Dear Roberta,

Thank you for sharing your story.

I can understand how challenging it can be for you. Hopefully you will achieve your dream one day. I admire your spiritual choice.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Have you been married before? Any children?</p>
To be honest with you, I do not even imagine having a child without a partner. I know how hard the life is for a single mom. Also it doesn’t feel natural and right to me. I would prefer a normal family.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I’m not sure what Buddhist teachings say about it. Are some people predestined to fail in life or redeem other people’s sins? Why some people have it so much harder than others?</p>
Have a good day,

Kind regards,

Dafne

Dear Dafne,

thank you for your prayers and your kind words.

I must be honest, dear Dafne, it pains me that you’re still hoping to get love from this man, after he told you repeatedly that he is only interested in sex. Not only in any sex, but in wild sex. And he was explicit in telling you what he would have liked you did to him – as if you were a call girl.

Instead of seeing you like a person, he sees you as just some woman to satisfy his lust with. Instead of asking you how you are, he reaches for your décolleté. I cringe when I think about it. And you should too. Because that’s not what you want, do you? You told me you want exactly the opposite.

To his defense, he didn’t reach out because he knew his stance would hurt you (He explained that he decided to not reply as he did not want to hurt me.). He stopped trying to persuade you into being a sex object for him. So he let you go. But unfortunately, you can’t let him go, even if he didn’t give you a single reason to keep pursuing him.

I know why you can’t let him go – because you believe he might come around some day. But it’s like looking for diamonds in a pile of garbage. What’s the probability you’ll find it there? Zero.

So you’d need to stop looking for your dream man in him, or men similar to him.

Is he really devasted so much by his divorce and can’t find a way to deal with that? How can I help him? Is it the right moment to try to be just a friend for him?

Perhaps he is devastated, but he isn’t looking for emotional consolation. What he is looking for is sex. He isn’t looking to talk to you either. He didn’t tell you how he feels, or what lead to his divorce. You don’t know anything about his supposed suffering, because he isn’t willing to share it with you. So how can you be friends with him?

You don’t need to help him because he doesn’t need your help. He only wants your help in relieving his sexual frustration.

I’ve heard so many stories, where women started friendships with recently divorced men (even after refusing sex) and after a while they ended up together happily. It took some time but it was worth it. Could this apply to my situation?

No, I am afraid it can’t. Because this guy doesn’t want friendship with you. He doesn’t want to confide in you, to share his feelings with you. When you asked him whether you are similar to his ex wife, he showed you some photos and videos of her. But it made him upset and he told you he doesn’t want to go to yoga or any activity with you, not even a walk with you. He only wants to meet you at his place:

His hands were shaking, started to smoke and said he doesn’t feel like going out, talking, doing things together, no yoga, no walks. He just wants to be there for his son but is open to meet me without going out.

Which means he doesn’t want to talk about his past, his emotions, his struggles…. If he doesn’t even want to have a walk with you, that shows how talk and emotional connection mean nothing to him. And if you expect to get it from him, it’s really like looking for diamonds in a pile of garbage (sorry for being blunt again).

My friend told me to tell him that I do not want to loose him completely or let him suffer in silence. She adviced to stay close but only as friend (no kiss, no touch etc.).

Dear Dafne, how do you stay close to this guy if he doesn’t want to talk to you about anything substantial? The only way to stay close to him is to agree to have sex with him. There are no other options, I am afraid.

I am sorry you’re suffering so much, Dafne, and that this longing for a man is ruining your health too. But being with this man and agreeing to his conditions would ruin you even more. It would break your heart.

So please don’t put yourself in a situation where there is a 100% chance of your heart being broken. Instead, try to focus on your healing, on filling the void in your heart that was created by your father’s coldness and absence. And then you’ll be able to attract the man who truly loves you and respects you.

Dear Dafne,

I am feeling a bit better, thank you <3

Thank you for taking time to reply to my message. I might be too emotional to see the things the way you do. It feels like something is pushing me towards him to help him in his struggle. I just can’t let him go…

I understand the strong longing, Dafne, I really do. I’ve experienced it myself in the past. It’s when we believe that without a particular man (or without a man in general) we will never be happy and fulfilled. It creates a strong longing and desire, which clouds our judgment. The desire is so strong that we cannot think straight. And so we might be craving for unavailable or unsuitable guys, who will never make us happy, who will only cause us trouble.

You said earlier:

I always longed for a loving father and a loving husband eventually. To be honest this feeling was so strong that I can’t live my life fully and it also affects my health badly.

This is the strong longing and desire that I am talking about. It is so strong that it’s ruining your health. And it is also causing you to pine for this guy, who is not really a good prospect. Who can’t give you what you’re looking for. But the loneliness and the unmet childhood needs make you feel strongly for this guy and get attached to him, against your better judgment. That’s why you can’t let him go.

I even spoke with one of our priests as he asked me again if I already found someone to spend my life with. I explained the situation and he adviced me to give it a last shot.

Did you explain that he so far has only expressed interested in sex? Honestly, I don’t think that a good priest would encourage chasing after such a guy. Maybe you only told him that he is suffering after his divorce, but haven’t explicitly mentioned his requirements on you?

He said that I can choose to never contact him again or I can give him a last chance and call him asking to meet just as friends. I should try to call him few times and if he doesn’t answer, to delete him from my life forever. No looking back…

Well, you could of course call and try to get him to meet in public. You have tried that already, and it didn’t work. But sure, you can try once again.

I took your advice about the healing to my heart, and I will do my best to try it and not give up on my life just yet. I do not have many reasons to stay on this Earth if not for the elderly I want to help.

I hear your pain, Dafne. I understand you feel you don’t have much to live for. However, that’s flawed thinking. It is caused by the same strong longing and desire that causes you to get sick without a man. It is when you are hung up on some guy to give you purpose and meaning in life. The purpose and meaning is within you, and you need to dig it out. That will be a part of your healing.

Once you “fill your own cup” and start loving yourself, you won’t be so desperate for a guy. And then, just like magic, you will be able to attract a good, decent man. But not from a place of desperation, but from a place of loving and appreciating yourself.

So yes, please start working on healing your heart. There are many free resources on the net. Anna Runkle is one such resource.

You are so precious and valuable, Dafne! There is so much goodness and talent in you. You haven’t been told that in the past, and that’s what made you wither a bit and start thinking less of yourself. But it’s time to heal that wound and return to your full, beautiful self!