Dear Joanna:

“That’s interesting. I always thought healing, releasing from trauma would be when I am able to feel nothing when thinking about painful memories. And I always feel guilty I cannot process it that way“- from my long-term, years of daily healing work, I learned that it is not so. You feel less pain, a pain that is not overwhelming, but the pain doesn’t disappear. You don’t get to forevermore feel “nothing” about what hurt so much and for so long (it would be impossible because our brain doesn’t get replaced with a brand new brain that has no emotional memory of our past).

It’s a good general rule for me to remember- and to recommend to others (although there are exceptions to almost every rule): don’t give advice unless it is requested.

“The paranoid is such a mystery to me. I was taught to assume, we both were, from our mothers, but the difference is… (our mothers have) absolutely no doubts about them!“- about the accuracy of their suspicious, accusatory thoughts, that is.

the ravive. com/ paranoid personality disorder, DSM-5: “PPD (Paranoid Personality Disorder) is a DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition), diagnosis assigned to individuals who have a pervasive, persistent, and enduring mistrust of others… Persons with PPD are hypervigilant to physical, verbal or social attacks, and do not trust others, and therefore tend to have few if any close or intimate associates. They tend to be aloof, cold, distant, argumentative, and frequently complain… Generally they have a difficult time getting along with others. (They) to do poorly with group activities and collaborative projects. They will be highly critical of others, but will respond to criticism of themselves with hostility or defensiveness…

“According to the DSM-5, there are two primary diagnostic criterion for Paranoid Personality Disorder… Criterion A is: Global mistrust and suspicion of others motives.. The person with PPD will believe others are using, lying to, or harming them, without apparent evidence thereof… They will interpret ambiguous or benign remarks as hurtful or threatening, and.. hold grudges.. In the absence of objective evidence, (they) believe their reputation or character are being assailed by others, and will retaliate in some manner…  People with Paranoid Personality Disorder will typically see others as the problem, rather than their own belief system they are projecting on others. This makes entering treatment difficult. Developing therapeutic trust and rapport will also be challenging…

“According to the DSM-5, persons with Paranoid Personality Disorder will have trouble operating with others in the workplace, educational or social settings… It is noted that people with PPD are more frequently unemployed or working more menial jobs than the general population…They tend to be solitary, self-sufficient, and secretive, and will have difficulty making or maintaining intimate relationships or close friendships…”.

* “Global mistrust and suspicion of others motives” means mistrust and suspicion of everyone.

“I feel such a relief since I do not have explain things to her. I used to justify people’s actions so many times to her.. ‘no, I don’t think she/he meant that’, ‘she/he probably didn’t do it on purpose’.  I always felt like she sees the world/people differently but couldn’t fully understand what it is exactly that is wrong with her“- no point in explaining anything to her.. and now you know what is wrong with her, don’t you?

“One time she went to the place where you can extend the contract for internet at home and she told me the guy was very talkative, nice, she was excited.. Next day she went to sign the contract and she didn’t.. She told me ‘I went today and looked, he barely saw me.. and I thought: ‘what, does he not like me anymore?’ It was then that I realized something is very wrong with her.. I still can’t fully understand this situation“- self-centered, she believed that his friendliness- or lack of- is about her. She doesn’t understand that other people’s behaviors are not all about her.

“Yes, this gradual…process of slowly returning. First she could speak one word, a quiet word as she was still not able to ..fully speak to me. As if she had real trouble speaking! Then she would for example offer me a dinner but still in neutral voice, but I already knew she was ‘coming back’“-

– back to the ravive. com/  ppd: “Persons with Paranoid Personality Disorder may develop brief psychotic reactions under stress, but by definition, a brief psychotic episode is discrete and does not endure“- I think that I understand now, that eerie silence, her sitting in the dark like that.. those were brief psychotic episodes that followed the intense stress she experienced during her raging attacks. Slowly, gradually, your mother, my mother were “coming back” (your words) from their brief psychotic episodes.

“Then after couple of hours, maybe next day she fully ‘recovered’ from silent treatment, was fully herself, smiling, happy, talkative, bringing me clothes or baking cakes“- back to her normal, following a brief psychotic episode.

“During silent days my life was on pause. I did not exist. I was there, but I wasn’t ..alive. I cried..“- this is how it feels to have a (briefly) psychotic mother.

“I am lucky I am not paranoid like her!“- yes, but not lucky enough to not be born to one.

“I appreciate it, Anita, thank you…. the truth was I just couldn’t move, I was stuck. I was afraid of her reaction, afraid how I manage by myself…  Happy I got away from this mindset. I am so good at being my own person now“- I am glad to read this (and I am smiling for the first time this morning!)

“There were times I thought she loved me (still confused about it) but I was always disappointed when she changed after couple of days, and wasn’t so sure about this anymore (her loving me)“- I figure that my mother truly felt affection for me, from time to time. I have no doubt about it. But you cannot feel comfort in those moments any more than a person being stabbed feels comfort when the stabber kisses the wounds in between the sticking the stabbings.

“Part of me feels sorry for them, for seeing the world the way they see it, never knowing how people can be good, kind, without hidden agenda“- when you find yourself feeling sorry for her, shift your focus to feeling sorry for yourself for a moment, for being born to her.

anita