Dear Ik09:

Having read your posts since you returned to your thread two days ago (and having read through DanDan’s thread today), I think that you did your best to give a relationship with him a second chance. You did your best, you did all that you could.

“I am at peace somehow. I know that I tried and I did give the relationship the one chance it deserved“- you did all that you could and more. You deserve to be at peace.

“I think I have understood know how a healthy relationship works“- trying your very best for DanDan and for yourself led you to a better understanding than ever had about how a healthy relationship should work, congratulations!

“I have been on a fitness journey and a reading journey since this month…  I started changing my lifestyle. I eat lot less junk, I cook for myself mostly…  I workout, I read, I give time and energy on self care“- excellent job, congratulations for this as well!

“I haven’t given up on the feeling of love because the fact that I am changing to a healthier perspective of love means I am healing my inner child..“- healing and love (the feeling and the behavior) go together.. like naan and curry (an adaptation of the “like peas and carrots” saying, lol)

“I worked on myself even when we got together and I am still working on myself“- working on yourself during the relationship with him made it possible for you to learn how a healthy relationship should work.

“Life will never be easy but I have learnt that till I am my best friend… Everything else will be alright“- you write so well, no wonder: you are a writer, after all.

“I started working on a new novel this month onwards and I have been so excited ever since. Because this time it is a genuine story, a story not very far from reality and a story which people can believe in and draw hope from“- this sounds wonderful. I hope to read it some day!

“I am unable to be angry with anyone for long because anger hurts me mentally“- this  makes sense. After anger serves its purpose,  letting us know that someone hurt us and that it wasn’t right/ fair to us: better let the anger go.

“I still am thinking why is it that I always dated people away from me… People who could only want long distance relationship“- fear of getting hurt, I figure. Physical-geographic distance feels safer?

“Maybe I was scared of getting too attached and getting too hurt“- I wrote the above before I read this sentence, so yes, fear of getting hurt.

“he messing around and telling me he isn’t attracted to me says a lot about himself… he chose to hurt me“- one of the things it says is that he does not deserve you.

“All good things are happening now, my best friends are moving in the same city that I am in and I know I have people to go out with whenever I don’t feel that great about myself. I think I will keep marriage on the backburner for sometime“- reads good to me!

Since you returned to your thread, you addressed the following to DanDan: “P.S.-I discovered his thread.. which started as a bed of regrets… He is an alcoholic, he is unable to identify and accept it. He says he accepts it so that people get off his back but willingly chooses to drink just to pass time. He is addicted to smoking too… Smokes a pack to 2 packs a day when stressed. But again doesn’t accept it. Says ‘I can quit any day that I decide to quit’… Being obsessed about 6 pack abs… It’s better to be consistent, be in shape and be healthy than to go on fitness journey for one particular kind of body type which cannot be sustained long term. Even actors cannot keep it up for more than the duration of the movie shoot. One should be in reality…”-

– you expressed it very well. I read through his thread for hours today and I agree with everything I quoted, above. I would add to it that DanDan, a 32 year old man currently, is quite disturbed, sadly. He is in no position to be in a relationship with a woman, get married and even in lesser position to bring a child into the world.

His dream has been  “to… be independent in a different country. Living by choice and freedom“, but he can’t handle choice and freedom, nor can he handle independence… or dependence.  He is too anxious, too obsessive. He gets overwhelmed quickly and he panics, he then acts  impulsively any which way so to calm his anxiety. He is often confused, unsettled.

He partly lives in a world of fantasy:  at 31 he was still hoping to be a professional dancer and actor and bodybuilder, fantasies more common in children and teenagers. Usually depressed, he seeks thrills so to get much needed breaks from his boredom and depression.

“I mostly think negative of most of the things. Always feel that the other part is greener than what I have… I have this feeling is grass is greener the other side on all the aspects of my life. Every single thing“- when away from you, you are the greener grass (“I am thinking a lot about her. Imagining the happy moments and how happy we would be, like literally New scenes keep running in my mind“, greener New scenes, that is); when with you (and often when he is away from you as well), the greener grass is elsewhere (“Will I change if I meet another girl ? .. I sometimes think was it all a mistake, that we both met in the first place.. When I talk to her I don’t want her and things feel heavy. When I don’t talk to her I feel I want her and I miss her“).

In March 2022, he wrote: “I am improving myself rapidly on my self respect, self esteem and self love as well and I feel I can handle situations in a matured way. Thanks for being here to help me out“- I decided to not post on his thread because I have no doubt that I didn’t help him at all and that it is not reasonable to hope that I can help him, not even a little. He seeks help from Alcohol and Smoking and Fantasy and whatever Impulsive Behavior seems like the solution-of-the-moment. He refuses to attend AA meetings,  or seek psychiatric or psychological help,  and there is nothing that I (nor you) can do about it.

Better you look forward to a better life for yourself, wish him well and let him go.

anita