Dear Sarah:

“I never get close or get into a relationship in real life (I had an online gf once and it lasted for five months and that was it)“- it is easy- by comparison- to interact with people online than it is to interact with people in real life. For example, as I am typing to you right now, I am not afraid that you will think poorly of me because I didn’t yet comb my hair. I don’t worry at all about how I look because you can’t SEE me. This by itself makes a lot of people feel comfortable online vs real life.

Even if you have a video chat with someone, you are prepared for the chat. You know that once you step away from the computer, you can no longer be seen. It is not like in real-life when you think you are alone but then there’s someone there who saw you or heard you, and you didn’t know.

“And I don’t understand why. Nobody ever said that I am ugly or have a bad attitude, many even said the opposite, that I’m pretty, that I’m kind… I’m not trying brag but that’s exactly what I’m confused about“- what if you think of yourself as pretty and kind and it is not bragging, or boasting. As in thinking: I really am pretty and kind, and there are other people out there who are also pretty/ handsome and kind, and I’d like to meet them.

A healthy self-esteem is not about behaving like you are MORE than others (bragging, boasting, expressing something like: I am so smart, and you are so stupid!), or LESS than others (belittling yourself, expressing something like: You are so smart, and I am so stupid!). A healthy self-esteem is about behaving like you are EQUAL to others (talking positively about yourself and about others, expressing something like: I am smart, and so are you!).

It doesn’t mean that people are all the same, all smart to the same extent. It means that when you have a healthy self-esteem, when you think well of yourself, you look for- and you focus on- the positives in yourself and in others.

“If I really am pretty and kind like they said, why does no one ever try to get to know me in real life?????“- let’s see… if you think that my reply so far has been a kind reply, a pretty and kind reply, let’s say, it would be pretty and kind on your part to reply back to me, wouldn’t it?

And if you didn’t reply, I wouldn’t have the opportunity to get to know you better (online). What I am saying is that maybe if you try to get to know another young person better, and you give another person the opportunity to get to know you better (online), maybe an interest will be born to get to know each other better in real life.

“Why don’t they want something with me?“- someone, more than one person,  will want something with you, but you will need to be not too eager when it happens.. and not too scared either.

“I wonder what is wrong with me“- I bet there is nothing wrong with you, except that you think/  suspect that there is something wrong with you. Sadly, there are millions of people in the world today who think that way- and because they think that way, they behave that way too. (I used to be sure that there was something wrong with me…)

“my heart is breaking… I’m scared“- it is very difficult to live in fear, to have one’s heart break. Imagine calm instead of fear, and a content heart instead of a breaking heart: this can be your experience. Only it doesn’t happen magically. You have to re-evaluate your thinking about yourself and about other people, and change some of it. It takes time and work, and when it happens, your feelings- and different life experiences- will follow.

“I don’t want to, but was I destined to be alone?????“- no human was born destined to be alone. Humans are social animals: for our mental health, we have to socialize- in real life- with other people.

“I’m really scared, I want to have my special someone too. Help me.. what do I do..“- I want to help you. I will try to the best of my (nonprofessional) ability, within the context of this forum. Will you let me?

anita