Dear Neha:

I think that you’ve been a very good girlfriend for a long time, but for at least a few months he hasn’t been a good boyfriend to you because either he doesn’t notice how much suffering you’ve been going through since he quit his job, or he knows.. and doesn’t take it seriously enough to do something about it.

I think that you should not loan/ give him any more money. Think about the possibility of asking him to take 6,000 out of his credit card account, or accounts, and give that money back to you.

So, there are two items I am pointing to: (1) his lack of awareness/ caring about your emotional suffering for so long (2) the money topic.

(I will be back to the computer in about 8- 18 hours from now)

anita

Forgot to add that I was also in debt at the start of my relationship due to health issues. I didn’t ask for money, my now husband just gave me some out of the goodness of his heart for groceries, so I could eat. I told him he was crazy and shouldn’t try to help strangers because you never know who is a scammer and who isn’t. I paid off my debts and paid him back.

Also recently, we’ve been going through financial difficulties because of various things happening. I supported us through that with my savings. These things have an ebb and flow in a relationship. People take turns looking after and supporting each other. But ideally, you hope that you don’t need it.

Hi Neha

I’m so sorry to hear that you grew up not just in poverty, but also in a violent home. That must make this a very intense trigger for you since it was such a traumatic experience growing up.

As an adult you know it’s not the same situation, but I can understand why it still makes you so uncomfortable.

It sounds like you and your partner have different styles with handling money and decision making. Did he discuss this important decision of quitting his job with you first?

It sounds like you’re very cautious with money being careful to save. Whereas your partner is less cautious as he is willing to leave a job without another one lined up.

I can understand him leaving a job because he was being overworked and feeling depressed. I personally wouldn’t because like you, I’m cautious. But some people definitely do that because they have different values. It sounds like he prioritises wellbeing over security.

Has quitting the job helped his depression? I’m curious because for some people being out of work can make depression worse.

I do think it’s important to discuss the situation with him because borrowing $6000 and being in additional credit card debt is definitely concerning. At this point you both need to figure out what to do next.

Everyone is different and has different preferences. Do you have any ideas for what you would like to happen?

Personally, I would consider his usual salary and figure out how much it takes him to repay things this can help you understand the implications of the situation he is in with repaying debt.

And you need to consider your finances too because you don’t want to put yourself in a difficult position either. Realistically, you’re fairly comfortable at the moment with the amount of savings you have, but you don’t want to keep burning through them like this. It’s important to set boundaries and expectations before things go too far. You’ve been really patient and supportive, but I think you recognise at this point it needs to be discussed.

You’re right, depending on his field it can take longer. IT for example is difficult at the moment to find a job in because there are massive layoffs in that sector. Competition is intense.

Lower skilled people can also have a lot of difficulty finding a new job, again because of all of the competition.

I can tell that you love your partner. I can understand why you don’t want to stress him. However, I think you can have an empathetic and calm discussion about finances. It’s ultimately what every couple has to face. It wouldn’t hurt at this point for him to kick his search up a notch because the financial situation is becoming challenging.

It’s okay to discuss being stressed about finances in a relationship. This is something that you both can empathise with because he is no doubt stressed about it too at this point.

I don’t know if you live together or what your situation is but he may want to consider scaling down his spending. He may actually need your help going over and planning all of this stuff because you are quite good at this stuff, whereas he might not be as good with it.

I had to help my now husband, at the time fiancé with reviewing his finances because he wasn’t really aware of some of the problems he was facing.

You mentioned that the relationship is too good to lose. Is part of you afraid that he would be upset to talk about this situation? Or afraid to lose him because of it? Do you think he would be receptive to it?

Have you had any experiences in the past where people have had difficulty with discussing things like this?

I think getting engaged is fine, I was quite happy to get engaged but it is a good idea for the situation to be resolved before marriage. You have to be careful for your own future. Someone who has financial issues now, can easily find these issues reoccurring throughout the relationship. How he manages this situation now reflects how he will manage it in the future. Different couples have different ways of navigating these issues. You both need to find a way that you’re both comfortable with.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

How are you, Neha, and how is applying empathy for yourself working out?

anita