Hi Adam,

she never wanted her bad moods to affect people and that’s why she chose to leave at times and be distant.

She use to say things along the lines of ‘I shouldn’t feel bad for feeling a certain way‘ , yet when I would say something similar it was unfair in her eyes. It was always a double standard.

She may have said that she doesn’t want her moods to affect you badly. However, when you expressed that her moods are affecting you badly, she thought you were unfair to her. So yes, it was a double standard, and she wasn’t really honest when she said she doesn’t want her moods to affect you.

Due to her trauma, she could only think of herself and her needs. She needed you to support her 24/7, and you were not supposed to express any concern or upset about her behavior. You ended up tip-toeing around her, watching your every word. Eventually, this turned you into a shell of a person (The feeling of loosing myself and becoming a shell).

She said she did want to work on healing but she didn’t really take any action on it.

Again, she promised something, but those were just empty words. She didn’t take any steps towards it. A little bit like the above: saying one thing, but doing the other.

Do you think I pushed her to change too much? I did earlier in the relationship, but then I stopped and was left waiting for her to still get work, therapy etc.

You were too attached to her changing. You were not able to leave the relationship. She was leaving you multiple times, because you couldn’t play by her rules, you couldn’t be a 24/7 protector who never complains and never needs anything.

So instead of pushing her to change and trying to help her heal, the best thing for you would have been to leave. Because the same cycle was repeating over and over, and nothing was changing.

In the later cycles, you say you even stopped pushing her. You tried to play by her rules, but it still wasn’t good enough for her, was it? She wasn’t happy with you… In fact, in the last 3 weeks she was telling you you need to make her your first priority (She was often in my ear telling me I need to change my priorities and be there for her etc.).

So it was never enough for her – even if you stopped pushing her to change, find a job etc.

So you think I was in love with the idea of what she could be? There was a lot I loved and also a lot I didn’t but I put up with it. I taught myself that it was okay and this was just who she was.

Yes, I think so. You hoped she would heal the traumatized part and stopped being so moody and needy. However, this healing never happened, she never did anything about it. She would break up with you whenever you demanded something. And you couldn’t bear the thought of losing her. That’s why you always reached out and reconciled… and I guess with each reconciliation, you became more and more compliant, less and less demanding of her (I taught myself that it was okay and this was just who she was.)

You taught yourself – you forced yourself – to accept her moodiness and neediness. But even that wasn’t good enough for her. She wanted more, she wanted to be your top priority. And this led you to lose yourself and become a shell.

Do you see? Your unwillingness to lose her led you to lose yourself.

I do see how the reality is a lot different and I think that’s what hurts but I do feel I am healing as well. Just the thought of it all actually ending causes grief.

Yes, you don’t want to lose her, because losing her is very loaded for you. I think it touches something deep in your heart, perhaps a feeling of being unwanted, or not good enough. You were never good enough for her, and you wanted to prove that you are. But you see what effect it had on you: it made you lose yourself, it almost destroyed you…

I don’t know why I am latching into an imagined future. I feel like each day I think about it a tiny bit more. I will try my hardest to not beautify the relationship and remember what it actually was.

I think you are latching on it because you still want to hold on to the hope that she might change some day, and finally love you. And in your mind, this will be a proof that you’re good enough. I think it’s some deep longing there, that’s why it is so hard to let go.

But please be aware of what is at stake her. You don’t want to lose yourself so you can have her. You need to find yourself, to affirm yourself, to strengthen yourself. Because you are worthy!