Dear Quala:

I will respond to your recent post, but first, I will re-read what you shared so far on the first page of your thread and comment as I go along (it helps me understand better when I do that):

“his dad made fun of my appearance with my big eyes and thinness“- when I first read this, it made me wonder: the image of big eyes and thinness looks good to me (in my mind’s eye), so, I was wondering what’s to make fun about that?

Of course. there is no good reason to make fun of anyone for the way they look: be it for having big eyes or small eyes, being thin or overweight, short or tall, etc.

“My family is a shy type and not good at socializing“- being shy and not good at socializing is not something someone is born with (it is not genetic). Babies are born not shy at all, and very social (reaching out for contact with the mother). Because of events through childhood, or because of what a child is taught, the child becomes shy and withdraws from other people.

If you consider yourself shy and not good at socializing, and you want to change it to any extent- you can, a bit at a time, through learning and practice.

“My father doesn’t like my boyfriend’s father because he believes that he is arrogant“- maybe your boyfriend’s father is arrogant, but maybe he appears arrogant to your father because he is not shy. Shy people (like your father)  often envy other people who… dare to do the things they don’t dare to do, like to talk freely, to laugh loudly, to take charge of a situation, etc.

Maybe you think that if you are not shy, it means that you are arrogant… Maybe you too envy people who are not shy… (?)

“I’m ashamed of my appearance and our tiny house“- Imagine no longer feeling shame over your appearance or your tiny house. It is possible. Can you imagine it?

“I don’t understand if my boyfriend’s parents really like me“- and imagine that you really like yourself so much that.. it doesn’t matter that much if his parents really like you.

Imagine that you can like yourself so much and yet, be humble- not at all arrogant.

“Every time we go out, my boyfriend always says that his parents are proud of me because I am an intelligent, beautiful, and kind person“- you are intelligent, beautiful and kind. I wish you believed your boyfriend when he says it (instead of doubting him: “Maybe they just said that because they were facing their son”).

There are online sources and book about overcoming shyness, I didn’t read any (and therefore I do not recommend any particular book), but some books that appear on my online search are Overcome Social Anxiety and Shyness, How to Raise Your Self Esteem, The Self Esteem Workbook, and Women Who Think Too Much.

And now, to your recent post: in regard to telling your boyfriend about your discomfort with him having female friends, you wrote, “Every time I tell him that, he is quiet but the expression on his face is disappointed. So maybe what he thinks is that I control his life“- the way I understand it, is that you are shy, lacking self-esteem (like I used to be most of my life, by the way, and am still shy in some ways). When you see him being friends with other women, you feel hurt and angry, and you think about it a lot:  it is troubling and painful, isn’t it?

So, understandably, you are trying to stop your pain by making him stop doing what you believe is causing you the pain: to make him stop having female friends. Maye you don’t dare making him stop in direct ways, by actually saying: Stop having female friends! Maybe you are trying indirectly by showing him how hurt you are and trying to.. make him care, and make him stop… !

Problem is that even if he did not have any female friends, there will still be things that will awaken your pain because (again, assuming his friendships with women are appropriate) it is the shyness/ lack of self-esteem that is the #1 cause of your pain in this context, I believe.

Would you like to work on your shyness/ self-esteem, little by little and reap the benefits, which are more and more peace of mind and a more peaceful, satisfactory relationship with your boyfriend?

anita