fbpx
Menu

Please help me, I deserve to be judged

HomeForumsRelationshipsPlease help me, I deserve to be judged

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 30 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #406106
    Stargazer17
    Participant

    So I’ll start off with some details. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years, from 16 years old to now 24. I have been with 2 guys and kissed 4 (him being one) and he has had a lot of experience before me and has slept with quite a few people. We’ve had our ups and downs like any couple. I’ve always known I want to be with him forever but I’ve struggled knowing I’ve not experienced much in terms of being single, although it wasn’t worth ending the relationship over because I’m in love with him. To be honest the last while I’ve thought  to myself is this really what I want, do I want to be with him forever. I think it’s just that he is 27 and his friends are getting engaged and having children and I think I am just scared.

    Anyway, my issue is I’ve just gone on my first ever girls holiday with my friends. 5 close friends who I truly love and I know they have my back. It was not what I expected and we were out drinking every night. One of the days we went to a festival and we all took drugs (not an excuse at all). I kissed someone. Twice. The same person. I don’t know what to do and I am seriously feeling so low and depressed about this purely because I have betrayed someone who loves me. I have never ever even came close to cheating on my boyfriend before, ever. I love him with all of my heart. I fucked up and fucked up BADLY. I met this guy in a club and I was extremely drunk and we kissed. Also add loads of flirting and whatever else. I had his number on my phone and the next day on my girls holiday we all got really drunk again and we (all my friends) asked him to meet us to show us where to go (he’s Portuguese) but I told him in text we are just friends and that cannot happen again as I love my boyfriend. It did happen again. What do I do? Do I tell my boyfriend I kissed someone and risk losing my 8 year relationship, house, dog, life? Or do I just try and move on from this and make sure to NEVER do anything like that again. I’m giving up drinking alcohol to make sure I’m never in that position again.

    This is irrelevant and not an excuse but I think this could be WHY I did it?- I was under the influence, I’m going through a shit time at home with my parents divorcing, just received a mental health diagnosis and I think I just went on this girls holiday and let out years of pent up anger/emotion out and acted bloody feral!! The first person who told me he thought I was beautiful I jumped on. Which is completely awful and I’m so disgusted in myself. I do really mean it when I say I hate myself for this and I probably will forever.

    Just any advice on this would be really helpful, I just feel so lost and I have no one to speak to about it. Thank you for reading this x

    #406108
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stargazer17:

    I think that it can be very helpful for you to read two recent threads: Feeling Guilt & Shame (page 3 of lists of topics) and what’s the right choice? (page 1). Please let me know what parts of these two threads have been helpful to you and why, and I will be glad to communicate with you further.

    anita

    #406110
    Stargazer17
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply. I’ve just had a read through those threads.

    I am so in love with my partner and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I truly do. I can imagine someone reading me saying that would be horrified as you don’t behave the way I have when you are in love with someone. But I am.

    I KNOW I would never and have never in 8 years come close to cheating on my boyfriend, sober or drunk at home. When this incident happened I was very drunk and I don’t actually remember everything leading up to it. (I know it was just a kiss and nothing more). Moving forward I have decided I no longer want to drink alcohol, I never want to be in that position again. Also the fact that I will never go on a “girls holiday” again, I feel like that was a first and last get it out of my system type of thing. I want to work on myself as a person and be the best partner I can be.

    As for telling my partner, I am still unsure. The guilt and shame and hatred is killing me but I almost feel like if I did tell him it would just be off loading my guilt and hurt onto him. I don’t think he would leave me, which is why I think I shouldn’t mention it. Because he will live with that pain. What do you think? I welcome any advice at all as I am just trying to know what’s best.

    I’ve learnt through this that the grass is definitely NOT greener. I’ve been with this man since I was 16 years old and he loves me. We’ve both made mistakes in our relationship, he was inappropriate to a girl around 4 years ago but I got over it and put it down to the fact we were both really young. Anyway I’m rambling about nonsense now.

    #406113
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Stargazer!

    Have you spoken to your partner about the concerns you shared about marriage, children and your lack of experience? Have you told him that you are scared?

    I think the thing with alcohol is that it tends to reduce boundaries and inhibitions, but not get rid of them completely. There is a reason you kissed and nothing more. I don’t think what happened meant something with the individual, but within the context of your relationship it tells me that there is something going on that needs to be discussed.

    It’s also concerning that you have been with this partner since you were 16. Depending on the country and when you were sexually active, in some countries it would be considered statutory rape. Myself, I was not really ready for sexual activity even at 18.

    #406114
    Helcat
    Participant

    Can you also clarify what you mean when you say that your partner was inappropriate with a girl 4 years ago?

    #406115
    Stargazer17
    Participant

    Thank you very much helcat for your reply.

    I haven’t spoke to him about my concerns/worries about marriage yet. My parents are going through a horrible divorce and the thought of ever getting married and going through that fills me with dread. That’s my issue though which I need to deal with.

    I do agree with you when you say there is obviously an issue. I think there is a lot I need to speak to him about and probably vice versa. Although I really can’t see or I don’t want to see myself with anyone but him as a life partner. I am just ashamed it’s taken me to do this to realise that? 

    I’m from the UK and 16 is the legal age. To be honest where I’m from it’s very normal to be sexually active at 16, most if not all of my friends were 16 when they became sexual active.

     

    Around 4-5 years ago he was flirting and made comments to a girl at a friends house party. Sexual remarks. He was ill for weeks over it and I got over it very quickly. He has been honestly the most supportive and loving partner to me the last 5 years.

    #406123
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stargazer17:

    You are welcome. There will be two parts to this post. The first part is my understanding about what happened and how you feel about it. Please read patiently, over time, and correct me if and where I misunderstand:

    You have an ongoing emotional ache in regard to an incident where you almost cheated (ache) on your boyfriend. You feel a lot of guilt and shame. You love your boyfriend very much and the ache is weighing very heavily on your heart. You feel like  you made un unforgivable mistake, that you are a terrible person for having made it, that you irreparably broke the relationship with your boyfriend, and that you are not worthy of him. You figure that because the ache was a one-time-event that will never repeat itself, telling your boyfriend about it will do nothing but hurt his feelings and cause him to see you in a way he didn’t see you before. On the other hand, not telling him, you feel that you are defrauding the relationship, and you therefore feel shame, guilt and anxiety  over not telling him.

    At times you feel better but the stabbing pain of guilt keeps returning, and with it, the shame and heightened stress. You feel that if you forgive yourself, you will be letting yourself off the hook:  you feel like a criminal who needs to be punished for her crime. Your boyfriend can’t punish you because he doesn’t know about your crime, so you punish yourself on his behalf by suffering emotionally. You think that maybe your brain will not let you rest until you tell him absolutely everything.

    The second part of this post is all about what you shared in this thread and my understanding of it, and again, please correct me where I misunderstand: (1)”I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years, from 16 years old to now 24. I have been with 2 guys…  I’ve not experienced much in terms of being single… To be honest the last while I’ve thought  to myself: is this really what I want, do I want to be with him forever“-

    – One factor in the ache is that for a while before the ache, you were wondering if the grass is greener on the other side, wondering if in settling for your boyfriend, you were settling for less.

    (2) “My parents are going through a horrible divorce and the thought of ever getting married and going through that fills me with dread“-

    – Another factor in the ache is that for a while before the ache, you dreaded ending up getting married, then getting stuck in a bad marriage like your parents’ and ending up going through a horrible divorce.

    (3) “WHY I did it (the ache)?- I was under the influence, I’m going through a shit time at home with my parents divorcing, just received a mental health diagnosis and I think I just went on this girls holiday and let out years of pent up anger/emotion out and acted bloody feral!!… I do really mean it when I say I hate myself for this and I probably will forever”-

    – in objective terms, the ache was a small matter, but subjectively it is a huge matter because all of that pent up anger and emotion exploded into the surface when the ache took place, making the ache … a bloody mess. I think that for a long, long time, you’ve been carrying a lot of anger and emotion in regard to your parents’ marriage and divorce (and perhaps other things happening at home) while you did your best to appear and behave as perfectly as you could,  pretending- to the best of your ability- that all was well, and acting perhaps like… a kitten.  It took this recent small imperfection/ small mistake (the ache) to burst your bubble of perfection and optimism, and the kitten is feeling like a.. bloody feral.

    When a kitten is a kitten who thinks that she is a bloody feral, she imagines that she is very powerful and has the power to destroy others. She thinks that no mistake is a small mistake, and any mistake can cause irreparable damage. She is trying to control her perceived uncontrollable power by keeping it down by placing a heavy weight of shame and guilt on top of it.

    I will add another post later.

    P.S. :”just received a mental health diagnosis“- can you tell me what it is?

    anita

     

    #406124
    Stargazer17
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thank you so much again for your reply.

    I’m in tears reading your response because I feel like you’ve described exactly how I feel and I don’t think I would’ve been able to put it into words like you have.

    I’ve been seeing a therapist weekly for around a year that has helped me tremendously. I have come so far and I’ve improved my self awareness dramatically. Funnily enough, before my holiday I told my therapist when I get back I want to try and stay sober for the rest of the year to really work on myself. I cancelled my appointment last week with her because I was too ashamed to tell her what I had done.

    Every time I think of a reason this could’ve happened I just think get a grip and suffer the consequences. I really feel like I’ve ruined my life as dramatic as it sounds.

     

    I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder.

    #406125
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stargaz317:

    You are welcome. Seems to me that it is very important that you make an appointment with your therapist and talk to her about what happened.

    I’ve been seeing a therapist weekly for around a year that has helped me tremendously. I have come so far and I’ve improved my self -awareness dramatically… I cancelled my appointment last week with her because I was too ashamed to tell her what I had done“-

    – Your therapist thought highly of you (thinking that you improved a lot and that you are self-aware) , and you were afraid that if you told her about the ache, she will not think highly of you anymore, that you will lose her esteem and appreciation of you, right?

    Just like you hide things from your mother, things you believe will make her think less of you… and just like you don’t want your boyfriend to think less of you if he knew about the ache?

    anita

    #406126
    Stargazer17
    Participant

    Yes, exactly all of that. Part of me thinks I shouldn’t tell my therapist and just try and forget this ever happened. I don’t know what’s best to do moving forward

    #406127
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stargaze17:

    No doubt in my mind that the best thing for you to do is to make an appointment with your therapist, who you say helped you tremendously for a year. But you’ll have to face some of your fear of making the appointment before you actually make it.  Let’s say, that you tell your therapist about the ache, and she reacts like your mother would in a similar circumstance, what would your therapist say or do when you tell her, what would her face look like, the way she looks at you…?

    anita

    #406128
    Stargazer17
    Participant

    You’re right. I will do that. I’m due to see her next Friday so I will think about how I will tell her. I know she isn’t there to judge me but deep down I think in my head she will.

    When I think of that I think of it going one or two ways, especially with my mother. I’ve not got a close/good relationship with her and never have gone to her for help or advice. She loves my boyfriend a lot so I think she would be really disappointed in me and almost think how could you. Although the other half of me knows she’s had issues with her marriage over the years (I don’t know anything in great detail) so she would maybe say it was a mistake that’s never happened before and will never happen again and to forgive myself. I don’t know

    #406129
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stargaze17:

    I sure hope that you will see your therapist next Friday.

    In my case, I remember my mother giving me the evil eye, so to speak, when I made mistakes (or when she thought I  made mistakes), looking at me with this evilness in her face. Decades later, I used to have dreams where I saw her angry face looking at me in that way. In the dream, she said nothing, the look was condemning, or scary enough. Any such thing in your case?

    anita

    #406130
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stargaze17:

    I will soon be out for my walk and following, I will be gone for a few hours. I wanted to add something I copied from Wikipedia for you, about guilt: “Guilt is an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something that one believes one should not have done (or conversely, having not done something one believes one should have done). It gives rise to a feeling which does not go away easily… Alice Miller (a psychologist and author) claims that ‘many people suffer all their lives from this oppressive feeling of guiltno argument can overcome these guilt feelings, for they have their beginnings in life’s earliest period, and from that they derive their intensity”-

    -This quote makes me think of my lifetime guilt in regard to my mother and it makes me think of your guilt because the intensity of yours reminds me of mine. Not all disapproving, judgmental mothers express their disapproval in the very same ways: some express it by physically abusing the child, others express it by verbally abuse the child, yet others say nothing and do nothing… but express their disapproval and judgment in their facial expressions, in that condemning, accusing way they look at you, a way that is as powerful as words and actions.  Sometimes mothers are insincere: they say things that sound nice and loving but their facial expressions and behaviors don’t fit their words.

    Alice Miller also wrote: “The aim of therapy is not to correct the past, but to enable the patient to confront his own history, and to grieve over it“- I had to grieve (and still do a bit of it once in a while) the sad fact that my mother disapproved of me and didn’t like me. There is nothing I can do to change that  she just doesn’t like me, but I don’t have to follow her lead and dislike myself… !

    anita

    #406141
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Stargazer

    It is reassuring that you are from a country where the age difference at the start of rt your relationship was legal. I’m glad to hear that your partner didn’t cheat on you, that the difficulty was minor and that he has been a great partner since.

    So these feelings you had previously doubting the relationship were linked to your parents divorce? Can you tell me more about how your parents divorce is affecting you?

    It might be important to discuss the impact of the divorce with your partner as well as everything else so that your partner can support you.

    Can I ask, is there a reason for why you haven’t yet communicated all of these things with your partner?

    It’s entirely possible that similarly to how you responded, your partner would quickly get over this incident of flirting with and kissing a stranger on holiday.

    I think that people have done far worse things in relationships. It’s good that there has been a positive outcome in that it has rid you of doubts about your partner.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 30 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.