Ben,

I refuse your apology for rambling! Perhaps you had a lot to say, and had you said any less it wouldn’t have been what you needed to get out. 🙂 Social awkwardness is pretty common, which is why public speaking is the number one fear… ahead of death! A couple things came to heart as I read you words.

I used to be afraid of speaking to others. Even while waiting at the checkout, my mind would bounce through a bazillion different things to say, but I could barely peep a squeak. And, after I did speak, I would cycle what I said through my head over and over.

The solution that worked for me was twofold. The first was starting a metta practice, which resolves self-loathing and self-judgment. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great video on YouTube called “metta” which gives simple instructions. I highly recommend it!

The second was accepting that communication is inherently awkward. We perceive in non conceptual images, and try to distill them into words. Said differently, when we see a tree, for example, we know to call it a tree. However, as someone with a high level of empathy (have you noticed that yet?) a lot of the information and perceptions you experience are not easily put into concepts. It is not that you are “boring” but rather what you see is perhaps different than what people around you talk about.

What I’ve found is that the best solution is to let go of the mind and jump from the spontaneous creativity flowing from your heart. Its what is here in these words to you, and as I write them out they leave almost no footprint in the mind. Just breathe it in, breathe it out. Over and over and over. If something comes up that the other person responds to, breathe that in next and breathe out love. Your heart is incredibly strong, and its just fear clamping down on your generous nature that causes the mind to burst with cycles. Like on old cartoons where Bugs Bunny would stick his finger in the end of Elmer Fudd’s rifle and cause an explosion in Fudd’s face. Your heart wants to be generous and give its song to others, and your throat does a veto, and all that energy has to go somewhere!

Give it a shot, jump in. Even if you say something dumb or the people respond oddly, that just becomes the next in breath, the next fuel for your precious gift of heart.

With warmth,
Matt

Ben,

Thank you so much for writing this…I have had a hard time expressing how I feel and I couldn’t put into words how hard it is for me to speak to people other than my mind just goes blank. People really couldn’t understand that and so when I read what you wrote I said finally, a way to explain that I’m not just shy or that I don’t want to talk to people. How you said you stumble over words then you think you sounded stupid and you don’t want to mess up what your saying to someone sounds like what happens to me in a situation where I have to speak to someone and how I react. I just wanted to say thank you for writing this, now I know what to say instead my mind just blanks.

Thank You,
Brianna