Dear Addy:

A couple of days ago, Nov 17, you wrote to me: “Okay so I understand this much that lot of things are attached to the past childhood trauma etc. And maybe it’s true.“-reading this sentence, it seems like I suggested to you that there is a connection between your present problems and your childhood, and your response: maybe it is true that there is a connection, and maybe it is not true.

But it wasn’t me who brought up your troubled childhood and  the connection between your childhood and your present problems; it was you, Addy who brought it up on Oct 2, when you wrote: “I think more or less has to do with my Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN).. So I’ve dealt with very Low self-esteem, self-compassion and self-confidence…  I did built up kind of Insecure-avoidant attachment pattern“-

– you identified the trouble in your troubled childhood as Emotional Neglect (CEN= Childhood Emotional Neglect), and you identified the problems that resulted from that neglect: low self-esteem, low self-compassion, low self-confidence, and insecure-avoidant attachment pattern (the latter leading to your years-long relationships being with women you have never met: “my previous LDR lasted more than 3 years… haven’t met in person, and not even video called once… Now this LDR, it’s been only two months. We didn’t meet in person“, Oct 15)

Following your presentation of the connection between your childhood and your problems, you stepped back and said: maybe there is no connection. You are welcome to change your mind. What I am doing here is bringing it to your attention that you indeed had a change of mind.

Yesterday, Nov 18, you wrote: “Dear Anita, I agree healing needs to be done but past is past we can’t change that. We can only accept that and learn from it“- it is as if I presented you with a time machine and said: go back in time, Addy and change the events and people in your childhood! I didn’t suggest that, Addy because it would be impossible to follow such a suggestion… and I don’t have a time machine. This quote means to me that you misunderstood what I did suggest to you.

Nov 18: “There’s just so many good things that I still feel since my childhood… that my inner child is still alive… Sometimes I sleep on the roof even if I get cold, but I know how much I love staring at sky filled with stars, Same for taking care of small plants leaf by leaf. Other thinks it’s silly and childish but I love it“- excellent, Addy: I am so glad that the emotional neglect that you suffered in childhood did not eradicate your inner child who still likes to stare at the sky filled with starts and take care of small plants, leaf by leaf!

I read Tee’s excellent input: she brought up something that did not occur to me and which fits very well with my understanding of you and your situation. I also understand that in your culture, a son cannot voice criticism of his father and have the criticism respected and considered. But please, stop redirecting your criticism of your father to ===>  your virtual girlfriend (and possible future real-life girlfriends). You know how it feels to be criticized… don’t do it to the woman in your life, or to your future children,  in the name of being a “very caring person”, be it a very-caring-boyfriend/ husband, or a very-caring-father.

A very-caring boyfriend does not criticizes his girlfriend when she needs empathy; a very-caring father does not persecute his children with criticism but guides them with empathy.

You started this thread on Oct 2 this way (the boldface and italicized features are my addition): “Hola Everyone! I feel like time is passing too fast and I’m not able to keep up the pace with it? Not being productive enough or not achieved the things as of my age. Is this fear of missing out or something else? I just feel so overwhelmed with things sometimes that I have to achieve and maybe doubts when I’ll achieve them”- this is what criticism (the boldfaced) does: it overwhelms a person so much that he/ she is missing out on…much of life in the present time: life passes so fast that you are left behind.

anita