Home→Forums→Relationships→Can we fix this relationship?
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September 22, 2022 at 11:19 am #407292
LynnParticipantHello everyone, I’m Aella.
First of all, my English is not quite good since it’s my second language. But I really need an advice .Me and my partner has been together for almost 4 years. We are from different state. We met through online apps and been friends like 3 months before decided to make it official as couple. So, the problem is after so many ups and downs together, last week we talked about she wanted some space, she wants to find herself, because she feels empty, she wanted to meet new people apart from me. So, she signed up for online apps where she can meet someone new. And during that process she met few new friends (most of them is really fast catching feeling person, in just one week they declared their feeling to my partner) I get frustrated of course I tried so hard to understand it, I admit that I’m a sensitive and jealous person but sometime I can handle it. But there is one person (her new friend) that get my nerves she wanted attention like want to calling every night, asking to going out and calling some sweet name to my partner. I talk this to my partner but she said is okay not like she is cheating since she is not flirting back, she just wants to be friend, she assured me that. But what I can’t tolerate is my partner won’t say anything about she has a partner she said she won’t tell them. We fight, because she keeps going out with that person until late night. Since my partner not a late-night person. She loves sleep early. And now after that she want a space, we talked without arguments, she told me she won’t be able talking like heart to heart with anyone else like she did with me. I really want her to understand that I want her to at least respect my feelings. When I asked what kind of space she want and how long. She can’t answer it she just telling me she wants to find what she wants in this life; she wants to know if she wants to continue this relationship with me, she is confuse either love or pity with me and asked me to get ready for any possibility. When I told her for letting me go if she feels burden and not happy, she doesn’t want it. She told me she feels home when she with me, she even compared me with that new girl when they on the phone, she said when they talked, she always thinks about me. I scared if we breakup I do love her but since we are in this giving space to each other I tried my best not to chat her it’s really hard but I want to respect her boundaries. But now she was like seem doesn’t care at all. My question is what exactly the purpose of this space? Is this method really help to fix the relationship? Thank you.
September 22, 2022 at 12:23 pm #407305
AnonymousGuestDear Lynn (or do you prefer Aella?):
English is my second (somewhat 3rd) language too, welcome to the forums! You shared that you and your partner met through an online app, been friends for about 3 months before making the relationship official as partners, a relationship that has lasted for almost 4 years so far.
Last week, she told you that she wants some space “to find herself, because she feels empty, she wanted to meet new people apart from (you)”. One of the people she met wants a lot of your partner’s attention, “calling (your partner) some sweet name“, and the two of them have been “going out… until late at night“, even though you know your partner as “not a late-night person“.
“My partner won’t say anything (to her new friends or friends) about she has a partner… she just telling me she wants to find what she wants in this life“- reads to me that she wants to find who she wants in this life (and what she wants) because she is doubting that it is you that she wants in her life as a partner.
“She wants to know if she wants to continue this relationship with me, she is confuse either love or pity with me and asked me to get ready for any possibility. When I told her for letting me go if she feels burden and not happy, she doesn’t want it“- I think that because she clearly doubts that she wants you to continue to be her partner, and because she is currently in search for a more suitable partner, the way you can get ready for any possibility is to let go of her (instead of leaving it up to her to let go of you).
“She told me she feels home when she with me, she even compared me with that new girl when they on the phone, she said when they talked, she always thinks about me“- there is a well-known saying: “you can’t have your cake and eat it too”- well, she can (so far): she is keep you hopeful that she will choose you while she is searching for someone else.
“My question is what exactly the purpose of this space?“- I think that the purpose of this space on her part is to shop around for a more suitable partner.
“Is this method really help to fix the relationship?“- if she doesn’t find a more suitable partner, maybe then she will be motivated to fix the relationship with you.
What do you think about what I wrote here?
anita
September 22, 2022 at 5:56 pm #407312LynnParticipantHello Anita, My actual name is Lynn. Thanks for your response really appreciate it.
Reads to me that she wants to find who she wants in this life (and what she wants) because she is doubting that it is you that she wants in her life as a partner. – She told me before she want someone can challenge her, like hard to get something like that. while me someone is don’t like arguing.
I forgot to mentioned she having a Bipolar II. Every month she is on medication. If not she will having a mood swing. On our first year of relationship I had been through a lots due to her sickness. She had depression (really bad one) I stay and making sure to take care of her until she fine now.
I think that because she clearly doubts that she wants you to continue to be her partner, and because she is currently in search for a more suitable partner, the way you can get ready for any possibility is to let go of her (instead of leaving it up to her to let go of you). – she said this relationship is bored. No spark, this is why I told her find a way how to fix it. But seem she is not interested.
There is a well-known saying: “you can’t have your cake and eat it too”- well, she can (so far): she is keep you hopeful that she will choose you while she is searching for someone else. – I think I couldn’t agree more about this. It’s just a matter of time for me to let her go.
If she doesn’t find a more suitable partner, maybe then she will be motivated to fix the relationship with you. – Do you believe a quote saying “let it go, if they come back is yours”. Like meant to be. but is hard for me to believe it. Most people who breakup won’t back to their ex.
One more thing is, I really close with her family. her family treated me so good her mother care for me and even said I’m just like her own daughter. How can I move on when this situation where I stuck to go and stay?
September 22, 2022 at 8:28 pm #407315AnonymousGuestDear Lynn:
I read your recent post but I am not focused enough to reply to you as attentively as I would like. Therefore I will reply in the morning (in about 11 hours from now).
anita
September 23, 2022 at 10:49 am #407344AnonymousGuestDear Lynn:
You are welcome, Lynn. * By the way, when I quote you, I make some grammatical editing for easier reading. I hope it’s okay with you, is it?
I see two issues here: (1) your partner and your relationship with her, and (2) her family (particularly her mother) and your relationship with her family.
Regarding the first issue:
“She told me before she want someone (who) can challenge her, like hard-to-get, something like that. while I am someone who doesn’t like arguing. I forgot to mentioned she having a Bipolar II… she said this relationship is bored. No spark“-
– Bipolar 2 involves periods of depression and periods of elevated mood (hypomania). I am guessing that your partner prefers the periods of elevated mood over depression. Looks like she is looking for another woman (or other women) to elevate her mood: to create excitement/ spark in her life, anything to stir her away from depression and boredom.
“In our first year of relationship I had been through a lots due to her sickness. She had depression (really bad one) I stayed, and made sure to take care of her until she fine now“- you’ve been a good partner to her. She is fine now, you wrote. But she is also bored, and she wants excitement outside her relationship with you.
“It’s just a matter of time for me to let her go”- sooner than later may be better.
“Do you believe a quote saying ‘let it go, if they come back (she) is yours’. Like (it’s) meant to be. But (it) is hard for me to believe it. Most people who breakup won’t back to their ex“-
– well, I believe in (1) letting go of people who are not good to you, or for you, (2) not letting back into your life people who are not good to you or for you, (3) I don’t believe in romantic destiny, that is, in the belief that there is one person out there who is meant to be with you.
Regarding the second issue, “I (am) really close with her family. Her family treated me so good, her mother cares for me..“- it is possible that your partner’s mother likes you so much because she appreciates that you tolerated and took care of her daughter so well, making her (the mother’s) life easier this way. Is it?
If and when you are no longer in a relationship with her daughter, the mother may emotionally withdraw from you because you will no longer be taking care of her daughter. I am not saying that surely or probably this is what will happen: I am saying that it is a possibility. Did you ever talk to your partner’s mother about the troubles in your relationship with her daughter, past and current?
anita
September 25, 2022 at 8:07 am #407373AnonymousGuestDear Lynn:
Your last sentence three days ago was a question: “How can I move on when this situation where I stuck to go and stay?“- first, imagine yourself no longer being stuck, see it in your mind’s eye: how your face looks being free (no longer being stuck), how your voice sounds like… see yourself saying and doing what a free person says and does, and then make it happen!
How are you today, Lynn?
anita
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