Dear Eric:

I will get to your worries in a moment, and I will do so in the context of looking at the issue of Intelligence, your intelligence. I’ll define intelligence here as your ability to think logically and address all aspects of a situation (see the bigger picture) for the purpose of promoting your self-interest.

Let’s look at how you  opened your recent post: “Dear anita“- you addressed me (as always) just as I address you, and you type my name the way I do, with a small “a”- this makes me (the reader of your words) feel nice, as in being respected and acknowledged. This is intelligent of you!

Next: “Before I explain the facts that happen yesterday, I’d like to thank you for always listening to my stories. I really am thankful“- this is very intelligent of you, Eric: you know that it was difficult for me before (as it would be for most people) to read about your many worries in long posts, so you thank me in advance. This makes me feel nice and motivated to put in the time and effort and read about your worries. In this opening sentence, you prepared me emotionally for what is to come. Again, very intelligent.

Next, you wrote: “The list of facts that happened yesterday are“- I asked you for the facts only, and you are stating here that you will give me exactly what I asked. I feel that you listened to what I asked and that you respect me. I am therefore ready to read about your worries, willing to give it all my time and effort. Your self-interest is that I read about your worries and reply, and you promoted this self-interest very intelligently (I am impressed!)

*And I believe that you really are thankful to me, therefore, you are not dishonest with me: you are intelligent and honest, excellent, Eric!

And now, to the worries: “So yesterday on my meeting with her, before arriving at the restaurant, I asked her why didn’t she invite me to eat with her parents?… she told me…  she finished her uni on 8.30 pm and went straight to eat with her parents… it was really rushed..  and I told her I don’t like things to be rushed“- her explanation is perfectly logical. But you are not satisfied with her explanation (“Should I be disappointed?”, you asked)-

– your reaction to her explanation is not intelligent because you overlooked the fact that she listened to you when you told her that you don’t like to be rushed, she remembered that you said it and respected your preference to not be rushed. This is all loving, on her part. But you overlooked it (not looking at this important aspect of the situation/ not seeing the bigger picture) because in your mind, you are focused on the negatives, looking for evidence that she doesn’t love you and that bad things are going to happen.

“The second fact that happened is that she told me her aunt texted her asking if she’d like to get to know a guy… If I remember correctly, she told her aunt that she’s close to me now, and her aunt told her ‘ahh too bad, that guy is a bit late by a few months‘… So yesterday when that girl told me that her aunt wanted her to get to know a boy (the guy that is close to her aunt), I…   told her that my mom met her sister in a formal event… so she will know I’m not some random guy who just wants to get close to her sister“-

– you overlooked the fact that your girlfriend told her aunt that she is close to you and therefore, she is not interested in another guy, and you overlooked the fact that her aunt accepted it. This means that the guy you are concerned with is not relevant. But you reacted as if he is relevant and you are competing with a guy… who is not relevant. You are complicating a situation that is not complicated, creating drama where there is no need for any. Your thinking and behaving here is not intelligent.

“Her sister told her, ‘wow it looks like your flower has bloomed a lot this year, that lots of guys chase you’. Who wouldn’t feel pain hearing these stories right?“- wrong! There are guys who will feel pleasure (not pain) when a girl who has options (other guys showing interest) is interested in them, and not in the other guys.

“Regarding the unloved part: So, this week that girl is in her exams period in uni so she is stressed… She also told me next year she will have more assignments and have to work on her thesis. She told me to please bear that she might often reply late as she will be more stressful and busy. Luckily on yesterday’s dinner, I can still hold my sadness and disappointments“-

– again, you overlooked the fact that she cared for you enough to tell you that she might reply late, and that she might reply late for a valid reason (her studies). You failed to look at important aspects of the situation: that (1) she cares, and (2) that it will be good for you (in the context of a long-term relationship with her) to have an educated and a professionally successful partner in life.

You didn’t see the bigger picture. Your focus was only on a corner of the picture (that she might reply to you late).

“I keep asking her regarding that guy who her aunt wants her to get to know“- you worry so much that she will break up with you for irrelevant reasons (such as her aunt having mentioned another guy), but you overlook possible relevant reasons for her to break up with you, such as you asking her again and again about a guy who is not relevant to her life. She may get tired of this unintelligent question.

“As a person who never has any experience in relationships, I’m confused on how to handle all these pressures at once“-  handle your situation intelligently, and stop creating pressures that would not be there if you didn’t create them. An example of a pressure that you created for yourself is the guy that her aunt mentioned: her aunt already accepted that her niece is close to you, and therefore the guy is late. So.. let the guy go: there is no other guy in your girlfriend’s mind: you are the guy!

anita