Anita, Thank you for this short post, I wondered if you posted, good that I checked.

When I first read it, I automatically thought to myself something like: it can’t be shocking, it was not that a big of a deal.

I was wondering if you can elaborate about the comment: what is shocking about it?

I think being a child, or a teenager (you mentioned your parents’ divorce around you being six and your mother’s threats before that divorce so I assume you were very little) we do not have much comprehension of death or parents leaving us. I think it would be scary, even without fully understanding of this term. Along with seeing a parent distressed, that’s how children learn, for example hearing the term “happy” and seeing the parent’s emotions.  That’s why children are protected at very your age, from death, sex. But It’s just my understanding, that this may be why I thought it was shocking.

I remember one time when my mother crashed her car, came back home around 8 am, she was supposed to be at work. I saw her upset, distressed. She might have said something about barely being alive. Along with seeing her panicked – it scared me a lot. I did not fully understand concept of being alive/dead then but I did understand a lot during that day. Now I think, in a way, she choose to not protect me from this incident. She could calm me down, say: everything is fine, mommy just had an accident, but it’s okay.

I cannot imagine, on top of all the narcissistic abuse, additionally having to deal with fear of parent’s death or leaving me, (prospect of not having anyone to feed me etc) even if this parent abuses me. When my mother used to say “I will leave one day, pack my things and YOU WILL SEE” that’s what I imagined. But I don’t think it can be even compared to threats of killing herself, after some time I knew she was just saying this, not planning to leave.