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Questioning my sexuality

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 18 total)
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  • #405594
    Madina
    Participant

    Hello!

    this forum has been so helpful for me!

    thank you a lot!

    I wanted to ask you for help, because all of a sudden I have been asking myself about my sexuality, which orientation I am.

    I’ve always dated men, but I had abusive violent relationships.

    I am not in a relationship right now, it has been almost 2 years that I am single.

    i always wanted to get married, have a family, but now I just don’t want it anymore, I feel so disappointed in this marriage and love thing, that it won’t happen in my life, plus almost 2 years single and a had a crush on a guy, but he was not single.

    So all of a sudden I thought maybe I am a lesbian? And man is not my thing?

    I watched lesbian porn, I liked it, I kissed girls when I was drunk in college years, and even had oral sex once when I was super drunk.

    but like nothing else! No relationships or crushes.

    and it scares me a lot! That this thing just doesn’t come out of my mind. That I’m single, I can’t find a man and my mind tells me that that’s a sign that I’m wrong about my orientation, that men hurt me.

    I understand that I sound crazy, but I feel so broken and lonely.

    Since I was little, I always dreamed about a husband, kids, but know I just think that I’ve been in denial all the time, and lied to myself.

    I get panic attacks about that and I can’t sleep. And once I just cried and said “ok!! If I am gay ok!!! Fine!” I just wanted this thoughts to go away.

    because I am scared to contact women, my girlfriends. I don’t know what I feel towards women anymore.

    and I am scared of men, I am so scared of being hurt or abused again, I don’t feel safe around them. Even the guy I had a crush on, I think that something is going to happen, he will break my heart, hurt me, or abuse me.

    and yes, for me it’s safer to be around women, than men.

    I’m just tired of men, it seems that I’ve been dating my whole life and can’t find true love

    #405743
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Madina:

    I’ve always dated men, but I had abusive violent relationships. .. men hurt me… I am scared of men, I am so scared of being hurt or abused again, I don’t feel safe around them…. for me it’s safer to be around women“-

    -it is safer for you to be around women because you are not romantically or sexually involved with them. If you were, you wouldn’t be safe from relationship violence.  Relationship violence is so common in lesbian relationships that there is a whole Wikipedia entry on the topic titled  Domestic violence in lesbian relationships. It reads in part: “The issue of domestic violence among lesbians has become a serious social concern… Some sources state that gay and lesbian couples experience domestic violence at the same frequency as heterosexual couples, <sup id=”cite_ref-Karmen_7-0″ class=”reference”></sup>while other sources state domestic violence among gay, lesbian, and bisexual individuals might be higher than that among heterosexual individuals”.

    From Ananaias Foundation which offers help in regard to domestic violence: “Despite our assumptions about domestic violence, rates of abuse in LGBTQ relationships are as high, if not higher than in heterosexual relationships. In fact, it affects bisexual women and transgender people more than any other groups”.

    Were you aware of this information and if you weren’t aware, does it make a difference to you in regard to the topic of your thread?

    I had abusive violent relationships“- would you like to elaborate on this: how many of your relationships with men were abusive and violent, what was the nature of the abuse and violence…?

    anita

    #405746
    anita
    Participant

    I’ll try to clean the post from excess print:

    Dear Madina:

    I’ve always dated men, but I had abusive violent relationships. .. men hurt me… I am scared of men, I am so scared of being hurt or abused again, I don’t feel safe around them…. for me it’s safer to be around women“-

    -it is safer for you to be around women because you are not romantically or sexually involved with them. If you were, you wouldn’t be safe from relationship violence.  Relationship violence is so common in lesbian relationships that there is a whole Wikipedia entry on the topic titled  Domestic violence in lesbian relationships. It reads in part: “The issue of domestic violence among lesbians has become a serious social concern… Some sources state that gay and lesbian couples experience domestic violence at the same frequency as heterosexual couples while other sources state domestic violence among gay, lesbian, and bisexual individuals might be higher than that among heterosexual individuals”.

    From Ananaias Foundation which offers help in regard to domestic violence: “Despite our assumptions about domestic violence, rates of abuse in LGBTQ relationships are as high, if not higher than in heterosexual relationships. In fact, it affects bisexual women and transgender people more than any other groups”.

    Were you aware of this information and if you weren’t aware, does it make a difference to you in regard to the topic of your thread?

    I had abusive violent relationships“- would you like to elaborate on this: how many of your relationships with men were abusive and violent, what was the nature of the abuse and violence…?

    anita

    #405950
    Madina
    Participant

    Anita, I am so thankful for your answer, for this forum that literally saves lives!

    thank you a lot!

    bless you!

    #405951
    Madina
    Participant

    So, I had abusive relationships with my boyfriend. He was physically violent.

    It was the only time a man was very violent.

    but in other relationships I keep sabotaging love. I always ask them to break up with me and provoke them.

    When I was 6, my father left, he had subtance abuse problems. And then he re-married, I was very jealous. And actually jealousy is a big thing in my relationships., the reason that I sabotage them.

    i am scared that the guy will look at other girls, like them. And once I read that if you feel jealous towards same sex people, that meAns that you have homosexual tendencies. And since then my obsessive thinking about my sexuality started.

    I started to ask this question, sometimes it goes away, but then it comes back.

    it came back lately, and I experienced a panic attack at night, I could sleep, I just cried the whole night.

    I fell in love with a guy, but he is in a relationship, another disappointment and I’m just like “maybe  lesbian?” Because  scared of men, I feel tired of them, disappointed and desperate and can’t imagine myself being with them

    #405954
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Madina

    I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with these anxious thoughts about your sexual orientation and that you have had difficulties with abusive relationships.

    You mentioned that you experimented with your sexuality when you were younger. To me this means that perhaps your sexuality has remained similar. Since things are similar, I don’t expect you to suddenly become attracted to your female friends. You would probably have experienced those feelings already.

    There is another possibility… Perhaps you are attracted to both men and women? What do you think?

    It is understandable that you feel reluctant to date men considering the difficulties you have experienced with heterosexual relationships.

    It sounds like you are in a state of high anxiety. During this period it is important to take care of needs that balance emotions. Eating, sleeping (even if you need sleeping pills or supplements) . It is important to self-soothe and do activities that you find relaxing. What are some activities that you find relaxing? I would suggest catching up with your friends or family too.

    I wonder, what kind of traits you value in a partner?

    #405956
    Madina
    Participant

    Thank you a lot for your answer.

    Maybe I am sexually attracted to both sexes.

    but like I don’t want to experiment, maybe fantasize, but not like relationships and building family together.
    even when I had sexual experiments with women while drunk it’s not like I thought about dating them, or have feelings.

     

    but now I feel that maybe I lied to myself for my whole life!

    and because I haven’t had relationships with men for almost 2 years, I’m just getting more and more confused and scared

     

    #405959
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Madina

    When we avoid something fear of it grows because avoiding it reinforces the idea that we were correct to avoid it.

    It sounds like you are very aware of the difficulties you have with relationships and where these difficulties stem from. Working with a therapist may help you move past these issues .

    You don’t have to date, if you don’t want to. It seems like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to figure this out now. From my understanding you are currently not attempting to date? Is this correct? When you feel safer and there is someone that you are interested in, I’m sure that things will become clearer.

    #405960
    Madina
    Participant

    I really want to date, because it’s like I’m used to be in a relationship all the time and because I Can’t date, I can’t find the right person, I get depressed

    #405969
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Madina:

    You are very welcome. As far as thanking me for this forum, I am a member here, like you (although a very active member). I too appreciate tiny buddha and am very thankful to Lori Deschene who owns and runs tiny buddha.

    I read and re-read your posts and I detected nothing to indicate that you ever were lesbian or bi-sexual. What you did in college when drunk does not count as evidence of sexual orientation, nor does you having watched lesbian porn and liking it. What you shared indicates to me that you are a heterosexual woman who suffers from elevated anxiety. It is so common for elevated anxiety to attach itself to the question am I homosexual?  that there is a term for it: hocd, standing for Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder  (ocd is fueled by elevated anxiety).

    I always ask them to break up with me and provoke them. When I was 6, my father left…  And then he re-married, I was very jealous. And actually jealousy is a big thing in my relationships, the reason that I sabotage them. I am scared that the guy will look at other girls, like them” – you must have loved your father very, very much, and when he left, it hurt very, very much. So much that when you start loving a man, you want him to leave before you love him too much.

    I fell in love with a guy, but he is in a relationship, another disappointment and I’m just like ‘maybe  lesbian?’ “- as troubling as your hocd is for you, your brain figured- without consulting with you- that it’s less scary to consider that you are lesbian than it is to become more aware/ more in touch with how much it hurt the little girl that you were to lose her father, and worse, to lose him to another family. So your brain does the less scary thing.

    The result: on one hand you need and want love with a man, and on the other hand, you are scared that love will hurt you by leaving you. Did your father have children when he remarried, and if he did, how did you feel about it?

    anita

    #405973
    Madina
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thank you for you time and your reply, it kind of starting to get more clear in my mind what is happening with me.

    it is true that I am terrified to love someone too much, the last time I had big and huge love, the guy used to be physically violent, but I kept loving him and couldn’t leave and break up.

    my father remarried for 2 times, but I am the only child.

    and yes, I loved my father a lot. He actually used to take care of me and spend time with me more than my mom. I admired my father, he is a great man!
    but yes, I remember the first time I saw him kissing his wife, I was destroyed, I felt so broken.

    And today I have good relationships with my dad, but I am scared to tell him that I love him, I miss him, I don’t talk about feelings with him, very distant and formal talks.

    #405974
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Madina:

    “I am terrified to love someone too much, the last time I had big and huge love, the guy used to be physically violent, but I kept loving him and couldn’t leave and break up”- I guess this means that the next time you start loving someone, you’ll make sure that he is not violent before you get in too deep.

    I remember the first time I saw him kissing his wife, I was destroyed, I felt so broken“- this reminds me of the one time I saw my mother (who was divorced from my father) hug a man, the only man she was involved with after her divorce. I  was a child, don’t remember my age, but I cried loudly, out of control, wouldn’t calm down, hysterical.  I never quite understood why. Maybe you can help me understand because you described something similar..?

    anita

    #405975
    Madina
    Participant

    Again, thank you for your answer!

    The feeling that I felt is that this love belongs to me and it has been taken away. I just remember jealousy, low self esteem, fear and anxiety and being betrayed something like that.

     

     

    #405976
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Madina:

    You are very welcome. “love.. been taken away“- this wording speaks to me. “love belongs to me” speaks to me as well. It is amazing how scared we get, as children, when love is taken away, maybe as much as if we were very, very hungry and food was taken away from us.

    I am suspecting that I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did if I was sure of my mother’s love for me before the incident. I was probably in doubt of her love, or already scared that she didn’t love me enough, and seeing her hug that man pushed my fear over the edge. What do you think… in regard to your situation?

    anita

    #406143
    Madina
    Participant

    I agree with you! Maybe I wasn’t sure that my dad loved me. Actually, I always feel that uncertain feeling in all my relationships, that’s why I try to avoid them, even friendships.

    I don’t know what happened to me for last 2 years, I just don’t see myself having relationship with a man, I avoid sexual relationships, I feel fine without it.

    the thing is that I’ve always dreamed about love and relatiobships and now it’s just gone.

    maybe I am just tired looking for the one

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 18 total)

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