Anita,

then I will continue to share these everyday details with you!

lovely!

 shaming and humiliating me … carefully picking the words that will shame me the most.

I was always amazed: where did she got this ability, perfect ability to take every situation, every conversation and offend me in the most elaborate way, and no hesitation. There is no one more perfect than her, in the art of insulting.  I could say: the hairdresser pulled my hair too much, and she would say “maybe he is not used to people with such thin hair”. And this is one of the nicest things she said to me, it was actually said during  a “nice” conversation.

– I can’t believe that I am reading these words. It is as if I wrote them.. this is almost unbelievable!  I used to have this recurring dream in which my mother was looking at me with pure contempt, disapproval, rejection and repulsion.

There was no action, no words and no sound in the dreams, only her silent venomous, hateful look.

It is as if we had the same mother. (I think you mentioned this one time)

The similarities are almost unbelievable, incredible…

I wonder if there any still any we do not realize.

I took Clonazepam (a benzodiazepine, like Xanax) 1995, or 1996 – 2013.

I started taking Xanax in 2010/11, continued in 2012 (with small breaks), through 2014/15, to 2018. I realized I had a problem around 2012 but continued.

I intended to recall here what was my life exactly in 1995 (when you started taking it) but.. I do not remember. Except for the traumatic events I have very small amount of memories from my childhood. I could write them all in one a4 page, I think. (on the other hand, the story of my mother – on that I could write a whole book!)

 my earliest memory of dissociation is from the time I was six or so. I was alone in the apartment at night because my mother, while fighting loudly with my father (right before their divorce)  screamed that she was going to kill herself and left the apartment. He left too. So, I walked down the stairs in the dark scared, intending to look for her.. and then, I imagined that I was a movie star playing in a scary movie and I felt positively excited in the midst of horror.

How well I know this. Fantasies accompanied me through my whole childhood and teenage years. I must admit I do not entirely understand the term dissociation, so I will just say they were fantasies. In my fantasies: I had a husband, and even a second guy fighting for my love. My husband was leaving and begged me to wait for him! He was american. I did not know the language very well so it was difficult for us.

Oh, how good it felt. I lived a whole different life in my mind.

My mother never threatened with suicide, but threatened with leaving. I cannot imagine saying threats of killing oneself to a child.

it is my turn to tell you: how simple and perfectly said!

my comment would be this: 🙂

I saw bears quite a few times, one right outside the glass door, another on the driveway on the other side of the house, and a few bears crossing the paths on my 3.5 mile walk. I saw coyotes too, one confronted me twice while I was on my walk (that’s when I started carrying bear spray). I saw a mountain lion right by the house… on camera and other people warned me about mountain lions in the area, showing me photos they took.  If I saw a mountain lion in-person, I don’t think I will ever be able to do my walks.. they are too big and scary looking.

That’s scary. Carrying bear spray is a good choice, then. I cannot imagine being this close and being forced to use it.

(It’s almost like we are… the same person, lol).

Still not sure if it’s Ok for me to be excited about this!

you made my day!

Very nice to read this, Anita. I am sending best wishes!