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I need Help…Again!

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  • This topic has 197 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by Tee.
Viewing 15 posts - 166 through 180 (of 198 total)
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  • #404282
    Ik09
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    I meant stable for the current situation that was ever since we mended things. All the things that concerned us, we had made a list and had actively worked on those and we were honest with each other in terms of telling exactly how we felt… Even if there was fear or nervousness. We conveyed that. So yeah I wrote that for him only because things were stable for now and we kept discussing if we were on the same page. Till suddenly he fulfilled his dream to move to another country… No matter how short that duration was.

    If you do read the next post, you will understand what I feel now. There is hurt in me currently but I am at peace somehow. I know that I tried and I did give the relationship the one chance it deserved. At least in person. So now I took care of all romantic feelings and I still am happy as the feeling of love makes me positive but I have focused all that love towards myself. It’s not something new… Even when I gave him chance… I shared half of myself unlike the crazy unstable oversharing which I always did. I demanded and received the same attention I gave him and if I received anything less, I gave the same amount back. So it was easier to focus that half of my attention back to myself. I think I have understood know how a healthy relationship works. But if you still feel I need some more work, do suggest. I have been on a fitness journey and a reading journey since this month. I was facing difficulties climbing stairs and that was a shocker for me. I had never been this unfit in life so I started changing my lifestyle. I eat lot less junk, I cook for myself mostly. And even those dishes are healthier versions of actual dishes. I workout, I read, I give time and energy on self care in terms of my face and my style as well.

    The sudden news did throw me off a little but I think it was the final straw because I felt that we both knew how much we have worked and fought for what we have right now. But it is fine. I haven’t given up on the feeling of love because the fact that I am changing to a healthier perspective of love means I am healing my inner child in a way and it makes me happy to even think of that little girl. I have spent a lot of time in life thinking of how things happened and how they impacted me to be who I am today and I did not like myself for pretty obvious reasons… My parents were not comfortable keeping me with them because of my granddaughter. For not knowing for a long time who my mother was… I thought it was my maternal grandmother, blaming myself for sudden loss of my maternal grandfather (suicide), comparison with my sister, getting all hand me downs and being without friends so that my sister did not have issues within her group of friends. I felt I faced a lot… But in reality… I am privileged, very privileged. Unlike the boyfriend I never had to worry about money lenders, I did not see my parents struggle… My parents had invested early on and luckily a lot of shares they invested in made them good profits, suddenly after I was born. It made them believe I was their lucky charm. All the lucky draws and contests were filled in my name and they won them too.. Strengthening their belief… Thus making them love me.

     

    So in all this, my need for love grew very strong but I wasn’t loving myself… Because of which I wanted it from others.

    I actually worked on myself in the past one year, I worked on myself even when we got together and I am still working on myself.

     

    Life will never be easy but I have learnt that till I am my best friend… Everything else will be alright. I think I overwrote again but this is how I have always been… I love long chats and writing long passages. Also I started working on a new novel this month onwards and I have been so excited ever since. Because this time it is a genuine story, a story not very far from reality and a story which people can believe in and draw hope from.

     

    Toodles.

    #404284
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ik09:

    I read your post where you addressed me as well, and will reply further after I re-read our previous communication, it will be in a few hours I imagine.

    anita

    #404301
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ik09:

    I didn’t have much time to read through much of your communication which includes many very long posts. So I’ll start with the very first post that I addressed to you (regarding an ex long-distance boyfriend) and jump straight ahead to the last post that you addressed to me (regarding your most recent, mostly long-distance boyfriend):

    May 9, 2018: anita: “While in a long distance relationship with you, he asked you to write a poem about a beautiful smile. You did as he asked. When you asked why he wanted this poem he told you that he needed it so to pursue another woman. This is cruel behavior on his part, don’t you think? Your response: “I was hurt but I did not say anything then… Shocked at all levels, I did not say anything then”
    <p class=”elementToProof”>July 19, 2022, Iko9: “There was radio silence for 1 year and then boom he was everywhere and suddenly he wanted to be a part of my life. Long story short… After trying extremely hard for about 3 months, he convinced me that he loved me very much and that we should be married… There was radio silence from him again… The next day he tells me he cheated on me the night before…Also told me that he willingly did it because he wanted to and that he stopped feeling attracted to me”- this is cruel behavior on his part, don’t you think?</p>
    How did you respond to his cruel behavior?: “But I am okay… I am so used to his behaviour now that I don’t feel hurt… I will be okay”.

    How is it that you don’t get angry when a man is cruel to you, Ik09 (or do you?)

    anita

     

    #404303
    anita
    Participant

    I’ll try to clear the post from extra print:

    Dear Ik09:

    I didn’t have much time to read through much of your communication which includes many very long posts. So I’ll start with the very first post that I addressed to you (regarding an ex long-distance boyfriend) and jump straight ahead to the last post that you addressed to me (regarding your most recent, mostly long-distance boyfriend):

    May 9, 2018: anita: “While in a long distance relationship with you, he asked you to write a poem about a beautiful smile. You did as he asked. When you asked why he wanted this poem he told you that he needed it so to pursue another woman. This is cruel behavior on his part, don’t you think? Your response: “I was hurt but I did not say anything then… Shocked at all levels, I did not say anything”.

    July 19, 2022, Iko9: “There was radio silence for 1 year and then boom he was everywhere and suddenly he wanted to be a part of my life. Long story short… After trying extremely hard for about 3 months, he convinced me that he loved me very much and that we should be married… There was radio silence from him again… The next day he tells me he cheated on me the night before…Also told me that he willingly did it because he wanted to and that he stopped feeling attracted to me”- this is cruel behavior on his part, don’t you think?

    How did you respond to his cruel behavior?: “But I am okay… I am so used to his behaviour now that I don’t feel hurt… I will be okay”.

    How is it that you don’t get angry when a man is cruel to you, Ik09 (or do you?)

    anita

    #404311
    Ik09
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I know I can be utterly wrong here but it is not just about boyfriends, I tend ignore people and cut them off eventually who have been cruel to me… Boyfriends or friends, even relatives.

    People do not understand by words so even if I sit down with them and explain, they will still feel that although what they did was wrong, they did it because of some reason/excuse.

    Best revenge to cruel behavior is no revenge at all… All those negativity in being angry towards someone… It takes lot more effort than forgiving them. I am unable to be angry with anyone for long because anger hurts me mentally.

    But yeah what is in my hands is understanding when to move away and that I do.

    On a different note, two men significant in my life cheated on me. I think it says something about the people I have been dating. I don’t think I should be choosing partners anymore. I don’t think I choose people well. It can be purely coincidental but none of the relationships I had in my life lasted more than three months and these two relationships lasted 3-3.5 years. And none were with people around me. Maybe I was too scared if things become too real for me to handle. I still am thinking why is it that I always dated people away from me… People who could only want long distance relationship. Maybe I was scared of getting too attached and getting too hurt…

    I am slowly realising what a normal relationship should be and how far I am from it.

    #404319
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ik09:

    I know that I want to reply to you in the morning when I am not as tired as I am now, but for now: I don’t want people to be cruel to you anymore. The two instances of cruelty I mentioned in my last post, these anger me. It is not right for a man (no matter his reasons, no  matter what he is suffering from) to be cruel to a woman the way these two men were. I mean, how dare this last man tell you that he is not sexually attracted to you, and to say it after he cheated on you?  What possible benefit is there in saying (the italicized): it can only hurts you, and in no way can it help you. WHY WOULD HE SAY THAT? Shame is on him!

    anita

    #404322
    Ik09
    Participant

    I must have saved a country in my past life to have received such good people in my life. I was always afraid of women in my life because of the bullying in primary school. But women have always been kinder to me than men. In every role. Except my brother. He is my best friend.

    I felt angry too Anita, I felt really angry and it comes in between even now.

    But It is true that people present their insecurities on us whenever such things happen and not the other way around.

    Last year I told you all I made a mistake, the first and only in my life till now. It is a hollow feeling to kiss or be with someone for momentary comfort. And I was so distressed that I chose that. Only to realise later that I did not like it, I never want that. I was the one who lacked then, not anyone else. I was suffering gravely from insecurities, nobody else.

    Similarly, he messing around and telling me he isn’t attracted to me says a lot about himself currently. He does not have a connect with his inner person, definitely trying to strangle that inner child. He was so unsure of himself that when surprisingly his bumble account filled with connects he felt he needed to explore them. Says a lot about how he felt in his native country and how this new country gave him that pseudo confidence.

    I still get angry some nights for few moments, why did he pursue me then, he should have just moved on and done this. But no, he chose to hurt me purposely.

    But that anger will do less harm to him and more harm to my mind.

    I will start thinking of that lady, wanting to know about them, my insecurities will become high and I don’t want to thwart my growth because of anyone else.

    But I feel so happy to see your messages… Both Tee and Anita for that matter… I truly feel I made friends on this forum.

    #404323
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ik09:

    I am glad to read that you are angry at him because if you weren’t angry it would have meant that you thought it was a no-big-deal to hurt your feelings, as if your feelings are not important. Being angry at him for being cruel to you means that you believe that he hurt a person of worth, a person of value, a person whose feelings are precious and should be protected.

    You are kind, Ik09. You were always kind to me, but there was a time when I was unkind to you, right here on your thread, and I regret it. It will not happen again.

    I want to bring to the front this man’s thread, his thread, study it and post in it what I learn. Please let me know if you prefer that I don’t, will you?

    anita

    #404326
    Ik09
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You can write on his thread, but only help him if he needs and wants help. If he doesn’t. Just let him be. I knew he had a thread on this forum after he deleted the earlier one but I did not try to read it earlier. I read it this time and I felt I shouldn’t have. The will to change or not… It is his choice. Your effort and words will do nothing to him if he himself never realises he did wrong.

    I was good to him all the time, but he took me for granted because of it. I was good to him not because he is the only man alive nor that I can’t date around or can’t fool around, but the friendship between us was too strong and the fact that he shared his mind with only me and nobody else in the entire world- not his family and not his friends… made me always feel that I should be kind to this man, be his friend like he has been mine.

    But that does not give anybody the right to play with my emotions, my time and my self esteem. I wanted to see that we had this relationship living in the same city, would it work or not and Oh My God Anita, it was such a splendid time. We are really compatible. But if he did not understand that then perhaps he will never understand anything good that happens to him.

    As for myself, I will spend the upcoming months realizing my dream of workcations , enjoying my youth by eating good, dressing up well(I am already doing that now-spending my hard earned money and not my parent’s) and writing whenever I can(I found a story- a very relatable one- I need some research as it is too real but I work on it everyday so that I don’t let it go). All good things are happening now, my best friends are moving in the same city that I am in and I know I have people to go out with whenever I don’t feel that great about myself. I think I will keep marriage on the backburner for sometime. Even my parents understand that I am not in the mental space to think of anyone else so they don’t talk about it although I haven’t told them about the cheating part.

    I believe in Karma, so I will let the universe do their thing while I do mine.

    Also, absolutely don’t regret being unkind. I will rather put it as you had a different perspective to things and not unkind- but even that perspective helped me in understanding every aspect of the matters I was facing. You have been my saviour and friend since past 5 years and although there are gaps in between. I always find my way back to you. You are a gem!

    P.S.-You can talk to him if you want to help him but it is solely your decision.

    #404327
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ik09:

    You are again, very kind. Thank you for being you! There is a lot of what you shared recently, including in your most recent post, and I will- later. Regarding the guy, my faith in being able to help him is about 0,01%, but I’ll keep in mind- when I do post in his thread- the principle of do-no-harm. I won’t be able to help him,  most likely, but at least, I will not hurt him. My purpose is to understand him better… maybe that will help just a bit.

    It will take me hours before I finally submit a post in his thread. I am working on replying to another member right now and although it’s morning here, my brain is still tired, so I am slow.

    anita

    #404328
    anita
    Participant

    edit: There is a lot of what you shared recently, including in your most recent post, that I didn’t respond to yet- but I will, later.

    #404338
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ik09:

    Having read your posts since you returned to your thread two days ago (and having read through DanDan’s thread today), I think that you did your best to give a relationship with him a second chance. You did your best, you did all that you could.

    I am at peace somehow. I know that I tried and I did give the relationship the one chance it deserved“- you did all that you could and more. You deserve to be at peace.

    I think I have understood know how a healthy relationship works“- trying your very best for DanDan and for yourself led you to a better understanding than ever had about how a healthy relationship should work, congratulations!

    I have been on a fitness journey and a reading journey since this month…  I started changing my lifestyle. I eat lot less junk, I cook for myself mostly…  I workout, I read, I give time and energy on self care“- excellent job, congratulations for this as well!

    I haven’t given up on the feeling of love because the fact that I am changing to a healthier perspective of love means I am healing my inner child..“- healing and love (the feeling and the behavior) go together.. like naan and curry (an adaptation of the “like peas and carrots” saying, lol)

    I worked on myself even when we got together and I am still working on myself“- working on yourself during the relationship with him made it possible for you to learn how a healthy relationship should work.

    Life will never be easy but I have learnt that till I am my best friend… Everything else will be alright“- you write so well, no wonder: you are a writer, after all.

    I started working on a new novel this month onwards and I have been so excited ever since. Because this time it is a genuine story, a story not very far from reality and a story which people can believe in and draw hope from“- this sounds wonderful. I hope to read it some day!

    I am unable to be angry with anyone for long because anger hurts me mentally“- this  makes sense. After anger serves its purpose,  letting us know that someone hurt us and that it wasn’t right/ fair to us: better let the anger go.

    I still am thinking why is it that I always dated people away from me… People who could only want long distance relationship“- fear of getting hurt, I figure. Physical-geographic distance feels safer?

    Maybe I was scared of getting too attached and getting too hurt“- I wrote the above before I read this sentence, so yes, fear of getting hurt.

    he messing around and telling me he isn’t attracted to me says a lot about himself… he chose to hurt me“- one of the things it says is that he does not deserve you.

    All good things are happening now, my best friends are moving in the same city that I am in and I know I have people to go out with whenever I don’t feel that great about myself. I think I will keep marriage on the backburner for sometime“- reads good to me!

    Since you returned to your thread, you addressed the following to DanDan: “P.S.-I discovered his thread.. which started as a bed of regrets… He is an alcoholic, he is unable to identify and accept it. He says he accepts it so that people get off his back but willingly chooses to drink just to pass time. He is addicted to smoking too… Smokes a pack to 2 packs a day when stressed. But again doesn’t accept it. Says ‘I can quit any day that I decide to quit’… Being obsessed about 6 pack abs… It’s better to be consistent, be in shape and be healthy than to go on fitness journey for one particular kind of body type which cannot be sustained long term. Even actors cannot keep it up for more than the duration of the movie shoot. One should be in reality…”-

    – you expressed it very well. I read through his thread for hours today and I agree with everything I quoted, above. I would add to it that DanDan, a 32 year old man currently, is quite disturbed, sadly. He is in no position to be in a relationship with a woman, get married and even in lesser position to bring a child into the world.

    His dream has been  “to… be independent in a different country. Living by choice and freedom“, but he can’t handle choice and freedom, nor can he handle independence… or dependence.  He is too anxious, too obsessive. He gets overwhelmed quickly and he panics, he then acts  impulsively any which way so to calm his anxiety. He is often confused, unsettled.

    He partly lives in a world of fantasy:  at 31 he was still hoping to be a professional dancer and actor and bodybuilder, fantasies more common in children and teenagers. Usually depressed, he seeks thrills so to get much needed breaks from his boredom and depression.

    I mostly think negative of most of the things. Always feel that the other part is greener than what I have… I have this feeling is grass is greener the other side on all the aspects of my life. Every single thing“- when away from you, you are the greener grass (“I am thinking a lot about her. Imagining the happy moments and how happy we would be, like literally New scenes keep running in my mind“, greener New scenes, that is); when with you (and often when he is away from you as well), the greener grass is elsewhere (“Will I change if I meet another girl ? .. I sometimes think was it all a mistake, that we both met in the first place.. When I talk to her I don’t want her and things feel heavy. When I don’t talk to her I feel I want her and I miss her“).

    In March 2022, he wrote: “I am improving myself rapidly on my self respect, self esteem and self love as well and I feel I can handle situations in a matured way. Thanks for being here to help me out“- I decided to not post on his thread because I have no doubt that I didn’t help him at all and that it is not reasonable to hope that I can help him, not even a little. He seeks help from Alcohol and Smoking and Fantasy and whatever Impulsive Behavior seems like the solution-of-the-moment. He refuses to attend AA meetings,  or seek psychiatric or psychological help,  and there is nothing that I (nor you) can do about it.

    Better you look forward to a better life for yourself, wish him well and let him go.

    anita

     

    #404354
    Ik09
    Participant

    Yeah Anita,

    I didwish him well when I talked clearly to him, told him that we cannot continue further at all and that I deserve to have someone who appreciates all that I bring to a relationship.

    He was in denial obviously, was unable to grasp that that call was our last conversation together. Kept saying think some more, take some time and let’s discuss this. But i am of firm mind now… If one keeps repeating the same mistakes over and over, they are considered a fool. And I don’t want to be one.

    I will update you on the story and life(if I could go on a workcation) in coming months. ❤

    #404355
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ik09:

    I am glad that you wished him well and that you thoroughly understand that repeating the same mistakes over and over again makes one a fool, and that you don’t want to be a fool.  Please don’t ever be his fool again; don’t be anyone’s fool… !

    Don’t give in into empathy for those who fool you. I am on your side, not on the side of any person who fools you and hurts you. I’m looking forward yo your update.

    anita

     

    #404357
    Ik09
    Participant

    Love and power to you Anita❤🤗

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