Dear Madina:

Welcome back to your thread, and you are welcome! “I can’t relax, enjoy my relationships. Last night I had I childhood memory, when my mom told me that one day I will get married and have a husband. That just terrified me! I was scared to be with some unknown man! I told my mom that I will marry her, and never leave“.

More than 4 months ago, on Aug 19, you shared: “I keep sabotaging love. I always ask them to break up with me and provoke them. When I was 6, my father left… He actually used to take care of me and spend time with me more than my mom… I remember the first time I saw him kissing his wife, I was destroyed, I felt so broken…I felt is that this love belongs to me and it has been taken away“.

Putting the two pieces of information together, it looks to me that you grew up with Separation Anxiety: an ongoing fear of being left ALONE with no parent to take care of you. And that this separation anxiety evolved or devolved into a Sexual Orientation Anxiety. Are you aware of experiencing separation anxiety as a child?

anita

Dear Madina:

You are welcome! So, you are aware that your issue is one of excess anxiety. About separation anxiety disorder, not only children are diagnosed with this disorder but also adults (separation anxiety disorder in adults). It is treated with psychotherapy, sometimes along with medications. What kind of psychotherapy did you receive so far in life?

anita

Dear Madina;

Quality psychotherapy can do wonders for you: it can make a huge difference in your life!

anita

Dear Madina

How are you?

I have just read thru this thread & I apologise in advance if I don’t talk about your post sequentially.

Instead of thinking of fixing yourself think that you are nourishing, nurturing & befriending yourself.

Part of meditating is seeing your thoughts for what they really are – thoughts – this is not dismissing them or the power that they can hold over us. I have also noticed that when in deep meditation I am ageless and without gender or sexual orientation.

I remember a conversation I had with a woman I worked with she said she had always been in hetrosexual relationships but when she met her spouse ( a female) it was the person not the gender that she fell in love with.

I hope that you can access therapy that helps you address the issues that surround your childhood and maybe the other stuff around your orientation will fall easier into place.

Roberta