Kellie,

I’m sorry for the fear that lingers, and know how difficult and paralyzing it can be. Its normal, usual and makes sense. The great news is there is always a path to joy, always an emotional and/or mental energy we can bring to bear upon our past wounds, and let them heal. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, be patient with yourself. Because of the history of abuses you’ve endured (and amazingly might I add!) there is a natural tendency to close down a little. Like we put on armor before battle, we close the doors of our heart in order to avoid the painfulness of being vulnerable in fiery situations. This is a natural defense, and is fine and usual.

But when we spend a lot of time in abusive situations, we confuse the armor for ourselves and forget what it feels like to take it off. We forget what it feels like to fly free and unencumbered, what it feels like to be safe. So even when we are safe, we project potential danger around us… jumping at shadows, interpreting loving words poorly, seeing danger where there is none.

Healing this requires patience and understanding. We know what the armor feels like (labelled here as “not trusting”) when we are wearing it, and what it feels like to take it off. Then, slowly, consciously and courageously we take it off when we’re ready. When we have loving partners it is even more simple. We can just submit to them where we really are. “My love, I am feeling jealous, will you help me let it go? Remind me of our song?” or “My love, I am feeling scared you don’t see the beauty in me, will you remind me what you see?” This surrender naturally opens us to let go of the armor, to step back into the heart and feel the warmth around us.

Then it is quite a simple thing to remain safe. If it feels painful and twisted, step away. If it doesn’t, don’t. The heart gains wisdom and skillfulness as we continue to connect to it and live from it. You know what being abused looks like, so of course you won’t stand that for long! Not if you’re looking and listening to the wisdom you’ve gained!

One of my teachers said that when the wind blows strong, it seems to bite into our skin. What we begin to see is that the wind is only wind, and it is the armor that bites our skin. As we shed it, slowly, patiently… we see how the wind on our bare skin is deeply nourishing, and the flower of our heart blooms. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt