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Questioning my sexuality

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 35 total)
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  • #406153
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Madina:

    I’ve always dreamed about love and relationships“- I used to day dream a whole lot, when I was a teenager, maybe when I was in my early 20s as well. Mostly, I day dreamed about a love story, a love story happening to me. I remember lying down comfortably after school, listening to music and imagining so much happening, so much love and excitement (none happened in real-life). I experienced a lot of joy during those imaginings.

    More than a decade later, still alone and lonely, I finally gave up on the idea that anything like what I imagined (or anything remotely close to it) was going to happen for me. A few years after giving up, I finally had my love story. Of course, it wasn’t and couldn’t be like what I imagined (it is so easy to imagine anything and everything, including impossible things… like flying across the sky like a bird).

    I just don’t see myself having relationship with a man..  I feel fine without it“- I submitted a post to another member 30 minutes ago about Radical Acceptance and how this attitude can help. If you radically give up (give up completely, all the way) on your desire to have a loving relationship, it is more likely to happen. The reason: when you give up on a desire, you free yourself from excess stress and anxiety and in doing so, you avail yourself to emotional resources you didn’t know that you had.

    I hope that you will let me know if this is making sense to you, so that we can talk about it further.

    anita

    #406173
    Madina
    Participant

    Anita, thank you so much for your reply, you have been very helpful!

    yes, radical acceptance makes sense!
    Because, as I said, I have been panicking about my sexuality and at some point I just gave up and said to the Universe “ok!!!”😂

    probably should try to do the same with relationships

     

    thank you a lot!

    #406177
    anita
    Participant

    You are very welcome, Madina. Post again whenever you want to get my input on anything.

    anita

    #409282
    Madina
    Participant

    Hello, Anita!

    I just wanted to share

    I started a relationship with a guy, who is amazing, caring and loving. I am attracted to physically and emotionally.

    and it’s like we are having normal relationships.

    and recently we had sex and like there is no chemistry. I didn’t feel it.

    And all these OCD thoughts came back.

    I think that I can’t be with a man, I don’t want to have sex. I can’t have a normal relationships, because I am used to violent and abusive relationships.

    And I just keep crying, what is wrong with me?

    Why can’t I just have sex?
    And now I think that might be a sign I should start dating women, because I just fail with men.

     

    #409285
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Madina:

    I will read and reply in about 9 hours from now.

    anita

    #409301
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Madina:

    Good to read back from you two months and 2 days after you last posted, although I wish you were feeling better. First, congrats for starting a relationship with a man who is “amazing, caring and loving“!

    Now, let’s look at your update: “I am attracted to (him) physically… recently we had sex and like there is no chemistry. I didn’t feel it“- first, you felt physically attracted to him, then, within the circumstance of having sex with him, your fear went up and your physical attraction for him disappeared. This is quite natural: think of animals in the wild, like deer, being busy eating, mating, resting, whatever they do…  the moment they hear a possible predator approaching, they feel intense fear, get tense, and gone is their feeling of hunger (they immediately stop eating, I’ve witnessed this), gone is their sexual drive (they immediately stop mating… I imagine, didn’t witness this in person). All they do is freeze and look for a  predator. Same with humans: when there is significant fear, we freeze and gone is hunger and sexual drive.

    Let’s look for evidence of your fear in your original Aug 18 post: “it scares me a lot!.. I get panic attacks about that… I am scared of men, I am so scared of being hurt or abused again”- there’s the fear.

    Back to your update: “And all these OCD thoughts came back. I think that I can’t be with a man… I think that might be a sign I should start dating women“- and here is the panicking and overthinking and jumping to conclusions.

    what is wrong with me?“- your fear went up, your sexual drive disappeared, that’s all, is what I figure.

    anita

     

    #409403
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Madina?

    anita

    #409409
    Madina
    Participant

    Anita, thanks a lot!

    I understand that it’s not just about relationship, but in all my life I always question my identity, like who am I, what do I want, what if I am not the person that I Am right not, and these questions that I ask myself all the time and keep feeling this fear!

    and it’s not about sex and relationships, sometimes I just feel like I don’t know who I want to be, how do I want to look like?

    For example I look at women with short hair and I am like “maybe this is what I want?”

    And this fear and pressure that I feel all the time inside!

    yesterday I watched a video about polyamorous couple and I am like “maybe this is who I am?”

     

    do you understand what I am saying?

     

    thanks!!!

    #409418
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Madina:

    I had abusive violent relationships…in other relationships I keep sabotaging love. I always ask them to break up with me and provoke them… I always feel that uncertain feeling in all my relationships, that’s why I try to avoid them, even friendships…  I can’t have normal relationships, because I am used to violent and abusive relationships… in all my life I always question my identity, like who am I, what do I want, what if I am not the person that I Am…  And this fear and pressure that I feel all the time inside!… do you understand what I am saying?“-

    -yes I do. Actually, I relate to all of what I quoted above. I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder  11 years ago, but I know that the diagnosis applied to me since I was 20 or so (I no longer fit the diagnosis).

    Wikipedia: Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), <sup id=”cite_ref-NICEGuidelines20092_11-0″ class=”reference”></sup> is a personality disorder characterized by a long-term pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships, distorted sense of self, and strong emotional reactions… To be diagnosed, a person must meet at least five of the following: * <sup id=”cite_ref-:12_20-0″ class=”reference”></sup>Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment * Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships… * Markedly disturbed sense of identity and distorted self-image… People with BPD tend to have trouble seeing their identity clearly. In particular, they tend to have difficulty knowing what they value, believe, prefer, and enjoy.<sup id=”cite_ref-Manning_23_49-0″ class=”reference”></sup> They are often unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs. This can cause people with BPD to feel ’empty’ and “lost”. <sup id=”cite_ref-Manning_23_49-1″ class=”reference”></sup>Self-image can also change rapidly from healthy to unhealthy. People with BPD may base their identity on others, leading to chameleon-like changes in identity”-

    – do you relate?

    anita

    #409419
    anita
    Participant

    Reposted:

    Dear Madina:

    I had abusive violent relationships…in other relationships I keep sabotaging love. I always ask them to break up with me and provoke them… I always feel that uncertain feeling in all my relationships, that’s why I try to avoid them, even friendships…  I can’t have normal relationships, because I am used to violent and abusive relationships… in all my life I always question my identity, like who am I, what do I want, what if I am not the person that I Am…  And this fear and pressure that I feel all the time inside!… do you understand what I am saying?“-

    -yes I do. Actually, I relate to all of what I quoted above. I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder  11 years ago, but I know that the diagnosis applied to me since I was 20 or so (I no longer fit the diagnosis).

    WikipediaBorderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), is a personality disorder characterized by a long-term pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships, distorted sense of self, and strong emotional reactions… To be diagnosed, a person must meet at least five of the following: * Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment * Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships… * Markedly disturbed sense of identity and distorted self-image… People with BPD tend to have trouble seeing their identity clearly. In particular, they tend to have difficulty knowing what they value, believe, prefer, and enjoy. They are often unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs. This can cause people with BPD to feel ’empty’ and ‘lost’. Self-image can also change rapidly from healthy to unhealthy. People with BPD may base their identity on others, leading to chameleon-like changes in identity”-

    – do you relate?

    anita

    #409421
    Madina
    Participant

    I was diagnosed with BPD, I am  recovering addict.
    I am very blessed for clean life, for what I have! I consider myself a happy and a lucky person!

    but when this thoughts pop out, I feel powerless, lost and confused.

    this forum actually was soooo helpful!

    I am so grateful for your answers and your time!

     

    bless you!❤️❤️❤️

    #409422
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Madina:

    You are welcome and thank you for the hearts and the blessing. Congrats for having a clean life! Well, we have a lot in common: I was diagnosed with BPD (and with OCD), no longer fitting either diagnosis. The two diagnoses/ symptomology  go together like peas and carrots, feeding each other. Post again anytime, Madina, any topic.

    anita

    #409455
    Madina
    Participant

    Dear Anita, why did your BPD symptoms went away?

    I mean it just happened?

    I have a great hope that mine will go away some day

    #409477
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Madina:

    why did your BPD symptoms went away?“- because I attended quality psychotherapy for about 2.5 years (2011-13) where my therapist diagnosed me with BPD and based on this diagnosis designed a treatment plan for me that combined Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) which is tailored specifically for this diagnosis, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Mindfulness. and because following therapy, I continued to work on my healing: much of the work is still done here, in these forums where I participate daily since May 2015.

    My therapist used to give me homework almost every session which included listening to mindful guided meditations (by Mark Williams, an authority on Mindfulness from Oxford University, available to download for free), as well as reading and writing assignments. I am therefore used to work on healing outside sessions with a therapist.

    I mean it just happened? I have a great hope that mine will go away some day“- no, it didn’t just happen. I don’t think it just happens for anyone.  (that would have been dreamy… wouldn’t it?)

    anita

    #412652
    Madina
    Participant

    Dear Anita!

    It has been quite a long time since I wrote here.

    I have a question: I am practicing meditation, but I catch myself that I can’t relax and let go of thoughts. Once I heard that answers come in meditation and I am so scared again I think that my inner voice will say that I’m a lesbian and I should leave my boyfriend. That’s why I can’t fully commit in meditation.

    this thought just chases me and won’t go away.

    last time I was like “ok, God, I am lesbian whatever” I surrendered, but it still comes back.

    I keep pushing myself to talk to my girl friends and not be scared that I will be aroused, but still I check myself all the time.

    like what the hell is this? I can’t relax, enjoy my relationships.

    last night I had I childhood memory, when my mom told me that one day I will get married and have a husband.

    that just terrified me! I was scared to be with some unknown man!

    I told my mom that I will marry her, and never leave.

     

    I mean what’s is wrong with me! Little girls dream of family, wedding, husband,

    but I am terrified! But i want relationships without sabotaging them. Like I want to experience normal love. But I am just to tired to fix myself and check myself all the time.

     

     

    Thank you a lot!

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 35 total)

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