Dear Dafne,

thank you for your prayers and your kind words.

I must be honest, dear Dafne, it pains me that you’re still hoping to get love from this man, after he told you repeatedly that he is only interested in sex. Not only in any sex, but in wild sex. And he was explicit in telling you what he would have liked you did to him – as if you were a call girl.

Instead of seeing you like a person, he sees you as just some woman to satisfy his lust with. Instead of asking you how you are, he reaches for your décolleté. I cringe when I think about it. And you should too. Because that’s not what you want, do you? You told me you want exactly the opposite.

To his defense, he didn’t reach out because he knew his stance would hurt you (He explained that he decided to not reply as he did not want to hurt me.). He stopped trying to persuade you into being a sex object for him. So he let you go. But unfortunately, you can’t let him go, even if he didn’t give you a single reason to keep pursuing him.

I know why you can’t let him go – because you believe he might come around some day. But it’s like looking for diamonds in a pile of garbage. What’s the probability you’ll find it there? Zero.

So you’d need to stop looking for your dream man in him, or men similar to him.

Is he really devasted so much by his divorce and can’t find a way to deal with that? How can I help him? Is it the right moment to try to be just a friend for him?

Perhaps he is devastated, but he isn’t looking for emotional consolation. What he is looking for is sex. He isn’t looking to talk to you either. He didn’t tell you how he feels, or what lead to his divorce. You don’t know anything about his supposed suffering, because he isn’t willing to share it with you. So how can you be friends with him?

You don’t need to help him because he doesn’t need your help. He only wants your help in relieving his sexual frustration.

I’ve heard so many stories, where women started friendships with recently divorced men (even after refusing sex) and after a while they ended up together happily. It took some time but it was worth it. Could this apply to my situation?

No, I am afraid it can’t. Because this guy doesn’t want friendship with you. He doesn’t want to confide in you, to share his feelings with you. When you asked him whether you are similar to his ex wife, he showed you some photos and videos of her. But it made him upset and he told you he doesn’t want to go to yoga or any activity with you, not even a walk with you. He only wants to meet you at his place:

His hands were shaking, started to smoke and said he doesn’t feel like going out, talking, doing things together, no yoga, no walks. He just wants to be there for his son but is open to meet me without going out.

Which means he doesn’t want to talk about his past, his emotions, his struggles…. If he doesn’t even want to have a walk with you, that shows how talk and emotional connection mean nothing to him. And if you expect to get it from him, it’s really like looking for diamonds in a pile of garbage (sorry for being blunt again).

My friend told me to tell him that I do not want to loose him completely or let him suffer in silence. She adviced to stay close but only as friend (no kiss, no touch etc.).

Dear Dafne, how do you stay close to this guy if he doesn’t want to talk to you about anything substantial? The only way to stay close to him is to agree to have sex with him. There are no other options, I am afraid.

I am sorry you’re suffering so much, Dafne, and that this longing for a man is ruining your health too. But being with this man and agreeing to his conditions would ruin you even more. It would break your heart.

So please don’t put yourself in a situation where there is a 100% chance of your heart being broken. Instead, try to focus on your healing, on filling the void in your heart that was created by your father’s coldness and absence. And then you’ll be able to attract the man who truly loves you and respects you.