Dear lk09,

You haven’t responded to my last post, so I don’t know if you’ve read it and how you feel about it. And whether you agree that Dandan was actually hurting you with his behavior and that you have been tolerating it for a long while. I have read our previous communication and this is what you said about him last year in June:

I don’t consider him as someone who hurt me so I bear no negative feelings for him.

Now, you also said that his recent behavior didn’t hurt you because you are used to it (I am so used to his behaviour now that I don’t feel hurt). The things you weren’t hurt about are: him going back to being distant and unresponsive as soon as he left your place, after 1 month of intense love affair and him asking you to marry him. Him telling you he wasn’t missing you while he was away. Him telling you that he is unsure about you again because you are too emotionally demanding and all over him, kissing him and hugging him, and having sex too eagerly. And him telling you that he was making out with some girl at a party.

The only thing that hurt you – that you admitted that hurt you – is that he told you he wasn’t attracted to you. That’s what “broke your heart.” But even about that, you said you don’t feel sad, you feel normal (I don’t feel sad about it as well. I feel normal.)

I must say it’s not normal to not feel hurt by his behavior, to not feel angry, to not feel terribly upset, to the point of not wanting to have anything to do with this person any more. That would be a normal human reaction to being treated like you were treated.

The only reason that you would take it so calmly and peacefully is that your natural, spontaneous anger is suppressed. And I have an idea why this might be: because of your sister and the dynamic between the two of you while growing up.

This is what you said about your sister last April:

My sister … never let me do anything I liked, When I used to dance-she would make fun of my dancing, English was my second language and so I had difficulty in the beginning so it was a laughing topic if I would write she would make fun of that, how I walk, what I wear, how I tie my hair, and yet complained that I always had the best of stuff, got more pocket money, anything that I used to have- she would take it anyhow but wearing it repeatedly and not washing it till I stopped asking for it. And it was all fun and games to her till I would talk back or ask for stuff. As a kid, she used to hit me for even taking her pencil while doing my homework if I lost mine. I have to remind you here that I am 5 years younger and so, I was already getting hand-me-downs and the stationary used to be with her so that it is SAFE. it was so safe that I never got to touch any of it till I was in 9th grade and she left for college.

My sister had come to visit me when I was in college 2nd year, I had asked my mum to not let her stay at my hostel but mum was like she is only staying there for a day, she had a train the next day. She had an argument with me because I was searching for something while she was speaking to me. Then she tried paying me for her stay, Which she did by throwing the money in my face, I lost my temper, I took the money and thrust it in her palms. She got angry seeing me reacting back so in front of my hostel girls, she kicked me first and then while I was on the floor thrashed me on my head 2-3 times then went inside my room. I was humiliated but I got up and went inside as well. She had a train in 2 hours and the railway station was a little far so I fixed my hair and Wiped my tears. Took her luggage and said come I will drop you off at the station, you might get lost on your own. She was like obviously this is your duty. I dropped her off, sent her off with food and magazines for the way. And came back. Not just that night but for the next few days, everyone kept talking about the incident and looked at me with pity as if I was an injured animal. And this is just one example.

Your sister was a terrible bully, and you had to take her bullying and terrorizing without saying a word. You had to, not because you wanted to, but because 1) she was bigger and would hit you, and more importantly 2) she had the protection and blessing of your family, so she could do whatever she wanted and you needed to tolerate it without protesting:

Everyone used to get angry with me if I lost my temper whenever she provoked because according to them, it is her nature and you have to be the understanding one and not fight. And like a fool, I believed that yes it was my fault that our fights occurred because I lost my temper.

Your family would get angry with you if you tried to defend yourself from her bullying. So you learned that there is no point in getting angry, or showing that you are angry. It’s better to just take the abuse without saying anything.

Even after she hit you while she was visiting you in college, and trashed your head while you were lying on the floor – you proceeded to behave politely with her and took her to the train station. She never apologized, she expected nothing less than silence and obedience from you (She was like obviously this is your duty.)

The next few days, everyone kept talking about the incident – because indeed it was something outrageous and disturbing. And everyone was pitying you because indeed, you deserved sympathy and empathy, faced with such bullying and humiliation. But you, you took it peacefully, calmly, gracefully, you carried her luggage and gave her food and magazines for the journey. You were the second year of college and you’ve obviously learned to suppress your anger by then, and it seems you were quite good at it. And this pattern continued, as it seems to me, into your romantic relationships too….

Healthy anger is necessary to set boundaries and defend ourselves from abuse. In we lack it, i.e. if it is suppressed, we will tolerate abuse and humiliation much longer than we are supposed to…