I need Help…Again!

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    Dear Ik09:

    You are my friend, I appreciate it. I am your friend then! My favorite ice cream is ice cream sundae, of course (isn’t it everyone’s favorite.. lol): soft, cold vanilla ice cream with hot chocolate fudge sauce dropped into it, whipped cream on top and lots of nuts all over.

    (I am taking a few moments to recover from the visual..)- yes, please do update me about changes on your end. I know that work has been heavy on your mind for quite some time.




    I honestly thought I replied back to this post!

    Hi Anita,

    I was not a fan of vanilla earlier but recently I discovered this flavour called French Vanilla and I have been all about Sundae and vanilla after that. And I think French Vanilla is my favourite flavour now.

    My job is still difficult but I am coping anyhow. My parents want me to quit and try anything else but I am insecure about getting another job in current situations as all sectors have been hit heavily by the pandemic.

    How are you doing? Did you get any chances to laugh recently? I hope you are healthy.

    and, Have you ever tried Indian Cuisine? 🙂




    Dear Ik09:

    Did I try Indian Cuisine? Of course I did, it’s the best cuisine in the world, well, one of the few best, and a  must-try for every person on the face of the earth. I will be back to your thread tomorrow morning, in about 16 hours from now and write some more.



    Dear Ik09:

    Talking about French Vanilla, I am drinking coffee topped with French Vanilla cream right now (not yet 8 am). Regarding Indian food, one of my favorite eating experiences is to wipe off a curry dish with fresh nan, heavenly!

    I understand your hesitance regarding quitting your job, being practical. I am healthy, as far as I know, thank you for asking. Regarding laughing… really laughing, it happens sometimes, not often enough. I would like to laugh more. What about you…???



    I don’t feel too good these days. As the marriage thing is progressing, I find myself afraid of men and the mere thought of being with someone again is giving me stress. Life consists of only my job currently and since even that is messy so I find myself out of energy and unable to participate in anything.

    I avoid talking to people because I feel so mentally drained. Even texting takes effort because It means I gotta commit my time to the conversation till the person wants to go on with conversations. I wait for the weekend to talk to anyone.

    I might be slightly depressed and except for food, nothing delights me anymore. I badly want to go out but the situation is still not so good and a probable third wave in the country has been predicted to set in late august-early September. So although I feel so trapped in my room, there is no way to escape this feeling till the situation in the world is normal again.


    I don’t think I have genuinely laughed in a long time. I am trying every day but when the situations are same, the results are also the same despite the efforts.




    I love Naan and would love to have a coffee topped with French Vanilla- but I want to have it in a cafe- not at home anymore.


    Dear Ik09:

    Find a way to get out for a walk, or several walks during each day or evening, so that you get outside your room. The need to spend time outdoors is a real human need- that’s why prisoners on death row (in the U.S.), who are locked in their cells most of the day, get some time each day to be outdoors- in the prison yard, to exercise, or just hang out.

    I wish I could make you laugh. In desperation.. I googled some jokes for you, but that would be silly. Your most urgent need, as I see it, is to go out. I don’t remember.. didn’t you get vaccinated???



    Dear lk09,

    I am sorry to hear your job situation is still the same 🙁

    I don’t feel too good these days. As the marriage thing is progressing, I find myself afraid of men and the mere thought of being with someone again is giving me stress. Life consists of only my job currently and since even that is messy so I find myself out of energy and unable to participate in anything.

    Are your parents still sending you profiles of potential candidates? Perhaps you can tell them that you’re stressed with work and don’t have either physical or mental strength to think about marriage at the moment. If they send you profiles of potential candidates, don’t even look at those if they cause you additional stress…

    How about potential scholarships abroad? Are you still interested in that?





    Dear lk09,

    how have you been doing? I wish you pleasant holidays and a very happy New Year!


    Hi Tee(?)/TeaK,

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Sorry for being months late but things moved on rocket speed for me until now.</p>
    I hope you had a wonderful start to this year and I am truly sorry for being MIA.

    I hope you have been well. Tell me what has been up with you? If you wish to…


    Dear lk09,

    what a nice surprise! I am happy to hear from you. I’ve been so-so, having some health issues, sometimes managing it better, sometimes not so well. Right now I am on holidays and in a better phase 🙂 Thanks for inquiring, that’s very nice of you <3

    How have you been? You say “things moved on rocket speed for me until now“. Would you like to share some more? I must say I haven’t responded to your boyfriend’s last post (not sure in which phase you two are now?) but I’ve been planning to, thinking about it recently… And then you wrote! It must be synchronicity 🙂


    I have been good and things moved fast in terms of job.


    With the boyfriend… There was radio silence for 1 year and then boom he was everywhere and suddenly he wanted to be a part of my life.

    Long story short… After trying extremely hard for about 3 months, he convinced me that he loved me very much and that we should be married. He even made me meet his family.

    And then I told my family and they were not happy as they believed in astrology and my boyfriend and my charts did not align well. However I remained firm that I wanted only him. My parents haven’t been talking well to me after that. They just call sometimes to remind me of days (religious days) which I should fast for and some days when there is some upcoming religious day. That’s it. I call them to tell them of interviews so they acknowledge and say they wish me well.


    In the midst of all this, the boyfriend went to another country (1st time outing of our own country) with his family to meet his extended family who live in that city.

    There was radio silence from him again. 4 days later I contacted him and asked him jokingly if he didn’t miss me and he said yes I didn’t.And he added there was nothing to say so I did not text you.


    Then I deliberately pinged him the next day and we talked a little about my job situation (trying to switch jobs). That was it.

    The next day,  I told him the situation at my home in brief.. Just said how upset my parents were… Nothing more than that… And he said he was confused again about us. Also that he felt I had extreme emotional needs(I hugged him everyday and kissed him everyday when he stayed around me) and also he felt like a father around me(god knows what I did that was so childish).


    And the next day I tried texting him about a job offer and he texted he will text later… This was a first in 3.5 years… He would either not respond if he actually was in something urgent or reply and talk.

    I felt odd but I told him okay.

    The next day he tells me he cheated on me the night before. He drank all night with some girl and made out with her. Also told me that he willingly did it because be wanted to and that he stopped feeling attracted to me because he slept with me… He was feeling attracted in the period of that one year because I kept him away but when I kept kissing him and hugging him he felt that I was giving myself too easily to him and hence he lost the attraction.


    Hahah, the man does not get what a serious relationship is.


    He wants me to be okay with it because he “realised” Casual hookup and sex etc. Is not for him and he feels it’s a big deal that he did not have sex with her… He stopped himself because he thought of me all through.


    I was still okay when he said he willingly kissed her… I has done that too on a break long back in 2020… I wanted to know if I was attracted to anyone else. And I found that alas… It was just the Boyfriend whom I was attracted to.


    But the “I don’t think I am attracted to you anymore” Part broke my heart. And I don’t feel sad about it as well. I feel normal. I don’t know if I am dealing well with it or not. But I am okay I just don’t want to think of anything romantic, no partner, no nothing. Just doing my job and being comfortable in it.


    Pretty sure he has access to this as well. If you do, I feel pity for you for not being able to realise what we had and what we could have become. But I still forgive you. I hope you find something happy and more lasting in future. I am unable to process it entirely because it seems stupid to me to throw stable loving situation for some moments of thrill, attraction and passion. But I am not dependent on anyone emotionally or financially and I think I will get better and maybe we can talk about it(not getting back together but we can talk…the only thing that kept pulling me back to you was our immense comfort and friendship so I owe you my ears because of that). Or maybe not. Let the time tell.



    Sorry for bombarding you with all this… But you asked me about it and to be honest… I have spoken to nobody about it till now.

    Crying sometime at night, doing things I love during the day, reading and writing… I am slowly mending myself to happy and stable mind.





    Also tee… Do tell me about the health situations… If that is what is troubling you. I would Patiently read and help if I can.


    To Anita and Tee,

    Life is full of surprises and so, when I had felt I had completely moved on, and wasn’t expecting anything short of the healthy state of affairs I was expecting from life.

    When “DanDan” Pursued me again despite my warnings that I would not meet him, he came down to my city only to meet me. So I met him and strictly told him we were not to be. I kept telling him in every way possible that we should not be together but all that crying and telling me that I am the love of his life moved me somewhere.

    To be honest- I was unable to move on as well. The reason being… Somewhere I always felt that I did not give this relationship a proper chance. It was never in person, always in long distance. So a month of denying passed into a month of giving things a thought to another month of living together. 3 months passed. To be honest, when we stayed together apart from his drinking spree with his friends.. He kept his drinking in control. He was funny and although he did not help with household chores at first, he started helping out. Gave me massages when I had back ache from work… I have a back pain issue which the mattress is aggravating as well.

    Saw him have terrible nightmares.. He jumps in his sleep a lot, has total loss of reality for few seconds if he wakes up from a scary dream and then he feels fine. We had fun times, inner jokes, things we did together. And I felt that it was a good decision to have spent time together.

    But his office in the other city… They resumed work from office and so when it was time for me to switch, I decided to move to his city so that we can spend time together and even finalise a home so that as soon as marriage proceedings at home are done we can move in together.

    Then he left my place.. We spent a month apart again… I had asked him if I can visit but he stated he was preparing for interviews himself for his dream FAANG companies. Then he was supposed to take this trip with family to the other country and here is where things completely came to a standstill.


    I am so used to his behaviour now that I don’t feel hurt. I had given this relationship once chance because everyone deserves one chance. But it was blown into the air like smoke.


    I have no expectations from anyone. Now I know what I need to do. I want a family and a extremely loving partner… Someone who would crave for me to hug him after a day of hard work, someone who would want to kiss me subtly good night… At least for initial 10-15 years because with kids and responsibilities I understand that the small gestures become less frequent. But I want him to be grateful that I am a part of his life. Why? Because I know what sort of a woman I am and what I bring to a relationship. And love and care should be responded with love and care.

    That is it.


    (P.S.-I discovered his thread yesterday, I had never been wanted to go through his journey of self discovery so I never tried finding it earlier. But now I feel what did he exactly do in the past year so I searched. Little snooping and I found his thread which started as a bed of regrets, and his issues which I am well aware of. I have said the same to him a thousand times- about leaving no place for regrets by doing things when we are supposed to… He is an alcoholic, he is unable to identify and accept it. He says he accepts it so that people get off his back but willingly chooses to drink just to pass time. He is addicted to smoking too… Smokes a pack to 2 packs a day when stressed. But again doesn’t accept it. Says I can quit anyday that I decide to quit.

    I have met his mother, his mother is a wonderful human being. She is a bit underconfident in things because of a complex. And maybe the care and love she required from an active partner was missing. Otherwise she has been more than attentive to her kids. All of them. The fighting between mother and sisters as he puts it… It happens in every indian family if there are daughters. Reason: women have different perspectives to how they want their life, their house to be and the way they want to do things. If they live long enough within the same household they will have difference of opinions which often happens. Put together women in their 30s,40s and 60s in a dorm, there will be chaos. Because these women have a way of life they want and do not want to comply to others. It’s completely normal.


    About moving abroad, it is a senseless passion to me. Leave your country for a chance to be in another where your identity will be a second grade citizen… As you are not born there.


    Yes go to work, go to explore and then come back. The stupid idea of movies and videos… These are specially curated for people to want to live there. Small trips to places can make you want to live there but in long term scenario everywhere will be the same if your mind has not found peace and “home” In itself.

    The body and dancing…


    He feels he is an excellent dancer because people told him so… I have been a dance enthusiast all my life and I feel that if one needs alcohol to dance, they are not a dancer. If music does not make you sway, does not give you ideas not matter what sound it is… If you can feel and identify the rhythm, you are a dancer. However if you remain glued to your seat unless there is alcohol in your system. I doubt whether it is dancing which makes you feel good or just the attention you got from the entire city and your parents when you danced well or acted well once.

    The body building… Being obssessed about 6 pack abs… It’s better to be consistent, be in shape and be healthy than to go on fitness journey for one particular kind of body type which cannot be sustained long term. Even actors cannot keep it up for more than the duration of the movie shoot.


    One should be in reality, identify what actually makes them happy. If it is dancing then shed your fears and do it in front of people. If you cannot, cross it off your list of things you need to do before you start loving yourself.


    There should be no list to be checked off in order to love yourself.

    When I make my body, I will be okay. No you will not.


    Stand in front of the mirror, do you like your face- the dark circles, the pores, the nose, the lips… Look at everything and realise it’s me. I am okay. I like myself. Keep repeating it. Fake it till you make it. And you will be few steps ahead in your journey of life.


    Drinking and smoking are the villain of your life. Identify them- your immense attraction for random people, your need for thrill, your issues with your own self will slowly show up in your life. Right now you can only see them when sober and forget their presence when drunk. Understand it this way, unless you meet a client, you cannot explain your product or sell. You need to meet your insecurities and fears first in order to resolve them.

    I know somewhere you hesitate meeting therapists and counselors.

    But before you go to that step, journal your thoughts. See how mixed everything is. Identify the things you need to fix and fix them otherwise you will never be happy.


    Anita and Tee…

    Reach out to me whenever you want…

    I know it won’t seem that I am capable to handling people given my decisions in this relationship. But same as he said, I had never experienced something like this ever before with anyone. And it was hard to accept it’s end. But I have. And am very clear as to why it ended this time.

    I am available as a friend to both of you guys just as you have been to me. Patient and caring. Please share if you want to.


    Love, IK09


    Dear lk09,

    [Note: I see that you’ve posted again in the meanwhile – haven’t read that yet, this is my reply to your previous post]

    First, I am happy to hear that your job situation has improved since we last spoke. Well done!

    As for the boyfriend…. I am sorry he mislead you again… but I have to say I wasn’t too surprised because I suspected that the sudden and radical change that he reported of back in spring isn’t really sustainable but a temporary improvement, a temporary “high”. Deep emotional healing – which he was in need of – doesn’t happen in 30 days, so I was almost sure that his newly found enthusiasm for you wasn’t going to last.

    Unfortunately, his most recent rejection of you, and the explanations/excuses that he gave you show that he still has a lot of emotional healing and maturing to do.

    In fact, they show that he isn’t really willing to look at himself but is putting the blame for his flimsy behavior on you (by his flimsy behavior I mean chasing you and being interested in you only after you gave up on him and told him it’s definitely over, and then rejecting you again when you said Yes to his marriage proposal).

    These are the reasons he gave you for rejecting you this time: 1) He says you have “extreme emotional needs” because you kiss him and hug him often – which is a normal behavior between two people in love. 2) He compares your relationship – which was a long-term relationship where you discussed marriage many times and this spring he even told you he wanted to marry you – with a casual hookup, and then blames you for having had sex with him as if you are quick to have sex with just anyone.

    So basically he blames you for showing love and affection for him, and wanting to be intimate with the man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. Very unfair of him…

    What worries me in all this, lk09, is that you believe that you had a stable loving relationship with him. Your words to him: “it seems stupid to me to throw stable loving situation for some moments of thrill, attraction and passion.”

    The truth is you never had a stable loving relationship with him. He was always slipping away while you were chasing him. He was uninterested and deep in his addictions, and you were there for him, cheering him on, trying to help him feel better, trying to make him love you…. but it never worked. Unless maybe a very short period this spring when he said he wanted to marry you. But his enthusiasm quickly ended and he went back to being “confused” and uninterested again.

    Please re-read my post No 377396, in which I explained how you saw your relationship through rose-colored glasses, because you needed him to love you and give you the feeling of being special and worthy.

    This is what I wrote in that post:

    [your words] There were never issues between us- we understood one another well but these addictions were always the bone of contention.

    [my comment] Based on what you’ve written before, I believe there were issues between you, but you chose not to look at them. You said your long-distance relationship got cold after a while, e.g. when you’d send him love emojis, he’d send back nervous emojis, because he wasn’t comfortable to reciprocate. It might be because he was in the grip of his addiction and would have felt dishonest to send you love and kisses and pretend that everything is fine – but in any case, he wasn’t really showing the enthusiasm that you were showing. He was withdrawing already then. It was you who chose to believe that things will get better, because you couldn’t imagine losing him.

    That’s why I said in my previous post that you were looking at your relationship through rose-colored glassed. You decided to ignore or minimize the signs of trouble, you believed addictions “could be fixed”, you chose to ignore his lack of affection and his refusal to talk about his problems. You believed that he was “the One”, the fulfillment of your dream to marry out of love and have that perfect relationship that you craved for.

    It seems that you are still viewing your relationship as a “stable loving situation”, when it never was, not on his side….  I wonder if you can see that?


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