Hi Adam,

I do feel as the finishing piece would be to have a loving long term partner who understands me. I have been successful in a lot of other ways and completed lots of goals of mine already at a reasonable age. Ever since I was young I’ve longed for a real partner.

Right, I see. Yeah, love and career are two major parts of our life. You’ve got your career sorted out, you say you’ve achieved many of your goals. And now you’d like to find a loving partner, someone to settle down and share your life with.

It’s interesting you’ve been longing for a real partner since you were young. Have you felt alone a lot in your childhood? You don’t have to answer, but I think it could be significant. You also say gaming was your “escape” (both in your childhood and now). Escape from what, if you don’t mind me asking?

I don’t feel like I’ve been a spontaneous person at all, I’m a lot more about planning and calculating

Planning is not a bad feature at all. It’s very necessary if we want to achieve goals. And you have achieved a lot of your goals. You’ve also earned enough money to buy a house. All excellent things.

As for spontaneity, I look at it like a season that adds flavor to your meal. For example, you plan a great trip and prepare for every eventuality, but then once you’re at the location, you allow yourself to enjoy, perhaps explore some hidden paths and new vistas, decide on a whim to visit a secret bay… in short, you’re in the moment and enjoying it. So I think the combination of planning and preparing on one hand, and being able to be in the moment and enjoy – is the “winning combination”.

So perhaps the question is: once you’ve reached your goal (either a tourist goal or in terms of your career), can you relax and enjoy it? Or you’re already thinking of the next goal and calculating how to get there?

I am a landscaper by trade so I enjoy the outdoors and gardening. We did lots of terrariums and indoor planting together which was really fun to do as a couple so I will continue do so myself.

That sounds like something that sparked joy in you. It might be a passion worth exploring? It’s a good idea to continue doing on your own and see how you like it…

I think her passion for her craft really intrigued me. She was into crystals, chakras etc and I never have been a spiritual person like that. I found it interesting but not convincing. I think this was also a big difference for her. She read into a lot of things because of her knowledge on chakras etc and I think this is where comments like “your body is rejecting mine” came from. In saying that I admired how much she really enjoyed making necklaces etc.

Yeah, you said she spent hours and hours, till deep into the night, making those necklaces. That’s probably when she was “in the flow” – completely consumed by what she was doing, enjoying every moment of it, and feeling like the time has stopped. Do you have some activity like that, where you forget about time and you “lose yourself” while doing it?

As for her spirituality, it could have been a double-edged sword, because it might have led her to try to heal on her own, without professional help. Whereas for trauma survivors (specially if it was sexual trauma), it is super important to get proper therapy. Not necessarily CBT but somatic therapies. Because I believe you can’t heal trauma just by using crystals and chakra healing.

So it was wrong of me to push her? Or it was wrong of me to expect that pushing her would start the change?
Okay I do understand what you are saying. I expected her to change and thought my efforts would make it happen?

The last one is the closest: “I expected her to change and thought my efforts would make it happen.” Yes, you wanted her to be a more stable person, with some adult goals, that are compatible with your goals. So you definitely wanted to see her changed. But she wasn’t showing any willingness to change. Or perhaps she didn’t want to change in the way you wanted her to.

And then your mistake was to push her and expect things of her. Later you stopped pushing openly, but you were still hoping that with enough patience and understanding on your side, she would start changing. Your intention and vision for her was to see her changed, and you got fixated on it. Whereas the healthy response would have been to let her go.

I am slowly realizing it wasn’t my destiny and I think I always knew this. I think if she stuck around and didn’t leave so much I would’ve felt more destined with her. I think if someone pushes through those tough times with me and shows me they can change and want too then I get that destined feeling. However I’ve never had that, only glimpses with her.

Yeah, her reflex reaction (and perhaps a manipulation tactic) was to leave whenever she didn’t like something. But again, your insisting that she should change (and staying with her) while she didn’t want to change – that was the problem.

I ended up telling her she was getting blocked just out of courtesy but i don’t think she really cared. However I told her she can reach out in the future if she wants to share stories one day. I don’t think she will but I will be in a better spot by then.

Good that you blocked her! When you told her she can reach out in the future, do you mean by email? Or that you’ll unblock her after some time?

It gets me thinking about my past exes and relationships. I always have a soft spot for my past women it’s almost a comfort thing.

Have you stayed friends with your exes?

One of the things that really stuck with me is how she said we are morally different. For example Her morals would be to drop everything to be there for me. Yet she wasn’t. She claimed it was bare minimum because she wants me and needs me and that I should also want to be there for her.

You said it was always one-sided: you were supposed to drop everything for her and also to have understanding for her feelings and her mood swings. But she didn’t understand your feelings – you weren’t supposed to talk about it. As you said, it was a double standard. It was all about her and her needs. Whenever you expressed your needs, you were blamed for it.

Another bare minimum for me was fighting for what you want and she never did that. The fact that it was always me fighting, writing poems, letters, offering comfort and never receiving any from her should’ve been my wake up call and it almost is now. I deserve someone who would’ve done the same for me as I did for them.

Yes, the relationship was one-sided: you invested all this energy in her, and it was never enough. She was just taking and  demanding even more.

A relationship shouldn’t be so unbalanced and one-sided. So that should be your big clue for the future.