Dear ManagoFandango:

“I’m sorry if this feels judgy“-

– to be judgy means to be overly critical, to judge people harshly. To judge, on the other hand (without the negative connotation) means to evaluate information fairly and with an open mind, and to form an opinion or a conclusion based on the evaluated information.

Let’s evaluate the information you presented in regard to your boyfriend’s mother (not in the order presented): “She drinks a lot…. 10am beers and whiskey till the next day“- it means that she needs help ASAP, help in regard to limiting or ending her drinking altogether. While she is still heavily drinking, she should be protected as much as possible (from falls and otherwise injuring herself), and other people should to be protected from her: someone needs to see to it (if possible) that she does not drink and drive, that she does not supervising children, etc.

“She drinks a lot and encourages my bf to drink too…“- I feel empathy for her for drinking heavily, but I don’t feel empathy for her encouraging her son to drink like she does. I judge her negatively for the latter.

“She talks a lot and repeats the same things over and over. She doesn’t even listen when you talk to her, she just talks“- it means that there is no point in talking to her if your goal is to be listened to, and it means that for anyone who doesn’t like to hear another person talking too much (I am one of these people) spending time in her presence is unpleasant.

“She talks behind other people’s back. Once my boyfriend’s cousin came home with his new girlfriend. She told me and her son ‘omg, I don’t think that P has ever had such an ugly girlfriend’ and after when this girl was leaving and they said their goodbyes she went and hugged the girl and said ‘OMG, you are so pretty’“- this means that if I am in this woman’s life, I am one of the people about whom she talks unkindly behind my back, and it means that honesty is not her greatest feature, to put it mildly.

“She always expresses how much she loves me, but I don’t feel it’s sincere. I found out that she badmouthed one of my bf’s ex.”- I trust her insincerity to be the rule, not the exception. (I bet that she is sincere from time to time, but how can one tell when that happens?…)

“She gossips, asks how much we make, how much my parents make“- anything and everything you share with her may be used against you when she gossips about you.

“She is always late, like 30 minutes to one hour every time“- this is a good thing that she is late, isn’t it? I mean, the less time with her, the better, and no time with her is best.

“when it comes to his mom, I don’t know what am I doing wrong, I don’t know why I can’t like her“- do you mean that she is the one encouraging her son to heavily drink and badmouthing other people (bad behaviors), but… you are the one who is on the wrong for disapproving of bad behaviors?

“Maybe if I will explain my reasons, as superficial as it may seem“- her behaviors don’t seem superficial (as in not significant or meaningful) to me. Her bad behaviors seem very significant to me.

“I try and think about her good qualities because of course she has those too“- her good qualities, such as perhaps, being a good cook, it that’s the case, is not going to help someone she may kill if drinking and driving (he or she will never enjoy anyone’s cooking once dead). There is an order of priority when it comes to the value of good vs bad qualities,. Do you agree?

anita

Dear ManagoFandango:

You are very welcome. More of my comments and suggestions based on your recent post:

“I feel so uneasy when I’m around her knowing that I don’t like her“- it is okay to dislike a person who displays bad behaviors, so try to be at ease with not liking her.

“The only thing I can do is spend less time with her“- good thing.

“but encourage my boyfriend do spend time with her alone if he wants to“- I wouldn’t encourage him to spend time with her alone, but I wouldn’t stand in his way either.

“I just hope that when we have children my boyfriend won’t insist about leaving the kids alone with his mother“- if you consider having children with him, you’d need to insist (and he’d need to agree) that the children will never be left alone with his mother (unless she’s been sober for some time and is engaged in a healing or recovery program such as AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). It shouldn’t be a negotiable item.

“I found  that when I bring his mother’s behaviour up my boyfriend defends her…. but there are times when he by himself says that she says hurtful things, drinks a lot, is always late…“- I wouldn’t criticize his mother to him, if I was you, but I would quietly and empathetically listen when he himself criticizes her (without  adding my own criticism of her).

Post again if and whenever you would like to: I’ll be glad to read from you and reply again.

anita