Dear Anita, I hope you’re okay and having a great, peaceful time.

Yes, my father have never accused me of something. He just didn’t treat me right, but I only felt guilty because I wasn’t with him all the time leaving him alone from time to time. I felt responsible because I could choose to be with him, but I wasn’t able to choose it all the time. I was never responsible of his misery, but I felt like I did have the strength to help him by at least being with him more, for his own good. However, whenever I feel sad for him and decide to go, he did something that would upset or harm me. He would either make me cry, or behave badly, or neglect. I remember going to his place just to make him feel better but then when I’m there, he was leaving me alone and going outside to be with some other people. It was weird, I wasn’t the one he wanted I suppose. But I know that if mom did accepted him again, he would do the same to her. His opinion of love was more about “having someone”, “having them as a supply” and when the supply is there, he just continues to be himself. This is the most selfish love I’ve experienced, even more selfish than the partnerships where I was cheated on. Even now, he wants me to take care of him so that he is not alone in the house. When I manage to go there, and stay with him, just after 5 hours he argues, even fights me over something stupid. The aim is to make me feel bad and be there for him, but after the aim is accomplished, I am trash to him.

I am still not afraid of hurting him, I am afraid of the confrontation because I know it’s so hard and maybe it’s ten times harder for him. I know that I wouldn’t hurt him, there’s no point. I’ll be the one getting upset about it afterwards.

I imagine that his students thought that you were so lucky to have him as your father, not knowing how he behaved in his own home vs school. Their emotional response to him being close to dying was appropriate to who he was with them, and your emotional response was appropriate to who he was with you.

Yes, you’ve seen an important point there. I don’t know how you guessed it. Other students thought that I was lucky. Some might even thought that I was privileged. But this was never the case, I know a girl who hates me over just this. Years and years ago, my father had dropped me off to a before-school course, just one time. He never did those sort of things, it was too much work, but I guess there was something different that day. And we’ve came across to that girl there, and he was jealous. I know it now. And after that day, that girl always tried to hurt me over different subjects. Years later I went to uni with that girl’s older sister, and then I saw that the girl is actually much luckier than me. She had a family, a connected one which I don’t. She has an older sister who loves her, supports and takes care of her when she needs it, which I will never have. I even have to protect myself from my own sister, she is toxic and never happy about my successes or friendships, she would enjoy that she’s better if I lose at something even though she is 11 years older than me. No compassion from her whatsoever. She might have grudges towards me since I had a slightly easier childhood, less violence. That girl has a father she can hug with, be emotional around and she can even lay with him hugging, talking about physical contact here.

Years ago, when father just moved out of the house we were living in, he didn’t have a spare bed for me to stay. So I slept in the same bed, which was the most natural thing I think for a child. When I was sleeping, I just moved my leg towards him and touched him casually, then again, I think a child must be able to touch parents when sleeping, or not. It’s your child, for god sake. Right after that, he just took my leg with his hands and moved back towards myself, away from him. This was the reaction I got. I ignored this then, but never forgot about it. When I look back now, this hurt me as well.

And that girl was financially stable as well, she was able to spend her father’s money comfortably. I never had this chance, always struggled even when we had the money. He just never liked giving it, so he never did. Not to me, my mom. Seeing that the girl had wrong reasons to hate me, I see how that’s unfair. She was a mean kid, I had my reasons to hate other children but I was never mean like that.

I feel an emotional transformation. I’ve been questioning some stuff especially about how I behave in the relationship. I realized that when something bad happens, not related to me at all, the other person gets upset. That’s totally normal, but I feel responsible. I feel uncomfortable, I feel like I am the reason for that bad thing somehow. I know that I am not but my mood suddenly changes, and I don’t feel safe anymore. I get even more unsettled than the person going through that little bad thing. After realizing it the other day, I tried to control myself. Even though my partner was upset, not related to me again, I tried to keep myself calm and comfy, as the problem was not mine. A problem about the trash, being tired or something with job upsets him, then he doesn’t smile or says anything good to me. I start to feel like I am not wanted there, I feel like he doesn’t like me anymore. This is the reaction I create in my mind and I believe in it, change my mood according to it. I am so skeptic about the love I receive, If I don’t receive it for 10 hours, I just get lost in my dark thoughts. Not nice.

The real transformation, however, happened yesterday. I know that people say things like “be nice to the kid inside of you” and so on. I never did that because I am still that kid, I feel like that. I feel vulnerable most of the time. Last night I was with my own friends, and he was with his own friends. After their meeting ended, he wanted to come to my meeting. I’ve sent a location and waited for him, and apparently the location was faulty and he accidentally went into somewhere he shouldn’t around the place, and had a little argument with the security. He was drunk.

I found him in the street and he was angry at me, about the faulty location I’ve sent. Since I’ve been questioning these days, I just didn’t accept him being angry at me, as we went inside the place I was calmly explaining and asking. “Why did you get angry with me, did I do something wrong? No. Why then?” Asking this 2-3 times sobered him a little and he accepted I was innocent, he was like a little cat owning up, calming down and accepting what I say. He obeyed what I said. It was like I had another “myself” in me who protected that little kid. This has never happened like this before, I thought about this a lot before I slept yesterday. I felt different. Although I was wearing my goldstone earrings and some say it brings confidence, so maybe that was the reason. Or believing that it brings it can make me behave better, why not…