A friend directed me to this site and I’m hoping just typing this out might help me to move on and try to change who I am and how I feel about things.

I am the eldest of 4 children, growing up I had a good childhood, although my parents were strictest with me, they also made me feel I never did well enough. My reports could have always been better, my exams were a disapointment (even though I ended up doing better then all my siblings) and my teenage years were hell to be honest. I found the transition from childhood to adulthood difficult and truly mourned and wondered at what had happened! I felt I had lost myself.
I started drinking, with my peers, only I took to it more then others, it gave me confidence in myself and so I relied on it to be social and make friends or to just find the guts to do things I wouldn’t have sober.

When I was 19 a lot happened all at once, I met my boyfriend (who I am still with 14 years later), my parents moved away forcing me to move out because I didn’t want to leave my boyfriend, and I had to find myself a full time job. It was a wake up call. I ended up moving into a bedsit that was shared with 7 men (it was horrendous), I found a job also at the same time.

My friends and work colleague’s were horrified that my parents would let me live in a place, it was unsafe in more ways then one! But I guess I was used to my parents making me ‘man up’ and sorting myself out ( I hasten to add they would not have let my little sister live anywhere like that!)

Anyway since then I ended up moving in with my boyfriend and eventually buying a house together.

I am still in the same job and relationship now. But things are different. I have grown up now and had a child, my life has changed yet the things around me haven’t. The last few years my unhappiness and despair have increased, I am suddenly panicing wondering what the hell have I done with my life?

I am still in the same job, which I hate, being controlled by a boss who is in everyway aggressive and confrontational, I am a walk-over. The amount of things that have gone on there which I deem to be highly unfair or uncalled for is an endless list, yet I still continue to meekly lay down and take it without any self defense. I rarely argue or confront anyone, when I am confronted at work about something I have done which they deem to be wrong (I hasten to add it rarely is the wrong thing in my eyes) I struggle to even talk verging on the edge of a panic attack, that is how far ground down I have become. Even when I know I am right I can;t even say it or stick up for myself with anyone ever!

My whole life I have felt I am never good enough, I stay in a job where instead of being praised for hard work, I am only ever spoken to when I have done something the boss isn’t happy with and in a manner that I find it hard to even say boo to a goose, let alone actually stick up for myself. Its pathetic.

In my relationship if I’m not happy with something I keep quiet as it builds up inside me. When my boyfriend and I almost split up a while back because I had eventually had the guts to blurt out how I felt (while drunk) my dad helpfully told me, that I give up on things too quickly and don’t try hard enough! (really a 14 year relationship isn’t trying hard enough?!?!)

I just feel worn out. I’m in a dead end job going no where that I don’t much enjoy yet I feel unable to escape, I have no experience in anything else and I’m just tired of it all.
My relationship veers from me feeling happy to me wanting to quit and walk out.
I feel I’ve not achieved much with my life other then a whole heap of mistakes, and I’ve been walked over again and again by everyone.

In fact I’m starting to wonder if I stay in these situations because its the only way I know, but it does’t make me happy.

The last few years my drinking has gotton out of control to the point where I binge drink until I pass out, I’m struggling to handle things, I’m trying to be strong. I know I need to remove myself from certain situations, but change scares me….everything has been the same for so long, that change scares me more then slowly wasting away while people trample all over me, crushing any hopes or dreams I ever had in the process.

I feel like I’ve lost myself and I don’t know how to get it back.

Thanks for reading this, I could write pages more I’m sure about things that have happened but you get the idea I’m sure. How can you learn to be able to stick up for what you feel is right? and for yourself? when all you are used to is being a push over who never fights back 🙁