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Married but feel alone

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • February 7, 2023 at 8:40 am #415124
    Whitfield
    Participant

    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Hi guys,</span></p>
    <p class=”p3″><span class=”s2″>Sorry long. My wife and I are married more than two decades. Both of us are conflict avoidant, she tends to passive aggressiveness, I am more of the people pleaser.</span></p>
    <p class=”p3″><span class=”s2″>For around one decade the relationship was great except for her silent treatment, sulking and defiance at times.</span></p>
    <p class=”p3″><span class=”s2″>Then we had a few setbacks (job, finance, house) and she went back to work, full time. From that time I felt that something is a bit off but I couldn’t determine what it was. Today I know that she became more self-centred, distant, less affectionate and put in less effort.</span></p>
    <p class=”p3″><span class=”s2″>4 years ago we had a major crisis. Her passive aggressiveness became more intense and frequent. I started to research. The research pointed quite clear to a personal disorder. She found out, felt betrayed and withdraw. I apologised but we never managed to get back to normal.</span></p>
    <p class=”p3″><span class=”s2″>One year ago I even chattet with other people.. similar to here. As well she found out, accused me of an emotional affair which I didn’t had.</span></p>
    <p class=”p3″><span class=”s2″>Today she is ok but the relationship is just functional and quite single sided. Reciprocity, affection, connection, etc. all that is just not there and when I look back it has never really been there. This lack of connection and loneliness let’s me think if that is the right relationship for me..</span></p>
    any recommendations?

    February 7, 2023 at 2:02 pm #415136
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Whitfield

    Welcome!

    Twenty years is a long time to be married. I’m sorry to hear all of the difficulties you experienced throughout marriage. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot together.

    I’m sorry to hear that you feel lonely and a lack of connection with your wife. I can understand why that would cause you to question the relationship.

    I’m curious, when things were at their worst during the major crisis. What kept you together?

    I’m asking because I would like to understand what was important to you enough to go through all of that?

    Wishing you all the best 🙏

    February 7, 2023 at 9:59 pm #415147
    Whitfield
    Participant

    Hi guys, here one more time… not sure what happened to the text. Hope it turns out all right.

    My wife and I are married more than two decades. Both of us are conflict avoidant, she tends to passive aggressiveness, I am more of the people pleaser.

    For around one decade the relationship was great except for her silent treatment, sulking and defiance at times.
    Then we had a few setbacks (job, finance, house) and she went back to work, full time. From that time I felt that something is a bit off but I couldn’t determine what it was. Today I know that she became more self-centered, distant, less affectionate and put in less effort.

    4 years ago we had a major crisis. Her passive aggressiveness became more intense and frequent. I started to research. The research pointed quite clear to a personal disorder. She found out, felt betrayed and withdraw. I apologized but we never managed to get back to normal.

    One year ago I even chattet with other people.. similar to here. As well she found out, accused me of an emotional affair which I didn’t had.

    Today she seems OK but the relationship is just functional and quite single sided. Reciprocity, affection, connection, etc. all that is just not there and when I look back it has never really been there. This lack of connection let’s me think if that is the right relationship for me..

    February 7, 2023 at 10:08 pm #415148
    Whitfield
    Participant

    It was love. The hope that things will/could change, etc. and of course the typical things like house, child,

    As mentioned I was looking for answers, it was not correct that I was looking for answers externally, but there are reason of course.

    Today I do not have that hope anymore, not really. Put aside all conflict and there is still this huge lack of affection, mutuality, connection, communication… Just to give some insight… our child never saw that she moved/stepped 5 steps towards me to hug, kiss, etc. me…

    February 8, 2023 at 4:27 am #415153
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Whitfield

    Thank you for clarifying some things and providing additional context.

    You explained that love kept you going through the hard times as well as responsibilities.

    You experience a lack of affection in your relationship.

    You are looking for answers but not externally.

    Has this lack of affection been constant throughout the relationship or is this a more recent development over the years?

    What I’m trying to understand is how this idea of love that once kept you going has changed in your relationship.

    I believe that affection is really important in relationships and I’m sorry your partner isn’t sharing that with you. No wonder you feel a lack of hope regarding the situation.

    Please feel free to share any thoughts or feelings that you have.

    February 8, 2023 at 6:32 am #415161
    Roberta
    Participant

    Hi Whitfield

    A relationship that is devoid of both mental / physical affection is a cold and lonely place to be. It is a brave person who can ask their longstanding partner what would bring them happiness. Most people look outside of them selves for the source of happiness/blame and very rarely look inwards as a way of taking control of nurturing their wellbeing.

    wishing you all the best

    Roberta

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