Dear Adam,

I read the first few pages of this thread, then skipped to the end because I wanted to know how you were without reading the whole book haha, I apologize if I say something that is redundant since I did not read it all. It is admirable how you express yourself and how much you were there for this girl (your ex who you spoke about from the beginning).

I just wanted to say something because I have a unique connection to this thread in that I relate to your ex, in more ways than one. However, I am still working through a relationship, my boyfriend is very understanding and kind, just like you. I am the one with trauma in the relationship, constantly having triggers pushed and I get very weak of exhaustion because of it. We are two years into the relationship, we moved in together a year ago and I actually just moved out. We are still together but I needed the space to heal, because living with him caused my triggers to be pushed at a faster rate than I could heal. I fear I will end the relationship for the same reason, but we love eachother truly, just like you both.

I have told him he is the one, but even as I say it to him, it is very true, but there is a voice in my head that tells me that I may not be good enough. I feel so bad about the affect my triggers have on him, he deserves better. I am tempted to break up with him because I love him so much and want the best for him and don’t feel like I am it, at least right now. Honestly reading how you describe her, I wonder if her decision to leave was more selfless than you think, you were too good and she feels she deserves to be with someone who is as messed up as her, leading to the dating site so quickly. I say this because I have the same impluse… but know I deserve better. I am really trying to work on my trauma, through this blog site and my own action, such as therapy and the hard decision to move out. But even as I am dedicated to self improvement I still doubt my ability to love him how he deserves.  I feel unloved, unseen and mistreated by him, but it is all my own triggers breaking my heart, not him. When I am grounded I apologize for accusing him of not caring for me how I want/need to be cared for, but it’s like I know it will happen again because that feeling of those triggers being pressed can feel so so real. I hate that I do this to him.

Anyways, if you would like to hear more about how I relate to her, let me know, I thought perhaps it could help you piece together what happened and get some more closure. Otherwise, I wish you the best of luck, you did your best and you deserve your efforts reciprocated.