Dear Adam,

I am sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard to see someone you love suffer, and I think it is even harder when they reject your help and ask for space.

You said she is suffering from depression and has a lot of past trauma and insecurities, and it is no wonder that she is internally conflicted and cannot really sustain a healthy relationship. And she too has realized it, and has asked you to give her some space as she works on things alone, probably because she feels bad for not being able to meet your and her own expectations regarding the relationship.

You said you two were talking one day about a hopeful future together (Then after a couple months it went being a great night talking about kids, marriage and the future), but the very next day she said she had to leave and work on her healing alone. I think this shows how conflicted she is: on one hand she would like all those great things with you, but on the other her own emotional wounds and demons from the past don’t let her. That’s why she can’t promise that future to either herself or you. And she doesn’t want to give you false hopes either. That’s why I think she chose to leave – to be removed from the pressure to promise things either to herself or to you.

The thing is that we can’t save anybody. You can’t save her, you can only support her and encourage her. And it seems that right now she doesn’t want to be directly encouraged either, to be pushed, to be expected to see a therapist (I tried pushing her down the route of therapy but I know it is something you can’t force).

So the only thing you can do is support her from afar, to root for her, to keep her in your loving thoughts and prayers. To love her and have high hopes for her… but at the same time let go of any expectations. That’s hard, I know, but that’s the only way…

You said you yourself had experience with depression (I know how hard it is to deal with depression alone myself). So perhaps you can give her some tips on what to do, but without making it seem like pressuring her, like expecting her to change. What I think you’d need is to be there for her if she reaches out, to perhaps regularly send her loving thoughts and poems if she’s open to it, to hold the highest vision for her healing…. but not to pressure her to do anything. You’d need to learn to let go and trust in the best possible outcome….

I know she is lost and now I am too

I know it’s hard, but try not to tie your happiness to her happiness. Try to not sink into depression yourself. As much as you love her, you are a separate person. Try to stay positive and constructive, do what makes you happy, engage in hobbies, take care of yourself. You can also help her better (even if from afar) if you are taking better care of yourself. You can even choose to focus on your career at the moment and pursue some professional development, if it helps you worry less about her and your relationship.

I think it would help you if you had something positive to focus in your life, and if you worked on the goals you can accomplish and that you do have control over (vs focusing on her healing, which you don’t have control over). And of course, be supportive to the extent she is open to, with lots of hope but little pressure on her….

How does this sound?