Dear Madina:

You are very welcome. As far as thanking me for this forum, I am a member here, like you (although a very active member). I too appreciate tiny buddha and am very thankful to Lori Deschene who owns and runs tiny buddha.

I read and re-read your posts and I detected nothing to indicate that you ever were lesbian or bi-sexual. What you did in college when drunk does not count as evidence of sexual orientation, nor does you having watched lesbian porn and liking it. What you shared indicates to me that you are a heterosexual woman who suffers from elevated anxiety. It is so common for elevated anxiety to attach itself to the question am I homosexual?  that there is a term for it: hocd, standing for Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder  (ocd is fueled by elevated anxiety).

“I always ask them to break up with me and provoke them. When I was 6, my father left…  And then he re-married, I was very jealous. And actually jealousy is a big thing in my relationships, the reason that I sabotage them. I am scared that the guy will look at other girls, like them” – you must have loved your father very, very much, and when he left, it hurt very, very much. So much that when you start loving a man, you want him to leave before you love him too much.

“I fell in love with a guy, but he is in a relationship, another disappointment and I’m just like ‘maybe  lesbian?’ “- as troubling as your hocd is for you, your brain figured- without consulting with you- that it’s less scary to consider that you are lesbian than it is to become more aware/ more in touch with how much it hurt the little girl that you were to lose her father, and worse, to lose him to another family. So your brain does the less scary thing.

The result: on one hand you need and want love with a man, and on the other hand, you are scared that love will hurt you by leaving you. Did your father have children when he remarried, and if he did, how did you feel about it?

anita