tommy, I am letting this sink in this Tuesday morning.