Hi Adam,

I am glad you’ve exchanged your belongings, and even though it was uncomfortable, you’re over it now. At least you don’t need to meet her again.

She said she wants to be there for each other but doesn’t see how it would work without being together.

I strongly suggest to forget about “staying friends” with her, because it’s not possible. You always end up sucked back into the relationship. Since you’re definitely not neutral towards each other and there are hurts and resentments, it wouldn’t be possible to stay friends. No need for it either. You don’t need to be there for her – you tried in the past 11 months, and this is how it ended. So the only feasible option is to go your separate ways. Wish her well (in your thoughts) and start focusing on your own life.

She admitted to emotionally processing the break up before it happened and taking it out on me. Her ‘deal breaker’ was the difference between us. Because of the differences in us it wasn’t the relationship she wanted to have. Made me realise that it was all manipulation, especially this.

Yes, it does seem like an excuse. Frankly, it seems to me that the biggest difference is that you wanted her to change, and she didn’t. That was the key stumbling block. If she wanted to work on her issues, to at least make one step in that direction, things would have been different. But like this, there was no chance.

No she didn’t want to change. By her last message she wanted to relationship to work around her and accommodate to her needs and wants. I am starting to see it now more I think.

Good. Glad you’re waking up to the fact that no matter how accommodating and careful you were around her, she always found something to be displeased with. You said she has been complaining recently that you’re not there for her 24/7, that she is not your priority etc. She behaved like a spoiled child a little, and blamed you for it…

She definitely used the break ups as a way to control me, whether she knew it or not. She knew I was readily available when she wanted. When she would pull away I would always be following behind ready to give her my heart back but not this time.

Yes, I remember last time she broke up with you you really wanted her back badly. You thought she sincerely wanted to change and work on her issues…. but this turned out to be wishful thinking. I hope you see that waiting for her to change, or nudging her, is futile. The only healthy way – which won’t be destructive for you – is to let her go.

No time was any different, it honestly just got worse and spiraled out of control. All the false promises, still no work, still left, still unstable and the list goes on. Those few things should’ve been enough for me to leave. As you said leaving would’ve been a healthy reaction in the first place. It was all just a fantasy and in reality she was not good for me.

Yes, I am glad you see it now.

I was good enough though in the end she even said I did nothing wrong which I already knew. It was her not me. I was trapped and got brought down by her disgusting moods.

Good that you realize that you didn’t do anything wrong. You’ve tried to support her. You even stopped asking her about her job. But she still found stuff to complain about. But that’s how we are when we have unresolved trauma – our unhappiness and frustration come from within. And no matter how someone can be kind to us, we still react, we still blame them and take out our frustration on them. Unfortunately, that’s what she was doing to you.

It does hurt a lot and the pain of being alone I can handle but it’s just how she burned me that hurts. I trusted her completely again and it was broken again. It’s always the ones closest to you. I know what I deserve though.

Yeah, you trusted her words, and they were misleading because she would promise things, but would never act on it. She said she wanted to heal and get better, but did nothing towards it. You even thought she was breaking up with you because she wanted to spare you from her moods. Whereas the reality was that she was too triggered to stay in the relationship and perhaps was even punishing you for mentioning anything that disturbed her.

I’ll get back to being happy pretty quickly I think. I will find my passions again and the weekend boredom will soon vanish. It’s still quite fresh for me.

Well, you don’t need to force yourself to get over her quickly. Take your time. It won’t be easy and it cannot be easy, because you were so attached to her. And the vulnerable part of you – who wanted to trust her blindly – is still in you. I think you’ll need to develop a relationship with that vulnerable part of you (your inner child) and be like a good parent to him.

Up until now you served a little bit like a parent to your ex, because you do have a strong adult part in you, who is responsible, wants to plan for the future, focus on his life goals etc. You tried to parent her (soothe her, console her, encourage her), and at the same time nudge her to come up higher, to take responsibility for her life. You’ve been a good “parent” to her. The only problem is that that’s not what we should be to our romantic partner. However, you should be a good parent to your own inner child.

So I encourage you to develop a relationship with your inner child – with the little boy you were x years ago. Talk to him, soothe him, tell him you love him and you are proud of him, and that he’s an amazing chap. Be a good parent to him. Does this make sense to you? Do you think you can get in touch with your inner child?

And at the same time, go back to your hobbies, things that give you joy, which you might have neglected. That’s good both for your inner child and your adult self too. Do what makes you happy.

I get so attached and clingy especially with exes and I don’t know why. I think it’s because now that person is gone all the memories we shared feel like they are gone as well.

I do have a deep longing for love and maybe it’s related to my inner child.

Yeah, I think your inner child needs to feel loved. Perhaps in your childhood you didn’t feel loved, or you didn’t feel good enough to feel loved, and that’s what’s making you vulnerable now? Once you can give love to your inner child, the inner pain and longing will lessen, and you’ll be less attracted to people who can’t really love you.

I know one day I will find someone but in the meantime I will try focus on loving myself again.

Very well said. You do need to learn to love yourself again, and as a part of that task, love your inner child too. I think if you do that, your healing will be complete.