Dear Anita, thank you for you time and your reply, it kind of starting to get more clear in my mind what is happening with me.

it is true that I am terrified to love someone too much, the last time I had big and huge love, the guy used to be physically violent, but I kept loving him and couldn’t leave and break up.

my father remarried for 2 times, but I am the only child.

and yes, I loved my father a lot. He actually used to take care of me and spend time with me more than my mom. I admired my father, he is a great man!
but yes, I remember the first time I saw him kissing his wife, I was destroyed, I felt so broken.

And today I have good relationships with my dad, but I am scared to tell him that I love him, I miss him, I don’t talk about feelings with him, very distant and formal talks.