Aiman,

I’m sorry for the struggles you’re going through, and hope you find some peace of mind. It is normal and usual to get our sense of identity to get wrapped up in helping others, as we become joyous as we reach out to hearts in need. The worry you’re experiencing usually arises when we feel pride in our gift giving, which arises when we have an underlying feeling of “less than”. Said differently, when we have a low self esteem, a general feeling of shame, we reach out and try to prove we are good people through generous giving. As the gift is well received, we think “yes, look at what I did.”. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

We are all born with a fundamental ignorance on how to find harmony and balance within ourselves and our environment. We get a few sparse instincts, and the rest we have to learn. This means that mistakes are necessary, inevitable, and are part of the process of development. We do our best to learn and to teach, and keep growing with each breath. When we encounter someone who is struggling, our gift to them doesn’t really have anything to do with us. We are only a prism of forces in that moment…. the lessons and memories from our teachers and experiences, meeting up with the tangle of circumstances in front of us.

One way of visualizing this is the truth, the dharma is like a river. We are not the source of the river, it is a function of nature. We are like a bucket, which breathes in the river and pours it out where we feel it is needed, how we feel it is needed. All of the joy is in the pouring, not in the result. When we try to harvest joy from the result (such as other people growing or validating the richness of the water) then we spin into the cycle of pride and shame. If they grow or praise the pouring, we slip into pride. “Look what I did.” If they do not grow or criticize the pouring, we slip into shame. “Look at what I did.”

What’s great is that there is another way, which bypasses the whole cycle. We develop an authentic humility, which trades fragile self-esteem for authentic confidence. When we accept that our continued practice and dedication to mindfulness and compassion turn us into an effective bucket, clarify the gift we pour, then we are not surprised or afraid of the growth that happens. We just watch it. This prevents the joy we gained from the pouring from leaking out of our own bucket. Said differently, when we give only for the sake of giving, we feel great happiness from giving, no matter how the gift is received.

Which is good because who knows what will happen as another’s spirit is nourished. Hopefully they do find a greater peace than we, a deeper wisdom… that is the way of nature. Each generation, ideally, moves the torch of knowledge and awareness forward further… as their lessons and experiences meets up with new questions.

Staying anchored in this understanding allows our fears to naturally erode. Our joy is not from accomplishments, it is from the giving. Therefore, no matter how potently or not our students become at sharing their creative heart, it has nothing to do with us. We did our best to give our all, and the harvest of joy from that is more than enough to keep us nourished.

Another thing, do you spend time self nurturing? Do you spend time doing nice things for yourself, such as a metta practice, sitting meditation, taking baths, listening to soft music, going on walks in nature, and so forth? If you are under nourished in spirit, then giving to others becomes a source of food, which only reinforces the cycle mentioned above. Namaste, friend.

With warmth,
Matt

Aiman,

Self nurturing is one of the main keys to effective helping and living. It means caring for ourselves, giving our loving attention and wisdom to our own needs. This is not selfish, its critical. One of my teachers described it in the following metaphor.

When we go onto an airplane, the stewardess tells us “in the case of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will come down. Make sure to put on your own mask first, before helping others.” They do this because they are wise. If we panic and try to help our children first, it is very possible that we will run out of air, then both we and our children will need help. If we secure our mask first, then we can help others from a stable place.

This is the root of authentic confidence and why we self nourish first. It allows us to be stable, so that helping others isn’t because we are in need. For instance, if we are feeling cruddy, we might try to live vicariously through other people’s growth. Said differently, if we give from a place of lack, then if the other does not give back, we can become angry, depressed, craving. Self nurturing solves this riddle.

Its like how a tree digging its roots deep into the soil allows it to remain stable in the wind. We get into the habit of comforting and filling our heart for ourselves, then we are much more resilient to outside pressures. If you feel self pity, it is perhaps an emotional hunger that you don’t know how to feed. Our body feels hunger and we give it food. Our heart feels hungry, and we self nurture. Does that make more sense?

In this context, the quote you gave ties in. As you become more confident that you can nurture yourself, your sense of value stops getting intertwined with the gifts you give.

With warmth,
Matt

I think you really need to go back and address who you are really doing this for. Yourself or the benefit of others. The feelings you say your experiencing suggest to me that there is something wrong at a fundamental level of this whole practice of helping others you have been engaged in. You need to look inside yourself and ask yourself those questions, regardless of how uncomfortable the truth maybe, only then can you start to learn to deal with the problem and work on a solution. That is one part of the psychological level of healing that must be understood and executed. Your negative thoughts about the future…you need to practice mindfulness and watch your self talk. How is it? How would you feel if a friend talked to you they way you do to yourself? Try work on removing fear and understanding what fear means to you. Do this by introspection. Look after your health, your body and mind you need to balance and care for these all the time. They are two of the most important things you own. Learn how they work and invest in yourself emotionally to utilize yourself as best you can.

Goodluck.