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Madina

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
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  • #412691
    Madina
    Participant

    I haven’t received any therapy so far😂😃😃

    #412664
    Madina
    Participant

    Thank you for you answer!

     

    yes, I am aware of that! And the picture is actually getting more clear.

    I keep asking my boyfriend to break up with me all the time! I say it like mantra, that we should break up and he has to find someone else better!
    he just doesn’t understand why, but I keep mumbling same words again and again😂

     

     

    #412652
    Madina
    Participant

    Dear Anita!

    It has been quite a long time since I wrote here.

    I have a question: I am practicing meditation, but I catch myself that I can’t relax and let go of thoughts. Once I heard that answers come in meditation and I am so scared again I think that my inner voice will say that I’m a lesbian and I should leave my boyfriend. That’s why I can’t fully commit in meditation.

    this thought just chases me and won’t go away.

    last time I was like “ok, God, I am lesbian whatever” I surrendered, but it still comes back.

    I keep pushing myself to talk to my girl friends and not be scared that I will be aroused, but still I check myself all the time.

    like what the hell is this? I can’t relax, enjoy my relationships.

    last night I had I childhood memory, when my mom told me that one day I will get married and have a husband.

    that just terrified me! I was scared to be with some unknown man!

    I told my mom that I will marry her, and never leave.

     

    I mean what’s is wrong with me! Little girls dream of family, wedding, husband,

    but I am terrified! But i want relationships without sabotaging them. Like I want to experience normal love. But I am just to tired to fix myself and check myself all the time.

     

     

    Thank you a lot!

    #409455
    Madina
    Participant

    Dear Anita, why did your BPD symptoms went away?

    I mean it just happened?

    I have a great hope that mine will go away some day

    #409421
    Madina
    Participant

    I was diagnosed with BPD, I am  recovering addict.
    I am very blessed for clean life, for what I have! I consider myself a happy and a lucky person!

    but when this thoughts pop out, I feel powerless, lost and confused.

    this forum actually was soooo helpful!

    I am so grateful for your answers and your time!

     

    bless you!❤️❤️❤️

    #409409
    Madina
    Participant

    Anita, thanks a lot!

    I understand that it’s not just about relationship, but in all my life I always question my identity, like who am I, what do I want, what if I am not the person that I Am right not, and these questions that I ask myself all the time and keep feeling this fear!

    and it’s not about sex and relationships, sometimes I just feel like I don’t know who I want to be, how do I want to look like?

    For example I look at women with short hair and I am like “maybe this is what I want?”

    And this fear and pressure that I feel all the time inside!

    yesterday I watched a video about polyamorous couple and I am like “maybe this is who I am?”

     

    do you understand what I am saying?

     

    thanks!!!

    #409282
    Madina
    Participant

    Hello, Anita!

    I just wanted to share

    I started a relationship with a guy, who is amazing, caring and loving. I am attracted to physically and emotionally.

    and it’s like we are having normal relationships.

    and recently we had sex and like there is no chemistry. I didn’t feel it.

    And all these OCD thoughts came back.

    I think that I can’t be with a man, I don’t want to have sex. I can’t have a normal relationships, because I am used to violent and abusive relationships.

    And I just keep crying, what is wrong with me?

    Why can’t I just have sex?
    And now I think that might be a sign I should start dating women, because I just fail with men.

     

    #406173
    Madina
    Participant

    Anita, thank you so much for your reply, you have been very helpful!

    yes, radical acceptance makes sense!
    Because, as I said, I have been panicking about my sexuality and at some point I just gave up and said to the Universe “ok!!!”😂

    probably should try to do the same with relationships

     

    thank you a lot!

    #406143
    Madina
    Participant

    I agree with you! Maybe I wasn’t sure that my dad loved me. Actually, I always feel that uncertain feeling in all my relationships, that’s why I try to avoid them, even friendships.

    I don’t know what happened to me for last 2 years, I just don’t see myself having relationship with a man, I avoid sexual relationships, I feel fine without it.

    the thing is that I’ve always dreamed about love and relatiobships and now it’s just gone.

    maybe I am just tired looking for the one

    #405975
    Madina
    Participant

    Again, thank you for your answer!

    The feeling that I felt is that this love belongs to me and it has been taken away. I just remember jealousy, low self esteem, fear and anxiety and being betrayed something like that.

     

     

    #405973
    Madina
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thank you for you time and your reply, it kind of starting to get more clear in my mind what is happening with me.

    it is true that I am terrified to love someone too much, the last time I had big and huge love, the guy used to be physically violent, but I kept loving him and couldn’t leave and break up.

    my father remarried for 2 times, but I am the only child.

    and yes, I loved my father a lot. He actually used to take care of me and spend time with me more than my mom. I admired my father, he is a great man!
    but yes, I remember the first time I saw him kissing his wife, I was destroyed, I felt so broken.

    And today I have good relationships with my dad, but I am scared to tell him that I love him, I miss him, I don’t talk about feelings with him, very distant and formal talks.

    #405960
    Madina
    Participant

    I really want to date, because it’s like I’m used to be in a relationship all the time and because I Can’t date, I can’t find the right person, I get depressed

    #405956
    Madina
    Participant

    Thank you a lot for your answer.

    Maybe I am sexually attracted to both sexes.

    but like I don’t want to experiment, maybe fantasize, but not like relationships and building family together.
    even when I had sexual experiments with women while drunk it’s not like I thought about dating them, or have feelings.

     

    but now I feel that maybe I lied to myself for my whole life!

    and because I haven’t had relationships with men for almost 2 years, I’m just getting more and more confused and scared

     

    #405951
    Madina
    Participant

    So, I had abusive relationships with my boyfriend. He was physically violent.

    It was the only time a man was very violent.

    but in other relationships I keep sabotaging love. I always ask them to break up with me and provoke them.

    When I was 6, my father left, he had subtance abuse problems. And then he re-married, I was very jealous. And actually jealousy is a big thing in my relationships., the reason that I sabotage them.

    i am scared that the guy will look at other girls, like them. And once I read that if you feel jealous towards same sex people, that meAns that you have homosexual tendencies. And since then my obsessive thinking about my sexuality started.

    I started to ask this question, sometimes it goes away, but then it comes back.

    it came back lately, and I experienced a panic attack at night, I could sleep, I just cried the whole night.

    I fell in love with a guy, but he is in a relationship, another disappointment and I’m just like “maybe  lesbian?” Because  scared of men, I feel tired of them, disappointed and desperate and can’t imagine myself being with them

    #405950
    Madina
    Participant

    Anita, I am so thankful for your answer, for this forum that literally saves lives!

    thank you a lot!

    bless you!

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)