Anita,

 The projection of your mother into the neighbor was immediate. Living with your mother, you had to be hyper vigilant, so to detect her anger and mocking … before it got worse, so that you could emotionally prepare for it, and so that you can figure out how to respond so to lessen the damage to yourself.

True. And good that I am aware of it, but still it is difficult and happens often.

you were not crazy. When we are spaced out (not focused on the here-and-now), we drift to a time of no-time: no separated past, present and future.

That’s very well said (as most of your thoughts, Anita). I will remember that.

– When she told you these scary, disturbing words the first time, you were very scared and disturbed.. but then, over time, you got so used to these words, that you .. forgot about them. This is what dissociation is about: either forgetting words and events altogether, or forgetting what you felt when the words and evens took place. Personally, I have very few memories of my childhood (I forgot a ton of scary words and events), and of what I do remember of the scary words and events, only recently did I start to remember a bit of what I felt back then.

I too, have very few memories from childhood. I imagine it is weird to only recently remember how you felt in those moments. I am wondering whether I remember words and events or feelings too. I remember being in my pyjamas a lot, being cold, out of bed in the middle of the night, shaking because of the cold – that’s why I remember it probably. Can’t remember much feelings except of maybe being scared.

I wrote to you yesterday: “I had some memories (very few) but it was only a visual image of me in those memories, not me, the actual person“- the feeling gives memories a 3rd dimension. Without feeling, memories are 2-dimensional. (A visual image  is 2-dimensional, an actual person is 3-dimensional).

Does this mean memories (traumatic ones for instance) need to have this feeling, this 3rd dimension?  Sorry if I misunderstand.

you felt lots of fear when that event took place, an overwhelming amount of fear. The anxiety you feel now on a daily basis is .. what it takes to keep that amount of overwhelming fear below your awareness. There is no way to intentionally make yourself re-experience that overwhelming fear, nor would it be a good idea if you were able (it’d be too much). It takes a very gradual process to feel it in small increments, small amounts that you can endure.

So what I understand is the everyday anxiety I feel is a result of childhood trauma, not processed trauma, and that better to not re-live those situations, not face this overwhelming fear. How to do it in small amounts and would it be helpful in processing trauma?

What I wrote right above is true to me: I feel anxiety on a daily basis, I am still pushing down fear that threatens to overwhelm me. It’s instinctive.

I must say I am still thinking about this whole post. Not everything is clear to me but I agree with the quote above.