Dear Sushmita:

You are welcome, and good to read from you, ma’am!

It is interesting that in your first sentence today, Nov 27, you wrote: “I am very confused at this point about answering how I am”, and in your very first sentence on this thread, July 13, you wrote: “I am very much confused about from where to start”. I know that you will feel better when you are no longer confused, so let’s look at what is so very confusing to you:

You wrote in your very first post: “I am a girl, single child to my parents. I belong to so called upper caste and my boyfriend of 3 years belonged to low caste. My family is very much dysfunctional. Where I am constantly blamed by my father for being the reason of misery and no property given to him by my grandfather.  MY boyfriend and I shared a beautiful relationship. Those 3 wonderful years. I would say that was the only part of my life where I had contentment. I am currently pursuing masters. I am 23″.

On that same day, July 13, you shared that your mother told you the other day “that she is going to gather all relatives and get me beaten and that’ll fix my mind“, and you shared: “either ways my relationship with my parents and family is doomed… I don’t trust my parents with my life“. Later on, July 17, you shared: “My parents do have issues. It’s 24/7 of fighting and blaming each other, using abusive words…. in all this chaos me and my mother we were close… I was close to them. But now after this incident even when I talk it has left this void that doesn’t feel like it’ll be filled ever again. I don’t have anyone… It’s just like I am carrying myself and dragging myself with no sense of connection to anything“.

On Aug 25, you wrote: “The situation in the family has worsened, I was beaten by my mother to the point where my nose started bleeding… When I get up, the first question is: when are you leaving. You are curse to the family… Constantly I am told to die so that they can live in peace… My mother all the time says you were definitely our enemy in past life that came to ruin our life. I was better without a child like you. I gave you everything.. and you gave me that chamar boy” (“chamar” is an insult in India; she was referring to your boyfriend at the time. It means that he is so inferior that he is lower than the lowest caste, so much so, that he is outside the caste system altogether).

Fast forward 3 months, and yesterday, Nov 27, you shared that you are living away from your family’s home for almost 2 months (congratulations!), you are functioning okay, but “I feel distant from my parents. I do not feel like talking to anyone from my family. I have withdrawn myself from everywhere… I feel cursed… It’s the same feeling of being dead inside but still dragging myself throughout the day to do bare minimum things… I carry myself throughout the day laughing and pretending I am perfectly alright but deep down it’s empty and it just pains unbearably at times…. I am living with suicidal thoughts all day long but I am so much of a procrastinator, I know I will not even succeed in that”.

My thoughts today (and efforts to dispel your confusion) are these: growing up, your parents frequently fought, so there was aggression and no peace for you at home. The relationship with your then boyfriend (at ages 20-23) meant so much to you because it was the first time in your life that you had a peaceful, non-aggressive relationship. Growing up, you felt close to your mother (and sometimes to your father),  but after she found out about your boyfriend, she turned aggressive against you- full swing. Your boyfriend at the time withdrew from your life and you were left with a void, an emptiness, a social and emotional isolation.

As human beings (of any and every caste, any and every race, and in every part of the world), we are highly social animals, living in social groups and needing physical and emotional closeness with other people for our physical and emotional survival. Naturally, when you find yourself either physically or emotionally isolated- as you are- you feel a void, an emptiness.. aka depression.

What do you think would be the solution to the social- emotional isolation that you are suffering from?

anita