Dear Stargazer17,

The transgression you’ve made – kissing a boy while under the influence of alcohol and drugs – isn’t such an unforgivable mistake. It happens sometimes that we are attracted to someone other than our partner, which isn’t a sin – it is allowed to feel attraction. The question is what we do with it. Your mistake was that you were drunk and as other posters said, it lowered your inhibitions, and you lost control over your impulses. If you hadn’t been drunk, it wouldn’t have happened.

Luckily, what happened was just a kiss and nothing more. You say that it actually cemented your commitment towards your boyfriend because you’ve realized that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. If that’s really true, then it actually served a purpose, it helped you see things more clearly. And since it didn’t harm anybody, you can file it as a very stupid thing – equally stupid as getting drunk and high and losing control of yourself – which you will make sure not to happen again.

However, if you aren’t able to see it as a stupid mistake which happened due to alcohol and drugs, and if you keep blaming and hating yourself, saying “I hate myself for this and I probably will forever” and “I really feel like I’ve ruined my life”, then there is more to unpack here.

Such a strong feeling of guilt and dread over a relatively minor transgression tells me that you are in the habit of feeling guilty, and as you’ve discussed it with anita and Helcat, it most probably has to do with your childhood. Maybe you were blamed a lot, or even if you weren’t openly blamed, you might have felt it was your responsibility if things in your family didn’t work out? So there might be a false belief somewhere working in you, telling you “I am to blame”, “It’s all my fault”.

You did mention that you weren’t close to your mother: “I’ve not got a close/good relationship with her and never have gone to her for help or advice”. The reason for this could be that she was judgmental and you often felt guilty for not meeting her expectations? You didn’t dare to confide in her because she would judge you? I am not claiming it was so, just mentioning it as a possibility.

You also said: She loves my boyfriend a lot so I think she would be really disappointed in me and almost think how could you.

There could be an expectation that you should stay with your boyfriend, even if there might be a part of you that is unsure about it.

If you have lived your life trying to please your mother (or both of your parents), being a “good girl”, then you might not even know what you really want. This might have led you to go out and explore your “wild side” in that kissing incident. If we suppress and control ourselves too much, we end up bursting at the seams sometimes, and doing inappropriate things.

OK, these are all speculations, I don’t know if any of this is true for you, but if it feels it resonates, we can talk some more.