Dear Farnaz:

Congratulations on your move!!!

“About reliving the situation, I feel like my sister is constantly thinking about what happened between her and my mom, and she would react to everything even slightly (similar) to the situation back then. She was very upset once (when) we visited her abroad to the point my dad and I (thought we) should reschedule our flight because we couldn’t handle her temper. She brought up the past every chance she got during a 10 days visit, and although I was upset, I was wondering how she is living with herself if she keeps remembering all those bad memories. I know our presence was triggering for her“-

-this is my best understanding of the above (based on my own experience): your sister remembers but she is not sure about what really happened to her. She is conflicted and she needs you and your father to help her understand. She sounds confident (doesn’t she?) when she angrily declares that your mother was wrong having said this and done that to her… She sounds confident because she is trying to convince you and herself that she was indeed wronged by her mother. She does not feel confident that indeed it happened.

She thinks that because you and your father know her mother, since you lived with her, you’d know the truth and you’d confirm to her the truth she suspects. Her memories themselves do not convince her. She needs your confirmation.

When she tells you about her experience with her mother, she is asking for your help. But you and your father do not understand that she is asking for your help. You probably respond with neutrality, which is driving her crazy.

If she stopped doubting her experience, she would stop reliving it in the effort of trying to figure it out.

“One of my strategies is when I try to distinguish between my own voices and my mother’s in difficult situation, I mean is it my own feeling or something that my mom would say, which was demeaning most of the times, and choosing my own“- your mother has a mental representative residing in your brain, talking to you. Much like your mother has a mental rep residing in your sister’s brain, telling your sister that she (your sister) is Wrong, that she is thinking Wrong, understanding Wrong. So, she keeps doubting herself still, in her 50s.

As you further develop your own strong, confident voice, the mental rep’s voice will weaken and weaken.

anita