Hi guys! I’ve been reading for a while, but only recently have I felt the urge to consult others in my little land of insanity.

I have been friends and more than friends (then friends and more than friends, so on and so forth) with this guy for almost two years now. We have been in the same circle of friends for quite some time; however, only met more recently. (He claims that he remembers me from years ago, but that’s another story) We instantly were attracted to each other, both physically and emotionally. We are both fairly silly, and he makes mention quite often how he’s never met anyone who’s favorite songs are all his favorite songs.We were immediately, and still continue to be, very connected to each other.

Here’s where it gets messy. We are both bad at relationships. Not bad as in we lie and cheat, bad as in, we have both been lied to and cheated on. I know that the past men have left me with a jaded outlook on relationships; however, I acknowledge that and am making it an effort to move forward in life. Him, on the other hand, seems to like thinking that the world is out to get him.

I have been dishonest to him when he’s confronted me about my feelings for him, mainly because I was terrified. If i let him in, would it ruin our dynamic? When I tell him how I feel, would it scare him away? Aside from the “what ifs”, I haven’t had a successful relationship to date, leaving me terrified that I will end up being another reason for him to hate women.

His reasons for asking me how I felt about him were unclear, he would tell me he had feelings, then back track, then list why he was scared to become serious with me. And then finalize the confusion tornado by telling me he doesn’t have romantic feelings for me at all.

I am pretty good at taking things for face value, and I have never been a girl who would romanticize a relationship with a man. But this one is different and it’s got me questioning myself.
It’s not so much what he says, but more so how he acts with me. He does things with me that make no sense to do if there were not romantic feelings. (I’m not referring to sexually, though the times we have hooked up, it’s been intense and extremely sweet- something else I have never dealt with)

Aside from my own personal beliefs, both his and my friends see something between us. Surprisingly, one of his ex girlfriends became a close friend of mine after an argument due to her jealously of the “way he looks at me.” She has been a wonderful shoulder throughout the entire “relationship” and provides me insight like no other. His friends have pulled me aside and explained he cannot get a “read on me” and how “awfully he’s been hurt before.” When he started accepting the attention from a girl who was throwing herself at him, two of his friends “tattled” on him to me. Not that I have any say in him “being in trouble with me” (we are just friends, after all) but it was certainly a bruise to the ego to hear.

He’s not an outwardly emotional guy (unless he’s intoxicated) but recently, he’s cried to me several times. My only understanding of him breaking down is because he is repressing his feelings. Perhaps not just for me, but for everything.

The consistent inconsistency is something that I have grown to simply accept, though it’s not something I actually prefer. Despite what several people have told me, I cannot force him into being my boyfriend. Mostly because I am not that type of girl, but honestly, more so because I cannot find the confidence to hope he would not walk away completely. (My heart of hearts knows he wouldn’t, but I cannot get over that vulnerability.)

The girl who I mentioned earlier is still floating in the background, waiting for attack. He’s spoken to me about her, initially making an effort to seemingly make me jealous, now more of a “need to know” basis. He told me a few weeks ago he lost interest in her, yet told me this morning he made plans with her for Friday (after asking me to hang out Saturday.) One thing that is crystal clear in knowing him is his need for attention and his deeply rooted insecurities. (assuming that spawns from being cheated on, I don’t crave the attention, but I have insane insecurities)

I vow to myself that I will always be there for him. Not because I expect if I am, he will break down and become my boyfriend. But because I care deeply for him as a person. I see a great guy when I look at him, one that he certainly doesn’t see when he looks in the mirror. It breaks my heart when I think of the pain he puts himself through, and I just want to be there for him. But I feel like I am starting to go insane.

I am obsessing over the situation, feeling less than a girl I never met that in the back of my mind I know he only likes for attention. I am feeling insecure, thinking that he has played this back and forth because he’s using me as a filler, until he finds something he thinks is “better.” Or maybe he’s keeping me on the back burner until he is actually ready to grow up and be in a relationship. I don’t know. And the times that I do get over my fear of expressing feelings, we get nowhere because he simply gets defensive and tells me I act like I don’t like him. It’s a terrible see saw of emotions.

My need for help plays on the hope that someone has been here before. Or someone knows how to handle a confusing, hurt and untruthful individual. Or that someone has a good suggestion of how to remain confident in myself, while letting the attachment to him go. I have done well for myself in that I recognize what I need to change. I know you need to love yourself before you love anyone else, which is why I have confirmed with myself that right now isn’t a good time for us to be in a relationship. But I do love him and at the same time, don’t want to allow myself to be hurt by him. (which is how I am feeling now.)

Basically, if, despite everything, the bad, the confusing, the frustrating and the misleading, your gut still tells you this person is worth it; how do you proceed?

Thank you for any insight. And I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this whole scatterbrained post.