Dear Dafne,

you are very welcome!

To summ up, next time he contacts me I will only accept meeting him in public (no going to his place for at least 2 more dates outside). I will find an excuse that the evening I’m busy and only day time works for now. If he doesn’t accept, I will say that I won’t be coming to his place. And that I can wait when he is ready for a more romantic relationship. We can stay friends for the moment being.

Sounds good! Let me know if he messages you again…

Actually, he doesn’t text me, only before the meeting so that might also be a sign that he doesn’t want to bond emotionally.

Yes, if he isn’t interested to check in on you throughout the week, and only texts right before he wants to pick you up, that too shows he isn’t interested to bond emotionally.

One of my friends came up with a new idea for dating. I’m curious what is your take on that. She advised not to be boyfriend/girlfriend until engagement. Basically we are connecting as friends, maybe kiss and hug (no sex with men).

Hmm… that’s a strange concept: to get engaged without being in a romantic relationship beforehand. If that’s what she meant?

I can meet with more than 1 person and get to know without giving the benefits of a relationship.

Yes, that’s dating. In the dating phase, you can meet more than one person and have that “interview” type of conversation, where you see if you are on the same page regarding what you want from the relationship, whether they want to get married eventually etc. But then once you pick your guy and start bonding emotionally and developing feelings, you can’t just remain friends till they ask you to get married. You need to have the romantic phase of the relationship, which can or doesn’t have to include sex. But what it has to include are mutual feelings and affection for each other, and prospects for a committed relationship, i.e. marriage.

So you cannot really jump from dating multiple people to getting married without choosing one particular person with whom you’ll engage in a romantic (boyfriend/girlfriend) relationship. That’s because you want to get to know the person quite well before deciding to marry them. You don’t want someone who will promise to marry you already on the second date, because that would be a big red flag.

Because those people who immediately offer marriage usually have an ulterior motive, e.g. they may want you to do the chores for them, look after their kids, take care of their sick parents etc (you were already involved with such guys, right?). Or maybe they are a conman who is after your money and wants to exploit you financially.

In any case, if someone wants to marry you only a short time after having met you, that’s a big red flag. So you need to be wary of both such guys, as well as guys who only want sex and don’t want any commitment. Both are bad news and something to stay away from.

I’m curious, Tee, what is your opinion on that? Is it a good way and more effective than being boyfriend/girlfriend first?

No, in my opinion it is not effective, if it means you skip the romantic phase and look for men who will tell you they want to marry you right after they meet you. You can’t expect such a guarantee. A guy can be interested in marriage as such, however he cannot immediately promise you anything. It’s a big deal, a big life decision, to get married, so the couple wants to get to know each other properly and know what they can expect from each other. I would date for at least a year before getting married. Anything that is rushed isn’t good.

I would like to get married and not stuck in a relationship forever.

I understand that, but as I said, you can’t marry a good, decent guy without first being in a relationship with him and getting to know him. What you should establish in the beginning is a) if he is free to marry and b) if he is interested to get married. If those 2 preconditions are met, and you like the guy, you can proceed to date and develop a relationship. And if there is mutual attraction and similar values, it will hopefully result in marriage, not too far down the line.

How does this sound?