Nights and mornings are definitely the hardest at the moment. I have been thinking quite a lot just trying to unpack a lot of what’s happened.

I feel she casted me into a role of being an individual to shelter and protect her from all things bad. When I could not do this all the time in reality and this caused her to feel that I wasn’t truly loving her. I think I cast myself in the role as well, all I wanted to do was to keep her happy and content while understanding that I was here. In the end she needed to be there for herself.

I am finding it hard at the moment to dig up that feeling I had over the last couple weeks when we were together. The feeling of loosing myself and becoming a shell. All I can think is it was right person wrong time. But I know I can’t wait around for the ‘right time’ as much as I want too.

I do feel my love towards her diminished a bit towards the end. I tried everything and nothing, neither would help. I wanted to love her completely so bad but I just felt alone and walking around egg shells shifted all my focus onto her. Relationships are a 2 way street but we couldn’t meet in the middle for some reason. I also started smoking again and I think it was because I was wanting an escape. She knew I was smoking and told me she had no issues with it. It did become a habit but I didn’t advertise it.

I keep thinking of a past message she gave about what she was wanting. To selfishly have me in her arms where she is safe and comfortable but knowing that she will only cause more pain for the both of us in the long run and have to do it all over again. It was basically spot on and I can’t help but reflect on it. This worries me about the future also as I believe she will still want to rekindle one day but may be the same even in the far future